like a cauterising truth, or a sigh
Alright. Now I'll admit that some of the following spiel will have been precipitated by day after effects... but at the same time this really does plague me. I may just be a little more emotionally lubricated...
As i was leaving Robert's I made a joke to Milos about the fact that he's kissed more girls than I have. And then I realised it was probably true. He palmed it off as the gay factor, but I'm not sure if that really explains it. Not even the attractive, strapping, funny Slavic male factor cuts it. At a certain point its that I'm a 19 year old, heterosexual male and the number of girls I've kissed remains in the single digits. The number of girls I've kissed with any meaning remains about 2. the number of girls I've gone out with is half that again. the number of guys I've kissed is only a couple shy of the total amount. Not that absolute numbers mean everything. But still. And I don't know why its there really. Well maybe I do and I just don't like to face up to it. But the problem is I like myself... and somewhere along the line, its just not there. Its not enough, or its too much. Or. Fuck, I don't know.
What am I missing that makes this so difficult? As far as I can tell I lack any major physical disfigurements, I'm reasonably funny, generally confident, decently intelligent and nice. Maybe thats the issue. I'm just a nice guy. And sometimes when i think about, it doesn't seem too far fetched. What is there that draws people close to me? Friends are fine; from about year 12 onwards I've never really had any trouble making friends and I love them all dearly. But I seem to have severe issues making an intimate connection. I've had one and it was beautiful and wonderful and probably the most important thing thats ever happened to me. It did amazing things for my confidence in general, but outside it's bounds there's still a seed of doubt lingering underneath. And either side of it... I'm not sure what to do. Even half the time there has been some form of mutual attraction going, its failed. And as much as those are all attributable to other factors, after a while it dents you a bit. I missed learning all this somewhere. And I never thought it was that difficult.
Increasingly I'm feeling stranded; unsure where to look and feeling lonely. My brother's first long-term relationship sprang from a casual kiss one night. But i can't even muster that much fortuity. I've only had one random snog with a girl (that is, one with no overt romantic overtures, just something that happened) in about two years. And you know what? I really do feel like I'm missing something. As much as i despise the way most of the whole teen/general sexual economy works (the delights of a steves, red rock, clubber trifecta - hey that's residual school bitterness for you) there's still some space in there where I crave a feeling of normalcy. Not to delve into shit meat market snogathons. But its one of those things where most people seem to do it. And I just feel like I'm on the outer. I've spent most of my life being different or special. I've skipped a year (spending primary school as the designated nerd), and I've had cancer (missing out on making new friends in high school and spending my first few years as a socially ostracised cripple). Not that I'm particularly bitter about any of it, it just gets a little tiring after a while. I've started to come into myself so much over the past few years. And I really am finally getting to a spot where I like who I am and I like the perople I'm with and what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. And I've fought so fucking much for it. And my friends love me. But by and large thats as far as it goes. Its still not enough. And I don't know how I need to change again to find my way out of here.
I don't want to be normal necessarily. But sometimes I'm tired of being outside.
Yeah, i know. This sounds like an angsty teenager mega rant. I guess in many ways it is and I hate it that this gets to me. But it does. and somewhere along the line it just leaves me feeling a bit inferior. A bit. detached. I guess I just wish it was easier. Or maybe that i could pretend not to feel it.
As i was leaving Robert's I made a joke to Milos about the fact that he's kissed more girls than I have. And then I realised it was probably true. He palmed it off as the gay factor, but I'm not sure if that really explains it. Not even the attractive, strapping, funny Slavic male factor cuts it. At a certain point its that I'm a 19 year old, heterosexual male and the number of girls I've kissed remains in the single digits. The number of girls I've kissed with any meaning remains about 2. the number of girls I've gone out with is half that again. the number of guys I've kissed is only a couple shy of the total amount. Not that absolute numbers mean everything. But still. And I don't know why its there really. Well maybe I do and I just don't like to face up to it. But the problem is I like myself... and somewhere along the line, its just not there. Its not enough, or its too much. Or. Fuck, I don't know.
What am I missing that makes this so difficult? As far as I can tell I lack any major physical disfigurements, I'm reasonably funny, generally confident, decently intelligent and nice. Maybe thats the issue. I'm just a nice guy. And sometimes when i think about, it doesn't seem too far fetched. What is there that draws people close to me? Friends are fine; from about year 12 onwards I've never really had any trouble making friends and I love them all dearly. But I seem to have severe issues making an intimate connection. I've had one and it was beautiful and wonderful and probably the most important thing thats ever happened to me. It did amazing things for my confidence in general, but outside it's bounds there's still a seed of doubt lingering underneath. And either side of it... I'm not sure what to do. Even half the time there has been some form of mutual attraction going, its failed. And as much as those are all attributable to other factors, after a while it dents you a bit. I missed learning all this somewhere. And I never thought it was that difficult.
Increasingly I'm feeling stranded; unsure where to look and feeling lonely. My brother's first long-term relationship sprang from a casual kiss one night. But i can't even muster that much fortuity. I've only had one random snog with a girl (that is, one with no overt romantic overtures, just something that happened) in about two years. And you know what? I really do feel like I'm missing something. As much as i despise the way most of the whole teen/general sexual economy works (the delights of a steves, red rock, clubber trifecta - hey that's residual school bitterness for you) there's still some space in there where I crave a feeling of normalcy. Not to delve into shit meat market snogathons. But its one of those things where most people seem to do it. And I just feel like I'm on the outer. I've spent most of my life being different or special. I've skipped a year (spending primary school as the designated nerd), and I've had cancer (missing out on making new friends in high school and spending my first few years as a socially ostracised cripple). Not that I'm particularly bitter about any of it, it just gets a little tiring after a while. I've started to come into myself so much over the past few years. And I really am finally getting to a spot where I like who I am and I like the perople I'm with and what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. And I've fought so fucking much for it. And my friends love me. But by and large thats as far as it goes. Its still not enough. And I don't know how I need to change again to find my way out of here.
I don't want to be normal necessarily. But sometimes I'm tired of being outside.
Yeah, i know. This sounds like an angsty teenager mega rant. I guess in many ways it is and I hate it that this gets to me. But it does. and somewhere along the line it just leaves me feeling a bit inferior. A bit. detached. I guess I just wish it was easier. Or maybe that i could pretend not to feel it.