Faltered
I had so many dreams about the baby that I'm kind of understanding now what everyone told me that it would haunt me forever. I miss there being something in here even though it was tremendously painful. I can still see it dancing at the ultrasound and hear that horrible sucking sound and I knew it was over. I wanted to bleed to death in the back of my mind I thought it. I still wonder if I made the right choice, I thought with myself over this for weeks and it seemed the only option but I just wonder what it would have been like if I'd have kept it and had it in march. A bunch of people I know are now pregnant, and my best friend is struggling with her newest because it has a genetic disease and we talk sbout her kids alot and I miss having a purpose thats more than myself. Someone that would look like me that has some of my parts. I'm just overwhelmed today and I talked to nando for 5 minutes and he's not mad at me just disappointed which is to be expected and he's so sad I wish there were something I could do to help, to fix things but I can't. Whats done is done. I keep thinking of the bottle in the kitchen or maybe even just taking the hydroccodone and just sleeping the rest of the day. I just don't want to dream or think anymore today. I shouldn't even think like this its so selfish of me. Geartwaing made me promise and gave his life and I'm just being weak. So many people die and want to keep living and here I am thinking bad things and being stupid. I wish I didn't flipside like this so much. When I get access back I think I'll go back to therapy and actually try the drugs and see if maybe they help. For now I'ma go lay down I've had the worst stomach cramps of my life the past 2 days and it seeps into the kidneys and its not even my time of the month!