An Eric Paul Johnson Thanksgiing
December 2, 2009 Wednesday 11:55:44 AM 58°
Of my choices in my last post I picked having Thanksgiving with my sister and nephew at my parents house. It was a day filled with memories I’ll never forget. Sort of like how a plane crash survivor has memories he’ll never forget.
My mom called at around 12:30 asking me if I’m coming over soon. My hopes were raised a bit. Are they not going to their friends? My sister won’t be cooking? No, they were going.
I went to my parents house, not looking forward to this. I don’t much like my sister. Honestly, if we weren’t from the same gene pool I don’t see how in any way we would know each other. We are polar opposites in every way.
So, my parents were gone when I got there, and nephew Ethan was in the kitchen with the stove open looking over the turkey. I headed right to the Dorito’s and bowl of onion dip. I figured my sister Diane was in her room with her sleazeball boyfriend. Me and Ethan talked for a little bit, then I had to ask...”Is he here?”
“Who?” Ethan asked.
“Diane’s toothless boyfriend.”
“He’s not toothless,” he said, then went on. “He’s not here. He’s in jail.”
Ahhhh, sweet relief! One of the many things I was dreading about Thanksgiving with my sister; meeting her skeezix boyfriend. And, I wasn’t surprised one bit why he wasn’t here.
“Guess why,” Ethan said, placing his ample butt on the counter where the food was being made. I said nothing, the damage was done, but my head was screaming louder than a Black-Eyed Peas concert, “YEEEEG!!!! HE’S SITTING ON THE FOOD COUNTER!!!!!! OH, THE GERMS!!!!! OH, THE HUMANITY!!!!”
Kat knows this guessing thing is a dangerous game to play with me, cuz I will throw out an endless stream of implausible guesses until finally the person gets sick of it and just tells me right out.
“Jaywalking?” I asked.
“Nope,” Ethan said.
And I kept going. Some of the guesses I threw out were insider trading, embezzlement, extortion, regicide, insurance fraud, rigging an election.
Diane shuffled into the kitchen to look at the turkey. She said something about her pimping boyfriend. Ethan said, “Aw, you gave it away!” The official charge was trafficking a prostitute. Again, wasn’t surprised. Leroy’s (I don’t know his name) pleading the Eddie Murphy defense, though. He was just giving someone a ride.
I went to the living room, took out my Macbook, and killed time while watching Mythbusters.
At some point the turkey was taken out. I plugged my Macbook into the stereo to play Christmas songs while we ate. Ethan asked why we weren’t listening to a band he played a little bit to me earlier. I said, “Because (insert band name here) suck giant, purple donkey shlongs.” It was one of those exceedingly hard bands that play tuneless, distorted hyper guitar and drum noise, with a lead singer who sounds like he’s seriously constipated, and seriously upset about it.
The ham was taken out of the refrigerator. Knowing how hygienically challenged Ethan and Diane are I WATCHED what food they handled. Diane asked him to put the ham in the microwave. “I’LL do that!” I piped in. The ham was part of my meal. I could see in my head clear as day Ethan testing the ham’s warmth by touching it with his grubby 14 year-old boy fingers.
I would’ve liked to have the stuffing, but I didn’t see how it was handled before it went into the turkey. Same story for the mashed potatoes.
When the ham was warmed I took it to the table, sat down, and started eating. Ethan said something about the cranberry sauce missing. He took down a can, opened it, and let it slurp out of the can onto the plate. He was gonna start cutting it with a knife that was sitting on the same counter he parked his butt earlier, but I said, “Bring it here. I’LL cut it.” And he did.
When my mom makes Thanksgiving I have ham, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, rolls, cheesy potatoes, and stuffing. Considering who made this dinner, and that some things were missing, I had ham and cranberry sauce. A weak Thanksgiving meal. Even popcorn, pretzel sticks, and jelly beans would’ve been better than this. And I hate jelly beans!
And my nightmare was realized. Ethan took a few slices of ham with his bare fingers. Good thing I was done eating, anyway.
I went in the living room and read the newspaper. At some point a horror I had not anticipated reared it’s ugly head in my direction.
Ethan said, “You wanna see me moonwalk?”
I really didn’t care, but said, “Sure.”
And he got up from the recliner, started walking backwards, and pulled down his pants to show me his naked ass. Great, that just figures. The first live nudity I see that isn’t me in almost a year is the bare ass of a 5’8, 200-pound, pimply-faced 14, almost 15 year-old boy who’s yet to understand the delight to others around him of the daily shower.
I let out an exasperated sigh, and said with a scowl, “Thanks,” and went back to the newspaper hoping less gruesome things like murder, war, and wide-spread disease would scrub Ethan’s ass from my memory.
About an hour later it was pie time. My mom made, and left an apple pie for us. This is why I didn’t choose sitting at home alone. I’d participate in a tea-bagging rally if my mother’s apple pie was there. And I’m not talking about the uber-nuts, conspiracy-whacked, perpetually angry about phony FOX News dreamed up ghosts, Right Wing Conservatives.
Again I insisted on cutting the pie. No way in Hell anyone’s gonna take this away from me! I cut, gave a piece to Ethan, took a piece for me. Yummy as always.
Now that the pie was done, and I watched a Thanksgiving episode of Newhart it was time to go home and do the best part of Thanksgiving day. Put up the Christmas decorations!!!
