We throw our hearts against the wall. We grow the will to make it fall.
Well, with The Daily Record being Scotland’s biggest-selling tabloid and an all-round national institution, I take it you are all aware of their agony aunt, Just Joan, yes?
Ok, well… will someone please enlighten me as to why THIS MINDLESS, IRRELEVANT, CONDESCENDING, PRETENTIOUS, DECREPIT AND DOWNRIGHT OFFENSIVE CRETIN HAS A FUCKING JOB???????
Really, for as long as I can remember, Joan Burnie (wow, even her surname is idiotic) has infuriated me to no end with that agony aunt page of hers and her mind-numbingly inept advice. George W. Bush is more qualified to be President of the United States than this waste of human life is to give advice - never mind to give said ‘advice’ every week day in a national newspaper to a readership that officially covers three quarters of this country.
Really, how exactly did our precious wee Joan manage to land this position? Sure, I am plainly aware there is nothing out there that singularly represents the right to have your own problem page, but at the very least you should have some form of authority and distinguishable clout above the typical opinionated columnist.
Perfect example would be Dr Miriam Stoppard’s problem page in The Daily Mirror. Notice this: DR Miriam. Having a problem page handled by a qualified medical practitioner, now, that makes sense to me - whereas The Daily Record has Just Joan, who from what I have found out, does NOTHING. Nothing but spit out her dated, embarrassingly-sexist aural garbage that somehow qualifies as advice. If I had the opportunity, I would launch a brick in the direction of her disgustingly smug, self-righteous face.
When Dr Miriam gives advice, it is lengthy, in-depth and logical, and for the most part given from an entirely neutral perspective - which is what a person in her position should be: non-judgemental and able to get straight to the advice and do her best to help whatever member of the public is in need. That is her job. That is why these agony aunt pages exist. But hold on, folks! No one seems to have told Just Joan this!!! Which might explain why her typical reply to any problem would go as follows:
1. No matter what the problem, it is YOUR FAULT. That’s right, if your husband has cheated on you, according to Joan that means you are weak and can’t keep track of your man; If you have cheated on your husband, according to Joan that means you are a whore, or in her words, “A dirty wee tart”; If your parents are beating you, then according to Joan, you deserve it for not making your bed properly; If the OAP next door is looking at you from his bedroom with his hands down his pants, then according to Joan, that’s what you get for not drawing your curtains and having the nerve to look out your own window; If your wife has died, then poor old widower, it’s your fault for marrying a woman who didn’t have the ability to live forever.
2. After ripping you to shreds for daring to have a problem with the life God gave you, the insensitive boot will then restate your entire problem, because you know us unintelligent, non-agony aunt folk might not have understood it the first time! What fools we are! Joan, c’mon, help us out! We’ve already read the entire problem once, but of course, that’s not enough in your opinion, is it??? We need to be told twice, because of course, We R LiKe So DuM LOLZ!!!!!
3. And finally, the be all and end all of an agony aunt page: the advice. But oh no, with Just Joan, there is no advice! And the arrogant imbecile has the impudent nerve to subhead her page ‘The Agony Aunt With All The Answers’. Answers my fucking balls. There is no answers. No. All you’ll get is a phone number. Yes, that’s right. A phone number. No epiphany-like lecture or enlightening plan to turn your life around. Just a phone number. At least Dr Miriam gives a crap enough to at least show some genuine compassion and empathy, and do her best to help. Joan, quite simply, just can’t be arsed to do that, and instead gives you the same number to the same emotional support line that she gives to every one else. Feel better.
It’s bad enough that the bint doesn’t help your life, but no, she has now gone one better: she now RUINS LIVES. I have to applaud you, Joan. Really, what a sublime edition to your repertoire, you hate-filled, miserable, lower than piss, home-wrecking bitch. A while ago a poor woman wrote in about how she caught her husband masturbating in the bathroom. Needless to say, her first thought was that she wasn’t able to satisfy him fully in bed, and thus, she felt incredibly insecure and felt like some advice was needed. Ok, now any normal person would recommend that she and her husband talk out whatever sexual issues they have (if they have any at all, he could have just been jacking off because he wants to, not because his wife is rubbish in the sack) and if any issues do arise, they maybe go to marriage counselling. Simple as, yes? But, no, not for our Joan.
