i demand that you read this in it's entirety
I bet you won't make it to the end.
An amalgamation of absurd thoughts & tangents
It's got interactive bits for all you chumps without attention spans. Let me know how far you managed to get.
You know, my first two words were "NO" and "gimme". It seems not much has changed since then, though my vocabulary has grown somewhat bigger. When reduced to the basics, all I really communicate 60% of the time are rejections of things and desires for things I want. 60% is of course a purely random figure, speculated by me, but I will record a day's worth of conversation and try and see if it's true. Or maybe I'll just hit my head against a wall until I think that's what happened. The remaining 40% is comprised of
- Pleasantries 5% (though the figure is probably higher for you - I am severely impolite. It's a medical condition. This category includes day to day stuff like "hey, how was your day", "good morning", "nice to meet you", "wow you look great" - things that you are obliged to utter because it's the norm. You may not think that's why you do these things, but imagine meeting a friend without a greeting. They'd think you were quite rude. Now imagine doing the same to parents, policemen, God, teachers - whoever the authority figures in your life are. You'd get quite the talking to. That's why we use pleasantries, not because it's necessary, but because we're so used to them that without them there would be awkwardness, punishment, misunderstandings and general chaos.)
- Gossip & news 10% (information about people's lives that is in some way relevant to yours. Again, generally a higher percentage for you cretins, typically with a diminished relevance. This includes information about your own life that you wish to share with others. Their reply will come from either the "pleasantries" section or this section. )
- Ridiculousness 15% (this is talk that doesn't follow, irrelevant talk, non sequiturs, bizarre thought sequences with ridiculous endings, arrogant blabber with no basis, gibberish & random words that form in your mouth (this includes "speaking in tongues" for all you dim-witted Pentecostals).
If you think I’ve missed any, let me know.
Why do I think that so much of our conversation revolves around "no" and "gimme"? Observe.
Bob: Hey dude, do you wanna come over tonight, I really miss your sweet lovin’.
Fred: No Bob; I'm with Jimmy now. He loves me for my intellect and not just my freakishly large trouser snake.
What just happened? Bob expressed want (GIMME), whilst Fred rejected his offer (NO). Though it is worded in a more sophisticated way to allow for understanding, it remains the same.
When I was little, gimme and no sufficed, because whatever I was rejecting or wanting was always in my view. Now that I'm in grown up land, not only are things I desire sometimes not in my immediate field of view, but they may not exist as objects at all, and can be concepts, services, emotions or invisible gasses. So I need more words to explain my desires, and justify them (because in grown up world "gimme" doesn’t always get the response you had hoped for). No, too, requires explanation and justification, for blatant rejection of objects and services can eventuate in fewer future offers if not properly justified. “No, I’m not hungry” will leave open the possibility of future food offers, whilst a simple “No” may be perceived as blunt. To avoid blatant rejection, those around you may never offer you food again. Not good. So we need our extensive vocabularies to explain our extensive desires and motivations. Communication has another useful function - the sharing of knowledge and ideas amongst people. There is no point curing cancer if you don’t communicate your results to the rest of the world. Other minds can be taught, they can teach, and eventually Mutual Mind Development (MMD) can occur. (When this occurs, you will get 1 eternal life, and some fries. You’ll totally know when you’ve reached this higher plane of being - perhaps the greatest advantage of which is being able to spit on those located on lower planes of being.) This process facilitates the accumulation of knowledge and ideas amongst people, and though you may not directly obtain anything from such an encounter, you gain (hopefully) useful information about the world, life, human behaviour, history, etc. MMD is the pinnacle of worthwhile communication toward which we all should strive. “No”, “gimme”, “hello, thank you, goodbye”, “he said she said” all serve a purpose, but the most meaningful form of human interaction is the exchange of knowledge & ideas. We did not develop 600,000 words so that we could better explain what is up to, nor did we construct a sophisticated mechanism like language for the purpose of regurgitating “Hello”s and “Thank you”s at each other in a drone like manner.
