Thanks
Just wanted to shout out a "thank you" to everyone.
Though things are far from perfect these days, I can say for the first time in many years (24) that this year is somehow feeling better than last year. Less hopeless. More open-ended.
If you're reading this, there's a good chance you are part of the reason I feel better.
For people only peripherally involved in my life, I leave this post unhidden from you as a courtesy, so that you can chose to "unfriend", hide, run away, etc., if you'd rather not be around someone going through such a profound life change. : )
Things like communication and truly relating to other living beings have finally eclipsed the abyss within my mind, that measureless weight of my own internal sense of solitary, unredeemable fatalism which had been my constant shadow since childhood, lightened only occassionally by the kind words of my wife, the antics of adorable animals, the beauty of the phenomenal world.
Whatever the reason, I feel the balance has finally tipped.
Maybe it has something to do with finally having an upswing in defeating years of deepening chronic debilitating health problems, physical and mental.
Maybe it's the unfamiliar sensation of sanity taking the place of despair, paranoia, and randomly occurring bouts of stark nameless terror.
The last time I felt an improvement this drastic was when I left for college and didn't have to live with my dad anymore (24 years before common era),
Whatever the reason, this is the first time I can honestly say that suicide is now receding as an option, rather than patiently beckoning an increasingly comforting invitation, as it had always done in the past, growing ever more solid, probable, likely, and inevitable.
I somehow feel like the future is going to be something better than I can presently imagine, rather than something even worse than I fear.
cheers! =^.^=
-GloomCat
Though things are far from perfect these days, I can say for the first time in many years (24) that this year is somehow feeling better than last year. Less hopeless. More open-ended.
If you're reading this, there's a good chance you are part of the reason I feel better.
For people only peripherally involved in my life, I leave this post unhidden from you as a courtesy, so that you can chose to "unfriend", hide, run away, etc., if you'd rather not be around someone going through such a profound life change. : )
Things like communication and truly relating to other living beings have finally eclipsed the abyss within my mind, that measureless weight of my own internal sense of solitary, unredeemable fatalism which had been my constant shadow since childhood, lightened only occassionally by the kind words of my wife, the antics of adorable animals, the beauty of the phenomenal world.
Whatever the reason, I feel the balance has finally tipped.
Maybe it has something to do with finally having an upswing in defeating years of deepening chronic debilitating health problems, physical and mental.
Maybe it's the unfamiliar sensation of sanity taking the place of despair, paranoia, and randomly occurring bouts of stark nameless terror.
The last time I felt an improvement this drastic was when I left for college and didn't have to live with my dad anymore (24 years before common era),
Whatever the reason, this is the first time I can honestly say that suicide is now receding as an option, rather than patiently beckoning an increasingly comforting invitation, as it had always done in the past, growing ever more solid, probable, likely, and inevitable.
I somehow feel like the future is going to be something better than I can presently imagine, rather than something even worse than I fear.
cheers! =^.^=
-GloomCat