002: Fitting in

[captain_in_you]

I finally found my coat! Hated having to cut holes in the back of it, but it's had worse, I suppose. It was in the weapons shop, who knew my coat was a weapon? Vortex manipulator was there too, but it's broken again. Of course.

Doctor, you found your sonic yet? I'm guessing this place isn't going to let you have the TARDIS.Thanks to everyone who

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[im_brilliant]

[The Doctor's former self was harder, rougher, edgier, and usually had no qualms with playing along at times. But that was also before... Now every instinct thudded in his chest and the back of his mind, urging him to get out and get away now. That he had to keep moving. His trust in Jack and all his logic couldn't always hold up a fight against what was embedded in his very DNA. He didn't want to fear Jack, but it was now part of his nature. And so it seemed the TARDIS was much more forgiving than his own subconscious, if the events on the Crucible were anything to go by.]

Jack... [He lifts his hands up, palms flat against the Captain's chest. Neither pushing away, nor pulling in farther. Just enough to establish a little bit of space, to keep him from feeling entirely closed in.] It's never "nothing" with you. [He tilts his head away mostly, giving Jack almost entirely his profile. He fixates on the rest of the wood, before shifting back to meet Jack's gaze. Face showing cool reserve, but there's no hiding that instinctual fear glinting in his eyes. His hearts are beating a mile a minute. He's not sure what to make of this at all, and such confusion alone is enough to keep him on his toes.]

I don't know... [His hands fist in the fabric, he's trying not to tremble. He doesn't want to run, he doesn't want to be completely alone again. But he feels lost now, so lost and confused and unsure what to feel.] Something just...tells me it's more than that, is all. [He sighs but still isn't moving away, which is a sign that he's at least considering it amongst all the other pressing issue running about his clever, powerful mind.]

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[captain_in_you]

[Jack continues to touch the Doctor's face lightly, watching the different emotions warring in his eyes. He can feel the tension in the other's body, and he's honestly surprised that the Doctor even seems to be considering the possibility.]

I didn't say it would be 'nothing.' It would never be that. [His own heart is pounding in his chest, and he wonders if the Doctor can feel it.] It would just be the beginning.

[He's close enough now that he can feel the Doctor's breath on his lips, slightly warmer puffs in the cold air. His wings flutter slightly, the only indication of his agitation.] It's nothing major because there are so many other things I'd love to do with you, Doctor. This is... just a demonstration. Right?

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[im_brilliant]

[ His face reddens for a moment before paling - he was able to pick up on that innuendo just fine. And oh, that sounded and felt so strange coming from a male. Not that he'd ever heard it from females, either. The situation as a whole was making him feel awkward. With all the years and experiences under his belt, he didn't like to admit that this was the one thing he didn't know much about. At least, aside from the technical aspects. ]

Right... [The Doctor's eyes shift from Jack, to the left, to the right, then back to Jack. He's panting softly, trying to keep up with the anxiety coursing through his nerves. The rhythm of four pounds away at his head. His wings ache from being flattened against the rough bark of the tree, but he's able to ignore it.]

[And did he hear correctly - yes, he did. Jack used that L-word. Not to the full use, but even still. That didn't sit well with him. The last time that word was used it had nearly disastrous results. No. Never again would he allow that to happen. He would never let himself even consider falling for a companion again. Too many hearts he'd broken, and too many of them had hurt him as well.] Um... [But what was this, then? Should he damn himself to a life in solitude just because he's afraid? There are so many things about Jack that he fears. His very existence unsettles him. But he's known the man for years. Jack saw him fresh from the Time War, when he was most unstable. Had witnessed his dealings with the Master, and with Davros. Few others could say they shared the same experiences. But the Captain was now everything the Time Lords kept away from, something that went completely against his instincts. Now stuck without his TARDIS he felt so much weaker, so physically and emotionally vulnerable , and that as well kept him fearful. He didn't like feeling so powerless.]

[But he knows Jack. He's grown to trust him...to an extent. And now Jack must think the worst of him, considering he just found himself lost in rambling thoughts for several minutes. Quickly, he blinks himself back to focusing on the matter at hand. They were standing rather close to each other, he could feel the Captain's heartbeat and his breath warm against his cooler skin. He didn't want to run but he wasn't sure where this was going to lead to. And he was scared. But really, what options were there? He was already feeling guilty enough as it was for the 456 incident, now. He could stand against his instincts just enough to let Jack have a little...something. If only to ease that burning guilt.]

Ah, yes... [Turns his head back to face Jack so their foreheads touch. He closes his eyes for a couple of seconds and sighs, before opening back up to meet his gaze. He's not smiling, but he doesn't look quite so upset either.His hands loosen their tight hold.] Just a demonstration.

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[captain_in_you]

[Jack watches the play of emotions across the Doctor's face, his fingertips resting lightly on the back of the other man's neck. Again, he is tempted to back away... he doesn't like upsetting the Doctor, not in any way. But oh, that flush on his face is tempting, as well as that slightly vulnerable look...]