No, poor woman, what you need is a divorce!
That’s right. That was her suggestion. Absurd isn’t it? A marriage should be ended just because the husband was caught unloading in the toilet. UTTERLY RIDICULOUS. Joan, in all seriousness, suggested to this woman that her marriage of a decade should be over, because (Good Lord!) her husband committed the mother of all sins: masturbation.
Joan, I don’t know if you know this (and why would you seeing as no right-minded guy would ever come within a five-block radius of you?), but guys masturbate. All of them. And any who say they don’t is a liar. It’s a fact of life. A guy could be having the most wild, sordid sex life since Samantha from Sex & The City, and he would still jack off. Fact. It’s not a sin, it’s nothing against his spouse and, dearest lord, it sure as fuck isn’t worth ending a marriage over. Idiot.
Furthermore, what if it was the other way round and it was the husband who caught his wife pleasuring herself??? Would she feel the same? WOULD SHE FUCK??? See, folks, Joan Burnie seems to have missed the last forty years of human society, and is still unaware that woman are now treated as equally as men nowadays on every level - and rightly so. We are now finally living in a country of equality where woman are as equally represented as men and treated without condescension or patronised, but Joan, seemingly, missed it all!!! She’ll still, at every opportunity, give replies in the mindset of ‘Man = Wrong, Woman = Right’. This blatant sexism is seen every day in a national newspaper, and it is fucking appalling. Jessica and I had a huge talk about this last night, and she said that as an 18 year old female, she can’t help but cringe every time she reads Joan’s page. She also added that if it was a male columnist writing in the mindset of ‘Men = Right, and Woman = Wrong’, could you imagine the uproar and controversy??? Yet there has not been any mention of the reverse, that is plainly evident in Joan’s page. It’s sickening, and embarrassingly dated concerning the free, equal society we now thankfully live in, and Jessi and I are proof, that from both a male and female perspective, this page is an outright farce.
This all leads to the reason I am actually making this post, and why I am sending a similarly like-minded email to the Just Joan page itself, calling her ass out, and if she has any sort of integrity (haha, integrity and Joan Burnie in the same sentence) she’ll print my email and do her best to regain all traces of self-worth and character that I will take from her. Or just leave a number to help me control my anger issues.
But of course, most likely she won’t print it, because like this post, my email will serve as a mirror to her true reflection. And she won’t like what she sees. But it’s getting sent anyway, and in the end, she WILL read it - most likely not print it - but she will read it, and oh boy, the truth is going to hurt like a biaaatch, motherfucker.
So yes, the reason why I have actually vented all this. A little while ago a 19 year old boy wrote in to Just Joan, having just been dumped by his girlfriend of two years, and he wrote about how drastically she has changed since then: she now sleeps around with different guys every other night, gets wasted to the point of not knowing where the Hell she is, and she never used to be like this at all. Well, like any decent guy would be, he is worried that she’ll get taken advantage of, and/or worse. What should he do?
Well, step one in the Just Joan plan was what, kids? That’s right! Make it out to be YOUR fault.
“Your problem is that you can’t let go. That is why you’re maybe exaggerating her drinking as well as her flirting… do yourself a favour and stop watching her all the time… she’s also becoming an obsession and if you’re not careful that could lead to her accusing you of stalking her.”
MY GOD!
I could not fucking BELIEVE what I was reading. She incredibly accuses this boy of being clingy; a liar; and a future stalker!!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT???? The above are direct quotes straight from the page. I have it in front of me right now. The boy is not being clingy; he’s just looking out for the girl he had been with for the last two years. Joan, how can you also just fucking assume he is exaggerating???? Were YOU there, you fucking arrogant, ignorant, self-sanctimonious cow???? And my God, the stalker comment, I really don’t know what to say on that. Really.
