(no subject)
I feel like I'm becoming unglued. I'm falling apart, my whole body constantly suffers from a deep but global ache. I thought it was sadness or loneliness but I don't know anymore. I think it's both and maybe a whole bunch more repressed emotions, or stress, or things that I just am incapable of dealing with. Either was it feels terrible....always...I always feel terrible. Just sensitive and tender and tired. Oh man tired, I'm always tired, and sleep doesn't help.
Every day is harder then the last when it comes to motivating my self to leave my bed.
I literally slid of the side of my bed to get up the other morning, but still laid there on the floor and felt like crying. I feel like crying an awful lot. I cry when I go to sleep, I cry when i wake up, I cry in the shower, sometimes at work I cry in the bathroom. I don't know why. It not like some specific incident makes me sad or a memory or feeling flashes into my consciousness. It's more like a swell of emotion just dominates my body. Sometimes I can fight it off, sometimes I can't. But it's not just sadness, its anger too. I get so mad sometimes, i just with throw something, or punch whatever is near me (couch, wall, if nothing else the air) The other day it was late at night and i was walking home from the train, and i got the sudden urge and broke off a tree branch and hit a cars' side view mirror with it (well, I was upset to begin with to be honest). Or ill just kick over garbage cans. These fits are almost always follow by a deep shame for getting so upset, and then I feel like crying. Its because of this, and the fact I'm always utterly and totally alone that I feel unglued and unstable. Last night I drank a 12 pack of beer alone, and cried myself to sleep. I don't think I should be in the company of other people. No one knows I'm like this. Not even alex or erin. I hide it, I'm so embarrassed. I wonder if I'm going crazy?
I wish I could fix it, but I have no idea where to start. Mainly because I have no idea whats wrong with me. Everything in my life is coming to fruition and i have ever reason to be optimistic. I have a job as a teacher, I'm almost done with school, Im supposed to teach in korea in the spring, i have a nice apartment, etc. But instead I'm wondering about my sanity, and if I should seek professional help. I'm so tired, and the soreness or aches arent like, oh i just worked out, they feel like im old, or Im dying. I feel small and brittle and sad, and lonely. So fucking lonely.
Every day is harder then the last when it comes to motivating my self to leave my bed.
I literally slid of the side of my bed to get up the other morning, but still laid there on the floor and felt like crying. I feel like crying an awful lot. I cry when I go to sleep, I cry when i wake up, I cry in the shower, sometimes at work I cry in the bathroom. I don't know why. It not like some specific incident makes me sad or a memory or feeling flashes into my consciousness. It's more like a swell of emotion just dominates my body. Sometimes I can fight it off, sometimes I can't. But it's not just sadness, its anger too. I get so mad sometimes, i just with throw something, or punch whatever is near me (couch, wall, if nothing else the air) The other day it was late at night and i was walking home from the train, and i got the sudden urge and broke off a tree branch and hit a cars' side view mirror with it (well, I was upset to begin with to be honest). Or ill just kick over garbage cans. These fits are almost always follow by a deep shame for getting so upset, and then I feel like crying. Its because of this, and the fact I'm always utterly and totally alone that I feel unglued and unstable. Last night I drank a 12 pack of beer alone, and cried myself to sleep. I don't think I should be in the company of other people. No one knows I'm like this. Not even alex or erin. I hide it, I'm so embarrassed. I wonder if I'm going crazy?
I wish I could fix it, but I have no idea where to start. Mainly because I have no idea whats wrong with me. Everything in my life is coming to fruition and i have ever reason to be optimistic. I have a job as a teacher, I'm almost done with school, Im supposed to teach in korea in the spring, i have a nice apartment, etc. But instead I'm wondering about my sanity, and if I should seek professional help. I'm so tired, and the soreness or aches arent like, oh i just worked out, they feel like im old, or Im dying. I feel small and brittle and sad, and lonely. So fucking lonely.