I believe we could really cut down on some of the time we waste pointlessly conversing with each other by ruling out certain things as acceptable conversation. If the mundane pleasantries were forbidden, more time could be spent learning and developing instead of forcing smiles and repeating pre-established phrases that were hammered into our heads as children, disguised as manners. Changes must be made to ensure productivity, for our lives are finite, and the pointless crap we can discuss infinite. Captain Pinhead appoints himself to the task of laying down the laws under which society shall operate henceforth.
unpredictable
The following phrases are now deemed illegal. A fine of $500 applies when they are uttered, a smaller fine of $200 applies if you are guilty of possessing the phrases in your mind. The proceeds of all fines are to be distributed evenly amongst myself and my volatile, currently-demanding sidekick - Bitchslap Chicken. (Despite contributing nothing to this ingenious money machine of a manifesto, he gets half the swag because the ‘Bitchslap’ isn’t just for show. FEAR THE CHICKEN!) Fines are payable directly into our respective bank accounts. Though we do take cheques, unfortunately at this time we cannot cater for offenders who wish to pay credit. In fact, all offenders’ credit cards must be confiscated directly after an offence - they are evidence of the offender’s stupidity and their ownership is thus transferred to me and me alone. You wish you had come up with a way to profit off of the stupidity of others. Stupidity is possibly the only never-ending resource in our world. If only we could run cars on stupidity, the war could have been avoided. (Instead we channelled our stupidity into one concentrated bout of senseless dementia: The Coalition’s invasion of Iraq.)
Fine of a maximum of 500 applies to the following:
• "Ohmygod"
• Like, and then" or “Like, totally”
• “That’s so ”
• "and he said, and she said"
• “Philosophy is a stupid practice with no application in real life.”
• “You couldn’t possibly understand because you haven’t accepted Jesus into your heart.”
• “God is beyond our understanding and thus your logic won’t work.”
• “Suicide Girls is a lifestyle. It’s not porn - it’s empowering.”
• “I am your parent and therefore I know better””
• “Drug use is necessarily bad.”
• The addition of “-age” to the end of words: eg. “That was mad drinkage.” In civilized terms, this translates into “You drank that beer so quickly.” Such pointless subject matter should be avoided altogether when possible. If forced to engage in small talk it is imperative that, though lacking in meaning, the words remain intact.
• Any other “bogan slang”, including the butchering of nouns by substituting “ezza” or “azza” for the normal ending, excessive use of “fucking” (usually pronounced “fucken” due to laziness), use of the ‘word’ “usend’t” (a hideous conglomerate of abbreviations which denotes that something was different in the past, or “didn’t used to be” - though even the rephrased version seems to reek of bogan origin), the pronunciation of “th” as “f” (eg. Brofer), “youse” as a plural of “you”, and any other words or phrases which so much as hint at bogan culture are to be fined on a PER WORD basis. These disgraceful behaviours are what the rest of the world perceives as the Australian Stereotype, let us do what we can to shatter their conceptions of us as unintelligible simpletons by avoiding the systematic desecration of the English language. If you won’t do it to save Australians from being the subject of mockery, do it because the next “Shazza! Fucken youse guys missed some fucken rad gigage last night at the Emu Pub - there usen’t be nearly as many fucken awesome shows on, and dollar stubbies!” could cost you $4,000. On the other hand, I would profit by that amount; so go ahead, embarrass yourself, you inarticulate turd.
• “The law is always correct in dictating the rules we should blindly obey, and anything that is illegal is bad simply because it is illegal”
• “Aesthetic qualities are a measure of the worth of a person and must be given high regard”
• “Eating meat is acceptable simply because it’s natural/it’s yummy/I’m selfish/animals are stupider/I can’t make a real difference”
• “Believing in God without doubt simply because it was pummelled into you from birth and is comforting, is acceptable”
Obviously, changing the sentence structure or altering a word in one of the longer offensive statements will not alleviate the fine. If two offences occur in one sentence (as “like” + “ohmygod” often tend to do) a double fine is owed. All of the forbidden abominations of culture and intellect cannot be documented physically - variations on the forbidden topics are common and diverse (a consequence of that endless resource mentioned previously) and recording every separate offence would take centuries. Consequently, the following general topics should be prohibited by legislation. Alterations and additions to this document are welcome if a particular statement deserves special attention, due to a high density of dim-witted ignorance contained within it. (This is where you comment your suggestions).