It's all right.

[He strokes his thumb gently over the Doctor's cheek, waiting for him to meet his gaze again. He can see the fear, the uncertainty, the guilt, all warring for dominance... but there's something else there, trust, want, need, all flickering in his wide brown eyes.]

Just a... [Cupping his hand around the back of the Doctor's neck, he tilts his head, lips just barely brushing the Doctor's, a nearly electric thrill running through his body at the touch.] Mmm...

[Sliding his other hand to the Doctor's waist, he pulls him closer, bodies pressing together as he deepens the kiss, lips moving softly, passionately.]

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[im_brilliant]

[Hm... Kissing Jack again wasn't exactly as he remembered. For one thing, he could feel just how less than chaste this one was. The last kiss he could recall to feel like this was bestowed upon him by Lady Christina de Souza. Kisses like it were not a common occurrence for him.]

...Hm? [He shifts slightly, sliding his hands up to drape his arms over Jack's shoulders. For a few moments he pauses, just letting Jack kiss him. His eyes widen in surprise at the fervor before fluttering shut. Finally, he manages to fight down the instinct enough to kiss him back - just a little. Enough to give the Captain a taste of what he wanted but also enough to let him know that he was holding back on purpose. The feel of their bodies touching sends jolts through him and warmth spreading across his colder form.]

[He can't help but feel awkward, either. It'd been a while since he'd kissed a man - the same man in fact. And it'd been so brief he'd never actually had to think about that one. Yet now he had to worry about where to put his hands, of all things. He didn't want to give Jack the wrong idea - any wrong idea. Over the shoulders felt like the safest bet. It showed intimacy but not too much.]

...Mmh. [The Doctor's wings flutter as he murmurs into the kiss in contentment. He's not against this entirely - it does feel rather nice. It'd been a while since he let anyone come this close. And he knew that right now, Jack wasn't going to go anywhere. The fear was letting itself be filed away at the back of his mind once more. It was almost enough to make him forgot what got them in this predicament in the first place. Almost.]

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[captain_in_you]

[Jack is definitely holding himself back, kissing the Doctor with restrained passion.]

I'm really kissing him... I'm kissing the Doctor...

[That thought alone is enough to make him moan softly, pressing closer to the Time Lord. All the guilt, the pain, the reasons why he left Earth seem to fade away in this moment, and he can just forget. He wonders if the Doctor can sense what he's feeling now... his tightly-controlled mental shields over his emotions and thoughts are slipping a bit, and he really can't bring himself to care; he wants the Doctor to know exactly what this kiss is doing to him. All the pent-up desire and anger and guilt and want for this man are bubbling up from the depths and he knows he has to break this off now before it becomes more than just a demonstration.]

[Finally, reluctantly, he breaks the kiss and draws away, barely a breath separating them, panting lightly as he pulls himself back under control.]

And that's... just a taste. [He's still holding the Doctor close, his wings twitching a bit, fingertips stroking lightly through the hair at the back of his neck.]

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[im_brilliant]

[As Jack pulls away, the Doctor peers into his eyes. His hands slide back from his shoulders to rest at his collar. He's panting softly, his face flushes for the most fleeting of instances. Yet even still, he doesn't brush Jack away or flinch him off. Oddly enough, he finds the little idle ministration almost comforting. It's not often someone does that for him. Usually he's the one helping everyone else.]

[He studies Jack for a moment, regarding him curiously. Part of him wants to know what he was thinking - to tap into his mind and open some doors, just to figure out what all this is about. But he doesn't; he won't. Much in the same way he didn't appreciate Reinette's mental invasion, nor Skye's. Jack has far too many years, far too many secrets hidden away, and he knows there's a lot in there he would not want to risk stumbling upon. But at the same time, he doesn't like not knowing. Not being able to understand something happening around him. Not to say he didn't know the Captain fancied him, he did, and would try to shrug it off. But this felt like more than a flirt, more than a flight of fancy. Even though he knows he probably shouldn't, he wants to know what Jack's mind is conjuring up. What all this could mean.]

I... [ The Doctor licks his own lips, blinking slowly and glancing away. He strums his fingers lightly on Jack's chest as he takes a deep breath, trying to figure out what to make of all this.] Suppose it was, yeah.

But- [Jack should have seen this coming. The Doctor sighs.] This...thing. Whatever you want to call it. It should ah, stay between us.

Don't misunderstand-...[For a brief instance there's a look of desperation flickering in his eyes.] I- and this isn't the easiest to say, especially now, but... I do need you. It's nice to have you around. Was a bit lonely before winding up here. Then again, that's actually pretty normal. [He worries his lip a little.] My concern is, well, we should prioritize... We need to figure a way out of here. To help everyone get to their homes safely. Then afterward, perhaps... [He's willing his cheeks to not turn pink. His hands twitch against the fabric. He's not quite able to meet Jack's eyes, though.] We can travel around, some. You and me. Like before.

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[captain_in_you]

[Jack stays quiet while the Doctor speaks, nodding faintly in understanding.]