And, amazingly, there’s more!
“…all the girl is doing is letting her hair down a wee bit… she’s spreading her wings and I’d say good luck to her.”
MY GOD!!!!!
Spreading her wings??? No, she’s spreading her fucking legs in an over-inebriated state to loads of guys, making her vulnerable to all sorts of creeps and predators. How can a woman of at least 40 say this??? And then wish her good luck?!?! Aye hen, good luck on getting taken advantage of, or worse, sexually assaulted and emotionally scarred for life. Reading her say all this made me sick to my stomach, just the sheer ignorance and lunacy of such a statement. Does she not know how much a sexual assault can rip apart someone’s life? Reading this reply was simply fucking shocking.
But no, it didn’t end there. She finished with this:
“Leave her alone. No more phone calls. No more contact with her friends or her family. She doesn’t want you. It’s O.V.E.R. For emotional support log on to www.breathingspacescotland.co.uk.”
This poor guy, only wanting to do the right thing, gets hit with THIS. Can you imagine how he felt being told that??? After reading that, I can honestly say if I saw Joan Burnie on the street, I would have to restrain myself from pushing her in front of a bus. She is fucking scum. “She doesn’t want you. It’s O.V.E.R.” That is just astonishing. AND THEN SHE HAS THE NERVE TO FINISH BY GIVING HIM THAT WEBSITE?!?!?! I was furious to the point of bursting vessels in my temple as I read all of this. The way in which she told off this boy (FOR DOING NOTHING WRONG) was downright appalling, and quite frankly, inhuman. How could someone possibly do that? For all we know this boy could have been incredibly sensitive, and being told something like that could have driven him to suicide. “She doesn’t want you. It’s O.V.E.R.” It’s not that hard to imagine if you really think about it, but I hope to God I’m wrong.
Yes, son, I have just crushed your soul when you only asked for help, here’s a website to help you out with the problems I can’t be arsed dealing with. Good luck.
PS: it’s your fault, and you’ll be alone forever. It’s over.
Just Joan: Just Fucking Wrong.
Ok, well… will someone please enlighten me as to why THIS MINDLESS, IRRELEVANT, CONDESCENDING, PRETENTIOUS, DECREPIT AND DOWNRIGHT OFFENSIVE CRETIN HAS A FUCKING JOB???????
Really, for as long as I can remember, Joan Burnie (wow, even her surname is idiotic) has infuriated me to no end with that agony aunt page of hers and her mind-numbingly inept advice. George W. Bush is more qualified to be President of the United States than this waste of human life is to give advice - never mind to give said ‘advice’ every week day in a national newspaper to a readership that officially covers three quarters of this country.
Really, how exactly did our precious wee Joan manage to land this position? Sure, I am plainly aware there is nothing out there that singularly represents the right to have your own problem page, but at the very least you should have some form of authority and distinguishable clout above the typical opinionated columnist.
Perfect example would be Dr Miriam Stoppard’s problem page in The Daily Mirror. Notice this: DR Miriam. Having a problem page handled by a qualified medical practitioner, now, that makes sense to me - whereas The Daily Record has Just Joan, who from what I have found out, does NOTHING. Nothing but spit out her dated, embarrassingly-sexist aural garbage that somehow qualifies as advice. If I had the opportunity, I would launch a brick in the direction of her disgustingly smug, self-righteous face.
When Dr Miriam gives advice, it is lengthy, in-depth and logical, and for the most part given from an entirely neutral perspective - which is what a person in her position should be: non-judgemental and able to get straight to the advice and do her best to help whatever member of the public is in need. That is her job. That is why these agony aunt pages exist. But hold on, folks! No one seems to have told Just Joan this!!! Which might explain why her typical reply to any problem would go as follows:
1. No matter what the problem, it is YOUR FAULT. That’s right, if your husband has cheated on you, according to Joan that means you are weak and can’t keep track of your man; If you have cheated on your husband, according to Joan that means you are a whore, or in her words, “A dirty wee tart”; If your parents are beating you, then according to Joan, you deserve it for not making your bed properly; If the OAP next door is looking at you from his bedroom with his hands down his pants, then according to Joan, that’s what you get for not drawing your curtains and having the nerve to look out your own window; If your wife has died, then poor old widower, it’s your fault for marrying a woman who didn’t have the ability to live forever.
