(no subject)
i cant be sure, but i swear i saw you today. elston and kimball. its 1/2 a block from work, you probably didnt know that thought because you never visited me like you promised.
I was stunned shocked awed. I was turning left and as soon as my brain processed you I tried to turn my car around. I couldn't traffic was too bad. I parked in the first spot availible on elston and got out and ran. I ran, I ran soooo fast I chased you all down kimball. I almost caught your car at the addison light but it turned green before i got there. I knew you were headed to the express way, i swear to god i ran as fast as tired legs could carry me. I don't know what would've happened if i caught you but i ran ran ran ran ran. It was so pathetic, it was so desperate. You never turned back around, i thought maybe you would. Maybe you didnt look, or maybe you did look and saw me chasing you. I stopped right after that home depot right by the expressway ramp. I realized i couldn't and wouldn't catch up to you. Maybe its a metaphor, maybe im dumb. But i sat there hands on my knees bent over. Felt like shit after running so far, so fast. I was dry heaving and wondering what the fuck was i doing. Then it hit me, then it happened. I chased you i ran after your car for blocks and blocks. Then i puked. I vomited all over the sidewalk. The whole pulled pork sandwhich i just ate from smoque. I started shaking I felt terrible. Maybe because I just chased you for blocks, maybe because i saw you, maybe because i threw up an entire pulled pork sandwich on my feet. I wanted to cry i was tearing up really bad. I walked, or staggered to this alley thing behine the home dept and cried a bit. Why didnt you stop i wodnered. Maybe you didnt see me. maybe you did. You probably did and drove away as fast as you could. The taste of vomit was all in my mouth. I felt disgusting, and was disgusted with myself for chasing you. But I did. I did chase you for blocks. I just wanted to look at you.
I had a staff meeting i had to go back to work, i assume you were coming from night class? I couldn't listen the whole meetnig, i was just thinking about you and what did i do? and why i did what i did? and what did it mean? and i have so many unanswered questions. I couldn't handle it, i've been going through a rraelly raelly really rough time these last two weeks. I stopped at a liquor store on my way home. I spent only $6 and didn't have to think about anything for the rest of the night. Now its 1am and ihave to get up in 5 hours, and its all i can think about.
I wasn't thinking i guess when i ripped myself away from my best friend, from so many people i cared so deeply about. I don;t think you understand what i went and am still going through. I;m sure you had a rough spatch, but i have to imagine you're doing better with out me. You looked so beautiful, if that was you i wish i could've seen you better. Or seen you clearly, instead of a glance while i was turning. Fuck maybe it wasn't you and i chased a stranger for 6 blocks. well, if it was or wasn't you. congratulations to your sister, congratulations to your fertile friend. I hope you did well on your test. I need to take those still. you car looked like it has a few new dings on it. Im sorry. Im sorry about everything. Im a sorry fucking excuse for a person. Thats what i kept thinking, as i sat there drying heaving under the expressway on kimball with the taste of vomit in my mouth. I'm a sorry excuse for a person.
I was stunned shocked awed. I was turning left and as soon as my brain processed you I tried to turn my car around. I couldn't traffic was too bad. I parked in the first spot availible on elston and got out and ran. I ran, I ran soooo fast I chased you all down kimball. I almost caught your car at the addison light but it turned green before i got there. I knew you were headed to the express way, i swear to god i ran as fast as tired legs could carry me. I don't know what would've happened if i caught you but i ran ran ran ran ran. It was so pathetic, it was so desperate. You never turned back around, i thought maybe you would. Maybe you didnt look, or maybe you did look and saw me chasing you. I stopped right after that home depot right by the expressway ramp. I realized i couldn't and wouldn't catch up to you. Maybe its a metaphor, maybe im dumb. But i sat there hands on my knees bent over. Felt like shit after running so far, so fast. I was dry heaving and wondering what the fuck was i doing. Then it hit me, then it happened. I chased you i ran after your car for blocks and blocks. Then i puked. I vomited all over the sidewalk. The whole pulled pork sandwhich i just ate from smoque. I started shaking I felt terrible. Maybe because I just chased you for blocks, maybe because i saw you, maybe because i threw up an entire pulled pork sandwich on my feet. I wanted to cry i was tearing up really bad. I walked, or staggered to this alley thing behine the home dept and cried a bit. Why didnt you stop i wodnered. Maybe you didnt see me. maybe you did. You probably did and drove away as fast as you could. The taste of vomit was all in my mouth. I felt disgusting, and was disgusted with myself for chasing you. But I did. I did chase you for blocks. I just wanted to look at you.
I had a staff meeting i had to go back to work, i assume you were coming from night class? I couldn't listen the whole meetnig, i was just thinking about you and what did i do? and why i did what i did? and what did it mean? and i have so many unanswered questions. I couldn't handle it, i've been going through a rraelly raelly really rough time these last two weeks. I stopped at a liquor store on my way home. I spent only $6 and didn't have to think about anything for the rest of the night. Now its 1am and ihave to get up in 5 hours, and its all i can think about.
I wasn't thinking i guess when i ripped myself away from my best friend, from so many people i cared so deeply about. I don;t think you understand what i went and am still going through. I;m sure you had a rough spatch, but i have to imagine you're doing better with out me. You looked so beautiful, if that was you i wish i could've seen you better. Or seen you clearly, instead of a glance while i was turning. Fuck maybe it wasn't you and i chased a stranger for 6 blocks. well, if it was or wasn't you. congratulations to your sister, congratulations to your fertile friend. I hope you did well on your test. I need to take those still. you car looked like it has a few new dings on it. Im sorry. Im sorry about everything. Im a sorry fucking excuse for a person. Thats what i kept thinking, as i sat there drying heaving under the expressway on kimball with the taste of vomit in my mouth. I'm a sorry excuse for a person.