A little less vague.
I always seem to update this whenever something is troubling my life. Probably because it's the only place where I really only have about one reader who probably stops in on less occasions than myself. Not that it is a bad thing. Livejournal is pretty forgettable.
I also normally update whenever I'm having lame problems with boyfriends, friends, etc. But this time, it's different. I am having problems, but with an ex-boyfriend, and it doesn't seem to be troubling me as much today. I kind of get stronger as the days go by. I finally told my mother last night when I got home from work. EVERYTHING. There were lots of tears..but mom always has lots of encouraging words. Well..most of the time. Depending on the situation. On thing that trouble me, yes. My ambitions, no.
I've noticed a pattern in my actions. In a relationship I am selfish. I don't really think about other people's feelings. I mean, I do, but not as much as my own. Considering that fact that 99.9% of the time, I am the one who gets hurt. I noticed that after I go through a really rough situation of any sort, I'm hold other relationships with people to more value than before.
Some things bother me. Especially saying i love you. I think I've gained an even greater personal agreement that those words are probably the most mistreated and underestimated in the whole book. They've turned into something of such cheap value that I've developed a constant knot in my stomach.
I also want to kick myself in the ass for ever believe those words coming out of someone's mouth. And coming out of my own. 'Love' in teenage terms puts an awful trance on you.
I told my mom last night that I felt like a 40 year old stuck in a 16 year old's body. For the most part. She said she knew. One of the most frustrating things for me to experience is trying to get someone to understand. Let's face it. You either do..or you don't. Most of the time, you don't. The only two people who could really just look at me. And just know. Corinne and Jason. I don't think you realize how much comfort I can find in someone not even having to ask me what's going on. Just knowing. Not having to explain. Not having to fucking argue. Or try to get someone to just UNDERSTAND.
I think the reason why I hold so much in sometimes is because the people who the media thinks I'm supposed to relate to, along with everyone else on this earth..is my peers. But I don't. Which makes talking to someone about things a little more complicated. And decent conversations can be stretched so far and wide that it's impossible to keep your sanity sometimes.
This is for the best. God knows why I broke up with Jordan. I'll know why someday soon. Mom says that some people grow together. And some people grow apart. We grew apart. And I'm somewhat grateful. Even though things feel awful now, there's nothing I can do to change the way someone feels. Except for myself. And that's what I'll do.
Some relationships are blinded by lust.
Some are blinded by the mere thought of being in a relationship.
But this. I don't know what happened.
Fucking liar.
I hope you all are doing well.
Stop by sometime. But not too many of you.
-Amanda
I also normally update whenever I'm having lame problems with boyfriends, friends, etc. But this time, it's different. I am having problems, but with an ex-boyfriend, and it doesn't seem to be troubling me as much today. I kind of get stronger as the days go by. I finally told my mother last night when I got home from work. EVERYTHING. There were lots of tears..but mom always has lots of encouraging words. Well..most of the time. Depending on the situation. On thing that trouble me, yes. My ambitions, no.
I've noticed a pattern in my actions. In a relationship I am selfish. I don't really think about other people's feelings. I mean, I do, but not as much as my own. Considering that fact that 99.9% of the time, I am the one who gets hurt. I noticed that after I go through a really rough situation of any sort, I'm hold other relationships with people to more value than before.
Some things bother me. Especially saying i love you. I think I've gained an even greater personal agreement that those words are probably the most mistreated and underestimated in the whole book. They've turned into something of such cheap value that I've developed a constant knot in my stomach.
I also want to kick myself in the ass for ever believe those words coming out of someone's mouth. And coming out of my own. 'Love' in teenage terms puts an awful trance on you.
I told my mom last night that I felt like a 40 year old stuck in a 16 year old's body. For the most part. She said she knew. One of the most frustrating things for me to experience is trying to get someone to understand. Let's face it. You either do..or you don't. Most of the time, you don't. The only two people who could really just look at me. And just know. Corinne and Jason. I don't think you realize how much comfort I can find in someone not even having to ask me what's going on. Just knowing. Not having to explain. Not having to fucking argue. Or try to get someone to just UNDERSTAND.
I think the reason why I hold so much in sometimes is because the people who the media thinks I'm supposed to relate to, along with everyone else on this earth..is my peers. But I don't. Which makes talking to someone about things a little more complicated. And decent conversations can be stretched so far and wide that it's impossible to keep your sanity sometimes.
This is for the best. God knows why I broke up with Jordan. I'll know why someday soon. Mom says that some people grow together. And some people grow apart. We grew apart. And I'm somewhat grateful. Even though things feel awful now, there's nothing I can do to change the way someone feels. Except for myself. And that's what I'll do.
Some relationships are blinded by lust.
Some are blinded by the mere thought of being in a relationship.
But this. I don't know what happened.
Fucking liar.
I hope you all are doing well.
Stop by sometime. But not too many of you.
-Amanda