2. After ripping you to shreds for daring to have a problem with the life God gave you, the insensitive boot will then restate your entire problem, because you know us unintelligent, non-agony aunt folk might not have understood it the first time! What fools we are! Joan, c’mon, help us out! We’ve already read the entire problem once, but of course, that’s not enough in your opinion, is it??? We need to be told twice, because of course, We R LiKe So DuM LOLZ!!!!!
3. And finally, the be all and end all of an agony aunt page: the advice. But oh no, with Just Joan, there is no advice! And the arrogant imbecile has the impudent nerve to subhead her page ‘The Agony Aunt With All The Answers’. Answers my fucking balls. There is no answers. No. All you’ll get is a phone number. Yes, that’s right. A phone number. No epiphany-like lecture or enlightening plan to turn your life around. Just a phone number. At least Dr Miriam gives a crap enough to at least show some genuine compassion and empathy, and do her best to help. Joan, quite simply, just can’t be arsed to do that, and instead gives you the same number to the same emotional support line that she gives to every one else. Feel better.
It’s bad enough that the bint doesn’t help your life, but no, she has now gone one better: she now RUINS LIVES. I have to applaud you, Joan. Really, what a sublime edition to your repertoire, you hate-filled, miserable, lower than piss, home-wrecking bitch. A while ago a poor woman wrote in about how she caught her husband masturbating in the bathroom. Needless to say, her first thought was that she wasn’t able to satisfy him fully in bed, and thus, she felt incredibly insecure and felt like some advice was needed. Ok, now any normal person would recommend that she and her husband talk out whatever sexual issues they have (if they have any at all, he could have just been jacking off because he wants to, not because his wife is rubbish in the sack) and if any issues do arise, they maybe go to marriage counselling. Simple as, yes? But, no, not for our Joan.
No, poor woman, what you need is a divorce!
That’s right. That was her suggestion. Absurd isn’t it? A marriage should be ended just because the husband was caught unloading in the toilet. UTTERLY RIDICULOUS. Joan, in all seriousness, suggested to this woman that her marriage of a decade should be over, because (Good Lord!) her husband committed the mother of all sins: masturbation.
Joan, I don’t know if you know this (and why would you seeing as no right-minded guy would ever come within a five-block radius of you?), but guys masturbate. All of them. And any who say they don’t is a liar. It’s a fact of life. A guy could be having the most wild, sordid sex life since Samantha from Sex & The City, and he would still jack off. Fact. It’s not a sin, it’s nothing against his spouse and, dearest lord, it sure as fuck isn’t worth ending a marriage over. Idiot.
Furthermore, what if it was the other way round and it was the husband who caught his wife pleasuring herself??? Would she feel the same? WOULD SHE FUCK??? See, folks, Joan Burnie seems to have missed the last forty years of human society, and is still unaware that woman are now treated as equally as men nowadays on every level - and rightly so. We are now finally living in a country of equality where woman are as equally represented as men and treated without condescension or patronised, but Joan, seemingly, missed it all!!! She’ll still, at every opportunity, give replies in the mindset of ‘Man = Wrong, Woman = Right’. This blatant sexism is seen every day in a national newspaper, and it is fucking appalling. Jessica and I had a huge talk about this last night, and she said that as an 18 year old female, she can’t help but cringe every time she reads Joan’s page. She also added that if it was a male columnist writing in the mindset of ‘Men = Right, and Woman = Wrong’, could you imagine the uproar and controversy??? Yet there has not been any mention of the reverse, that is plainly evident in Joan’s page. It’s sickening, and embarrassingly dated concerning the free, equal society we now thankfully live in, and Jessi and I are proof, that from both a male and female perspective, this page is an outright farce.