There is no... thing, right? I haven't even really caught you yet. [He smiles and takes a step back, his walls coming back up. He's good at this... he's used to this. Hiding his emotions comes naturally.] But yeah, it'll stay right here. I won't tell anyone, don't worry.

[Taking a deep breath, he steps away again, shoving his hands in his pockets.] Priorities, right. Gotta get everyone out, and if anyone can, I'm sure it'll be you. [There's another smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes, his own failures haunting him.] It'll be good to travel with you again. I'd like that.

[action]

[im_brilliant]

[He smiles back at him, but it's small and far more grim. His eyes have completely lost the light that had been flickering in them minutes ago. Much like the time vortex at the heart of the TARDIS, how own emotions now were a swirling infinite void of chaos. He didn't know what he should be feeling now - what was considered normal. Even logical thought was failing him, aside from the things that were obvious from the start. All he had left were his instincts, and once again they were all urging him to leave. What do Time Lords do when they find something they can't bear to face? Something that they can't make sense of? They escape it. They run away. In some instances they lack the perseverance humans possess, and that at times makes him feel jealous. And like a coward.]

Of course there is no thing! [His speech is now back to coming out a mile a minute, and slightly panicked.] Why would there be a thing? I was just saying that whatever it was that just happened, it's best not to be repeated. Now... [The Doctor looks all around, brow quirked curiously.] Let's just hope these trees don't start talking, yes?

[He steps away from the tree and brushes himself off, wings fluttering at the freeing feeling of no longer being flattened. Hearts, racing, he gently touches his hand to Jack's shoulder as he passes him. It's a fleeting gesture, the intimacy behind it subtle. But it's the closest thing he could do to express himself, other than just say that while he'll avoid what they just did he won't forget it. But with this new development, he couldn't cope. Not without the TARDIS to run to. He was beginning to feel the weight of being trapped in one place for too long. All he could do was just run, even though he knew he had no where to run to. He couldn't stay. Not right now. There were more pressing matters - such as coming up with a working escape plan. The Doctor couldn't let his emotions, insecurities, and uncertainties get in the way of that. And he most certainly didn't want to admit that a very small bit deep inside him kind of actually liked what just happened. That was simply unacceptable.] It's almost supper, judging by the sun. Ought to hurry back before Jenny heads out looking for us. The last thing we'd want to do is make her mad.

[Over his shoulder, the Doctor offers Jack a faint little smile. Regarding him the same way he had Rose, Martha, Donna, and all those before. Something he never thought he'd be able to do, since the incident with the Time Vortex.] Coming?

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[captain_in_you]

[A small shudder races through Jack at the Doctor's touch, a faint, fleeting remnant of what they had just shared. He draws in a long, slow breath, trying to calm and make sense of what just happened. He honestly hadn't expected the Doctor to go along with it, but now that he had, were they just going to pretend it never occurred? Surely not. If that small touch was anything to go by, perhaps there was a chance for the future...]

Stop it, you know he'll never look at you that way. And what the hell is wrong with you anyway, it hasn't even been a year since...

[He cuts himself off from that line of thinking, pushing down the pain as he has for the past long months. Realizing he's been standing in silence for too long, he nods and takes a few hurried steps to catch up with the Doctor.] Right behind you.

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[im_brilliant]

[Hands slipping into his pockets, the Doctor keeps to a moderate pace. Sometimes he finds it easier to think when he's moving. He's had several sleepless nights lately, instead using that time to wander around. It helped him find his bearings and figure the place out better. If there was one good thing being brought here had bestowed upon him, other than Jenny of course, was the fact he had a lot of 'thinking room'. Without the TARDIS he felt less demands from others and more from himself. While not necessarily the best thing he was starting to appreciate the time he now had to metaphorically soak in his own mental juices. ]

[But at the same time the TARDIS, along with the screwdriver, was one of his biggest handicaps. Without it - without them - there really wasn't a whole lot he could do. It wasn't as if he could just conjure up the perfect escape with some twine, a paperclip, and a piece of chewing gum. No, it'd need to be much more refined. Obviously, they knew his weaknesses and were using them all against him. He'd never felt this vulnerable in so long. It made him grateful that at least none of his enemies were here to see him like this. Only Jenny.]

[...And Jack. And did he ever just see him incredibly vulnerable. The Doctor feared he could only get worse from here. The more he dwelt on it, the more his insecurities came out. It wouldn't be long now until he found himself in silent despair - utterly miserable - but only to be kept to himself, no one else could ever know. Time Lords were much different animals from humans, they hid their pain and could hide it rather well when they wanted to. He knew there was a long, painful road ahead of him - ahead of them. He'd just agreed to take Jack along for the ride, which no upon retrospect was a rather foolish move. Didn't he just decide not long ago to leave companions out of things for their own good? But he trusted Jack...and the Captain was all he had now.]

Good. Wouldn't want to lose you, now. Especially not here - the forest, I mean.

[And he wouldn't give that up for the world.]