I will now venture beyond even my already overstated, self-appointed, questionable authority and enter the realm of “God” - since he hasn’t come up with anything for 2000 years, Captain Pinhead will step up to the task. TV wasn’t even around when the Bible was written, so how are people to know not to worship it? Well, it’s C. Pinhead to the rescue, modernising the delusions to fit your modern lifestyles.
And then captain pinhead did say:
• Thou shall not make any statements with an underlying assumption that any gender is superior.
• Thou shall not judge on the basis of a person’s race or heritage.
• Thou shall not talk about the weather for longer than is absolutely necessary to ensure adequate attire and accessories are prepared/worn for the current conditions.
• Thou shall not assume you know everything because you have been taught it and it’s in the Bible. Thou shall not try to frighten people into conforming to your beliefs with threats (You’ll burn in hell!), blackmail, deception or bribery (Eternal happiness awaits you, for the low low price of your ability to reason! Forfeit one simple capacity and you will probably live eternally with God in heaven, though we have no proof… oh look, here comes the collection plate.)
• Last night’s episode of “The OC” is never an acceptable topic of conversation. Nor is it healthy to speculate on the lives of any fictional television characters whilst not watching the show. Though it is not forbidden, it is highly discouraged.
• If thou dost travel to a third world country where people are starving, thou must feed the people before brainwashing them. Food cannot be used as a rewards system to force any religion upon anyone, lest your “bullshit spreader” licence be revoked. Also, if you have built a church and handed out bibles, please do not brag about your great achievement for the Lord. You have probably given a lot of people false hope, disappointment (because they thought they were getting food) and useless, inedible bibles. These are your achievements, and God would not be proud that you are spreading his word instead of saving lives. For he would not create life, only to choose for his creatures to be born into circumstances where hepatitis is not a possible consequence of overfucking, but is probably actively present in their water supply; where starvation isn’t what you do to drop a dress size, but is what’s forced upon everyone, unless they go mad with hunger and absent-mindedly nibble off their child’s limbs; where others come to help, yet bring neither medicines nor foods, but funny symbols about a God who apparently cares about them and considers all equal. Edible bibles are clearly the solution to all this madness... If you can’t deliver, just stop missionary work altogether. This isn’t strictly my field of authority, but I’ll blur the line a little to forbid the spreading of propaganda that feeds on minds. Much like a zombie would, religions don’t discriminate between victims; they just aim for the brain and devour until the destroyed networks are rendered incapable of processing thoughts.
• Television shall not be quoted as a source of unfaltering knowledge, nor should it be treated as such. Television stations are businesses, and this must be acknowledged - the programs on TV are there to maximise profits, and not develop you as a human being in any way. Thou shall not mimic the behaviours witnessed on TV, rely on TV to objectively present news events, nor become entirely dependent on your television. Although it is a source of entertainment, news and pesky advertisements, the TV does not have to be the centre of your universe; your family, friends and life shall not revolve around the TV. Knowledge of the world outside your lounge room and your enjoyment of life must not be limited to living vicariously through characters in television broadcasts. You must also watch DVDs.
You may think I have exceeded my authority by providing strict guidelines to life instead of just identifying forbidden phrases. You’re wrong; I never had any authority to begin with. I’m just painfully intelligent and supercilious, for I am Captain Pinhead, and I know the many struggles of humanity and just how to overcome them - with blind obedience of my every word.
Back to the specific search for a new and more productive code to replace “manners”, “pleasantries”, “etiquette” and “empty chit chat”. With these four obstructions destroyed and no longer hindering the progress of useful conversation, it has been declared (by me, earlier, and yes, without basis) that a new level of consciousness will become possible. We will no longer have to drop our important thoughts to greet people, make small talk, compliment others - the list of our current duties is huge. Freeing ourselves of such a plethora of responsibility will open opportunities for enlightening interaction and other various activities you’re not partaking in today because entire hours of your life are slowly, bit by bit, being consumed by pointless interaction and pleasantry. Here are some more rules on what to avoid if being consumed by concepts I’ve defined isn’t something you think you’d enjoy.
