(no subject)
now its just a creeping sadness, lingering. but I don't really want to talk or not talk or scream or cry or laugh. I just feel an absence, one I can see for its momentary substantiality. soon life's continental drift will begin to efface this emotion, singlularising memory into a lying coherency. it doesn't feel like that though. images drift around and sometimes I'm ok and other times its harder. but so it goes. a laughing man, with the gentle eyes and the silent pride. a nagging, recalcitrant old man, stubborn to the point of idiocy. seems pretty human to me. but most things do. the family is clustering; rare these days after all the pain that they've seen. i might be going early in the week. probably the last time grandma will see them all together. next time it'll be her they arrive to farewell. a woman who left home at 19 and only returned the year after her mother died. her family is her reason. and maybe she can reclaim her life now. but what will her world be like without him. 55 years of routine trickling through her hands. love isn't the right word, not these day. but still its the waking up to an unfamiliar life, a vacuum in space. my mum leaves tonight. she's stoic; a mortal pragmatist. when do you stumble upon that ability? i wonder what thoughts fly through her head. or has she been living this moment for so long that her peace is ready made. and still my thoughts flicker to him. distant, but a constant of life, and already memories seem that bit more hollow. And I'm not too sad. but in some moments I wish I could fall into gentle words, and sleep inside the safety of someone else's love. but I can't help but feel that these days wishing is all I seem to do.
haha, so death makes us selfish too. hmm.
haha, so death makes us selfish too. hmm.