Idle thoughts from an emo morning
I seem curiously durable at the moment. Things are sitting ok, even though at times it feels like they shouldn't be. The second half of last year felt like a drawn out collapse, a personal implosion that i wasn't prepared for and didn't know how to deal with. Difference and suprise. and disappointment. and loneliness. a constant strive for bandaid solutions in a swirl of contrary emotion. and noone to say it to. that was the hardest. and it fed itself really. an unspoken loneliness based in the inability to speak. We're good at fucking ourselves like that, aren't we? But now things that threw me into fits of introspection seem to be drifting across my field of vision. I've been told some mildly brutal things, but I've brushed them off. I'm realising that it's not all beer and skittles, but there's no reason for panic. Edifices of my imaginations have fallen but it just feels like resolution. Everything idle. But I'm not dead. It's just not my problem. Or something. Don't know how long I can sustain it. i mean sooner or later I have to take stock of my surroundings. Don't I? For a guy with moderate exclusion issues, I seem unconcerned about my status amongst people. I'm waking up with more energy, even while tired. More and more I love bouncing about. Sometimes I suprise myself by how easy it is. The novelty of boring myself seems to be wearing off. Funny that. Nothing's precipitated it as far as I can tell. Maybe being away; a little perspective falls upon it all. I'm wandering. Sometimes I'm still outside, but I'm kinda ok with it. It doesn't make me empty anymore, and at the root of it all I still matter. Maybe that makes me self-righteous. But I'm not entirely convinced. And I like having something to look forward to, even if it's found a different shape to that I once dreamed. This feels increasingly like me, or a me that I've told myself to look for (hard to distinguish sometimes). Something good to inflict upon the world. could be a dangerous attitude in the wrong hands. I guess we just buckle up and hope for the best, don't we? or at least thats what i tell myself.
I say it again. This song is amazing. I must have listened to it at least 50 times in the past week. And every time it comes to the end I'm still desperate for it to start again. I never feel as safe as when i'm lying in its wash. one of the best things I have ever heard.
I say it again. This song is amazing. I must have listened to it at least 50 times in the past week. And every time it comes to the end I'm still desperate for it to start again. I never feel as safe as when i'm lying in its wash. one of the best things I have ever heard.