This all leads to the reason I am actually making this post, and why I am sending a similarly like-minded email to the Just Joan page itself, calling her ass out, and if she has any sort of integrity (haha, integrity and Joan Burnie in the same sentence) she’ll print my email and do her best to regain all traces of self-worth and character that I will take from her. Or just leave a number to help me control my anger issues.
But of course, most likely she won’t print it, because like this post, my email will serve as a mirror to her true reflection. And she won’t like what she sees. But it’s getting sent anyway, and in the end, she WILL read it - most likely not print it - but she will read it, and oh boy, the truth is going to hurt like a biaaatch, motherfucker.
So yes, the reason why I have actually vented all this. A little while ago a 19 year old boy wrote in to Just Joan, having just been dumped by his girlfriend of two years, and he wrote about how drastically she has changed since then: she now sleeps around with different guys every other night, gets wasted to the point of not knowing where the Hell she is, and she never used to be like this at all. Well, like any decent guy would be, he is worried that she’ll get taken advantage of, and/or worse. What should he do?
Well, step one in the Just Joan plan was what, kids? That’s right! Make it out to be YOUR fault.
“Your problem is that you can’t let go. That is why you’re maybe exaggerating her drinking as well as her flirting… do yourself a favour and stop watching her all the time… she’s also becoming an obsession and if you’re not careful that could lead to her accusing you of stalking her.”
MY GOD!
I could not fucking BELIEVE what I was reading. She incredibly accuses this boy of being clingy; a liar; and a future stalker!!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT???? The above are direct quotes straight from the page. I have it in front of me right now. The boy is not being clingy; he’s just looking out for the girl he had been with for the last two years. Joan, how can you also just fucking assume he is exaggerating???? Were YOU there, you fucking arrogant, ignorant, self-sanctimonious cow???? And my God, the stalker comment, I really don’t know what to say on that. Really.
And, amazingly, there’s more!
“…all the girl is doing is letting her hair down a wee bit… she’s spreading her wings and I’d say good luck to her.”
MY GOD!!!!!
Spreading her wings??? No, she’s spreading her fucking legs in an over-inebriated state to loads of guys, making her vulnerable to all sorts of creeps and predators. How can a woman of at least 40 say this??? And then wish her good luck?!?! Aye hen, good luck on getting taken advantage of, or worse, sexually assaulted and emotionally scarred for life. Reading her say all this made me sick to my stomach, just the sheer ignorance and lunacy of such a statement. Does she not know how much a sexual assault can rip apart someone’s life? Reading this reply was simply fucking shocking.
But no, it didn’t end there. She finished with this:
“Leave her alone. No more phone calls. No more contact with her friends or her family. She doesn’t want you. It’s O.V.E.R. For emotional support log on to www.breathingspacescotland.co.uk.”
This poor guy, only wanting to do the right thing, gets hit with THIS. Can you imagine how he felt being told that??? After reading that, I can honestly say if I saw Joan Burnie on the street, I would have to restrain myself from pushing her in front of a bus. She is fucking scum. “She doesn’t want you. It’s O.V.E.R.” That is just astonishing. AND THEN SHE HAS THE NERVE TO FINISH BY GIVING HIM THAT WEBSITE?!?!?! I was furious to the point of bursting vessels in my temple as I read all of this. The way in which she told off this boy (FOR DOING NOTHING WRONG) was downright appalling, and quite frankly, inhuman. How could someone possibly do that? For all we know this boy could have been incredibly sensitive, and being told something like that could have driven him to suicide. “She doesn’t want you. It’s O.V.E.R.” It’s not that hard to imagine if you really think about it, but I hope to God I’m wrong.
Yes, son, I have just crushed your soul when you only asked for help, here’s a website to help you out with the problems I can’t be arsed dealing with. Good luck.
PS: it’s your fault, and you’ll be alone forever. It’s over.
Just Joan: Just Fucking Wrong.