(no subject)
I think we (when I say we, It probably only applies to dick-over-romantics like myself -.-) spend most of our conscious lives as humans looking for the love we think we deserve.
Actually, even when we're unconscious we mold some idea from the day to fit our desire for it.
I had a dream that fit that concept. Not perfectly, but meh.
I was talking to Kirsten(Holt) the other night and how i'm having such a god damn hard time "detoxing" from her.
It's been 11 months -.- I've been told that the fact that I still count is a sign, but regardless of my minds attention to
minute details as such. She sent me these messages from a couple weeks before our break-up between Calder and herself;
how perfect they were. How much of a burden I was. How long they've known and loved each other on some level for so long.
How if he had remained that close to her face for another few seconds, she would've kissed him regardless of me. Coffee and late night at playgrounds. FUCK. fuck.
"Why are you making me hate you?"
'So you'll "detox" faster.'
When you really love someone, the feelings aren't ever supposed to go away. That's what I was told, and that remains true to me thus far.
So I had a dream that night. Kirsten and I were in some... weird made-up dream place lol and Calder was.... randomly showing up throughout this weird place which we were walking = ) yay ..... -.- They would simply do their couple-y type things, whilst I turned.... a..... blind.... shoulder.
Which probably symbolizes my ignorance to her feelings, and shows that I cared enough to keep her, that I would've let it pass.....
So what's next? I am bored. I love my job. but nothing else has changed, besides the people I spend time with, and the frequency such things happen. Wake. School. Work. Home. Fight with Mom. Sleep.
I went back because I hoped that things would've changed. I'm so tired of being optimistic if it's just going to let me down every fucking time.
no more voices on the radio.
no more waiting by the telephone.
decay. decay. decay.
she said 'the only things holy, are the walls around me.'
I might as well be on my own the way my family treats me in Athens. I have to do everything on my own, minus the fact that I get checked like a kid. Why the hell would you throw me to the wolves with adult responsibilities, and not let me act like an adult?
"You're not seeing the whole picture here. You're not thinking about the repercussion and the people these things could effect, all the money that would have to be paid."
"the grass always seems greener on the other side until you get there."--
YEAH I FUCKING SEE THE DAMN PICTURE. the whole thing. all of it. in totality. thanks. I'm just not scared of every little thing that could go wrong. How does life work like that? If it happens it happens. But just because it can happen, doesn't mean it will.
and go ahead, counter that with "well. just because it might not happen, doesn't mean it won't." it doesn't make me reckless. it's just the other side of field.
I lost my train of thought.
I guess you could say this has been a good rant? considering the frequency in which they appear.
Actually, even when we're unconscious we mold some idea from the day to fit our desire for it.
I had a dream that fit that concept. Not perfectly, but meh.
I was talking to Kirsten(Holt) the other night and how i'm having such a god damn hard time "detoxing" from her.
It's been 11 months -.- I've been told that the fact that I still count is a sign, but regardless of my minds attention to
minute details as such. She sent me these messages from a couple weeks before our break-up between Calder and herself;
how perfect they were. How much of a burden I was. How long they've known and loved each other on some level for so long.
How if he had remained that close to her face for another few seconds, she would've kissed him regardless of me. Coffee and late night at playgrounds. FUCK. fuck.
"Why are you making me hate you?"
'So you'll "detox" faster.'
When you really love someone, the feelings aren't ever supposed to go away. That's what I was told, and that remains true to me thus far.
So I had a dream that night. Kirsten and I were in some... weird made-up dream place lol and Calder was.... randomly showing up throughout this weird place which we were walking = ) yay ..... -.- They would simply do their couple-y type things, whilst I turned.... a..... blind.... shoulder.
Which probably symbolizes my ignorance to her feelings, and shows that I cared enough to keep her, that I would've let it pass.....
So what's next? I am bored. I love my job. but nothing else has changed, besides the people I spend time with, and the frequency such things happen. Wake. School. Work. Home. Fight with Mom. Sleep.
I went back because I hoped that things would've changed. I'm so tired of being optimistic if it's just going to let me down every fucking time.
no more voices on the radio.
no more waiting by the telephone.
decay. decay. decay.
she said 'the only things holy, are the walls around me.'
I might as well be on my own the way my family treats me in Athens. I have to do everything on my own, minus the fact that I get checked like a kid. Why the hell would you throw me to the wolves with adult responsibilities, and not let me act like an adult?
"You're not seeing the whole picture here. You're not thinking about the repercussion and the people these things could effect, all the money that would have to be paid."
"the grass always seems greener on the other side until you get there."--
YEAH I FUCKING SEE THE DAMN PICTURE. the whole thing. all of it. in totality. thanks. I'm just not scared of every little thing that could go wrong. How does life work like that? If it happens it happens. But just because it can happen, doesn't mean it will.
and go ahead, counter that with "well. just because it might not happen, doesn't mean it won't." it doesn't make me reckless. it's just the other side of field.
I lost my train of thought.
I guess you could say this has been a good rant? considering the frequency in which they appear.