Anything falling under the aforementioned category of gossip/news, which isn’t directly relevant to the lives of the conversers - ie. gossip for the sake of conversation, or referring to news reports to create the illusion of intelligence (people do this, you know - they bring up news items that are only vaguely relevant, or entirely irrelevant, just so that we can all admire them for their worldly and cultured watching of the television. Pfft) - must be eradicated from conversation worldwide. There will be a period of silence while we ponder any interactions we can engage in that hasn’t yet been forbidden. Eventually, having followed all my rules (due to bowel-churning fear of my idle threats) mankind will learn to communicate meaningfully, and this newfound form of conversation will usher in a new age of MMD-powered productivity and unspeakable joy. Just refer to how heaven is described in the Bible - it will be much like that, but better. The only difference will be the absence of God, which will be more than compensated for by the permission of spitting. There are still important changes to be made before this loogie-filled land of indescribable wonder can be reached. Do remember the various threats and promises Captain Pinhead has made thus far; they will make abiding by my will easier to achieve.
Yelling random stereotype titles at people on the street who you don’t know or intend to speak to will be reprimanded by castration of the genitalia (males only) and an oestrogen hormone program. We have reason to believe (Not we, I. And the reason is just that I think that’s the way it is. So there you go, I’m not as important as I’d like you to believe. The cold bosom of truth has arrived.) that such behaviour is caused by an excess of testosterone and incredible stupidity. We figure that the stupidity problem is unstoppable and will envelop us all, but at least we can deal with the testosterone surplus directly - by shutting down the factory, forever. The oestrogen pills may have some positive effect, but for the most part it will merely make the offenders grow bosoms, lose their manly hair and start talking in a high-pitched voice. Then the guilty idiots will be easy to identify and mock, though we must be careful not to classify them and yell the stereotype at them, lest our testosterone factories get shut down. Examples of this behaviour -
“Stupid Emo!” “Freak!” “You’re Gothic”, etc. Notice that there is no punishment for females exhibiting this particularly nasty method of “communicating”. It’s because they don’t. Females don’t do this; even lone males don’t tend to do this. It is the pack of males, all reaching for the alpha male title, who will try to loudly classify all within his surroundings that he is afraid of. We could try to explain that their behaviour is ridiculous, that just because someone dresses differently doesn’t make them a threat. That just because something is unknown doesn’t mean it must be explicitly classified (especially not to the threat itself, where is the point in that?) and the threat thus effectively degraded. Placing someone in a category in your own mind and then expressing that foolish system of categories you have created and their place within it, why? So the pack can see that you’ve triumphed over the threat, because the threat chose to walk away when confronted with your stupidity? It’s obvious to us that this behaviour should not be tolerated, however reasoning with these packs of testosterone factories is pointless. The most reasonable solution is to remove their genitals and feed them hormones until they themselves become the unknown and scary, the feared and ridiculed. An eye for an eye, it’s in the Bible, read it. Perfectly justified solution.
Pleasantries must be reduced to a series of grunts, if absolutely necessary, though the aim is to do away with them altogether. The grunt system is simply a transitionary measure, while you are weaned off of your former habits. Those around you will no doubt prefer silence to the grunts you exhibit during this phase. Though you may be temporarily avoided and considered somewhat of a Neanderthal, you can rest assured that when the rest of mankind follows suit you will be hailed as one of the pioneers of the change and given various handmade crafts and medals as a reward for your leadership. This is the most difficult habit to rid yourself of, for it is deeply ingrained in all of our interactions. It is, however, the most unnecessary. Consequently, drastic measures must be taken to discourage pleasantry-perpetuating babble. (Yes, pleasantries feed off of pleasantries. The ultimate evil of your conversations, uttering one of these dangerous nothings, will set off others to do the same, backfire onto you, and so on.) Without further adieu, I decree that death shall result for anyone who utters anything resembling the following tangle of pleasantry diarrhoea:
"It was really nice meeting you, and I had a lovely time, and thank you so much for inviting me, the snacks were tremendous, and your floor boards look terrific, and I love what you've done to the house. It was lovely meeting your new baby too, though he is currently a hideously deformed shadow of what a normal human being looks like, I'm sure those wrinkles will iron right out, the redness will fade, and the head to body size ratio will improve with time. Thanks again, hope to do this again sometime! Oh wow, I forgot that