Despite all that, Thanksgiving with my sister was better than I expected, thanks to my sister’s scumwad boyfriend not being there, and Diane pretty much keeping to herself in her room, or out on the back patio smoking.
Seriously, if my parents pull this stunt again next year, I am going with Kat to Chicago and spend Thanksgiving with her family where nobody talks about how long it’s been since they’ve had sex, nobody farts near the food, the children are well behaved, and relatives don’t expose their ass to each other!!!!
Of my choices in my last post I picked having Thanksgiving with my sister and nephew at my parents house. It was a day filled with memories I’ll never forget. Sort of like how a plane crash survivor has memories he’ll never forget.
My mom called at around 12:30 asking me if I’m coming over soon. My hopes were raised a bit. Are they not going to their friends? My sister won’t be cooking? No, they were going.
I went to my parents house, not looking forward to this. I don’t much like my sister. Honestly, if we weren’t from the same gene pool I don’t see how in any way we would know each other. We are polar opposites in every way.
So, my parents were gone when I got there, and nephew Ethan was in the kitchen with the stove open looking over the turkey. I headed right to the Dorito’s and bowl of onion dip. I figured my sister Diane was in her room with her sleazeball boyfriend. Me and Ethan talked for a little bit, then I had to ask...”Is he here?”
“Who?” Ethan asked.
“Diane’s toothless boyfriend.”
“He’s not toothless,” he said, then went on. “He’s not here. He’s in jail.”
Ahhhh, sweet relief! One of the many things I was dreading about Thanksgiving with my sister; meeting her skeezix boyfriend. And, I wasn’t surprised one bit why he wasn’t here.
“Guess why,” Ethan said, placing his ample butt on the counter where the food was being made. I said nothing, the damage was done, but my head was screaming louder than a Black-Eyed Peas concert, “YEEEEG!!!! HE’S SITTING ON THE FOOD COUNTER!!!!!! OH, THE GERMS!!!!! OH, THE HUMANITY!!!!”
Kat knows this guessing thing is a dangerous game to play with me, cuz I will throw out an endless stream of implausible guesses until finally the person gets sick of it and just tells me right out.
“Jaywalking?” I asked.
“Nope,” Ethan said.
And I kept going. Some of the guesses I threw out were insider trading, embezzlement, extortion, regicide, insurance fraud, rigging an election.
Diane shuffled into the kitchen to look at the turkey. She said something about her pimping boyfriend. Ethan said, “Aw, you gave it away!” The official charge was trafficking a prostitute. Again, wasn’t surprised. Leroy’s (I don’t know his name) pleading the Eddie Murphy defense, though. He was just giving someone a ride.
I went to the living room, took out my Macbook, and killed time while watching Mythbusters.
At some point the turkey was taken out. I plugged my Macbook into the stereo to play Christmas songs while we ate. Ethan asked why we weren’t listening to a band he played a little bit to me earlier. I said, “Because (insert band name here) suck giant, purple donkey shlongs.” It was one of those exceedingly hard bands that play tuneless, distorted hyper guitar and drum noise, with a lead singer who sounds like he’s seriously constipated, and seriously upset about it.
The ham was taken out of the refrigerator. Knowing how hygienically challenged Ethan and Diane are I WATCHED what food they handled. Diane asked him to put the ham in the microwave. “I’LL do that!” I piped in. The ham was part of my meal. I could see in my head clear as day Ethan testing the ham’s warmth by touching it with his grubby 14 year-old boy fingers.
I would’ve liked to have the stuffing, but I didn’t see how it was handled before it went into the turkey. Same story for the mashed potatoes.
When the ham was warmed I took it to the table, sat down, and started eating. Ethan said something about the cranberry sauce missing. He took down a can, opened it, and let it slurp out of the can onto the plate. He was gonna start cutting it with a knife that was sitting on the same counter he parked his butt earlier, but I said, “Bring it here. I’LL cut it.” And he did.
When my mom makes Thanksgiving I have ham, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, rolls, cheesy potatoes, and stuffing. Considering who made this dinner, and that some things were missing, I had ham and cranberry sauce. A weak Thanksgiving meal. Even popcorn, pretzel sticks, and jelly beans would’ve been better than this. And I hate jelly beans!
And my nightmare was realized. Ethan took a few slices of ham with his bare fingers. Good thing I was done eating, anyway.
I went in the living room and read the newspaper. At some point a horror I had not anticipated reared it’s ugly head in my direction.
Ethan said, “You wanna see me moonwalk?”
I really didn’t care, but said, “Sure.”
And he got up from the recliner, started walking backwards, and pulled down his pants to show me his naked ass. Great, that just figures. The first live nudity I see that isn’t me in almost a year is the bare ass of a 5’8, 200-pound, pimply-faced 14, almost 15 year-old boy who’s yet to understand the delight to others around him of the daily shower.
I let out an exasperated sigh, and said with a scowl, “Thanks,” and went back to the newspaper hoping less gruesome things like murder, war, and wide-spread disease would scrub Ethan’s ass from my memory.
About an hour later it was pie time. My mom made, and left an apple pie for us. This is why I didn’t choose sitting at home alone. I’d participate in a tea-bagging rally if my mother’s apple pie was there. And I’m not talking about the uber-nuts, conspiracy-whacked, perpetually angry about phony FOX News dreamed up ghosts, Right Wing Conservatives.
Again I insisted on cutting the pie. No way in Hell anyone’s gonna take this away from me! I cut, gave a piece to Ethan, took a piece for me. Yummy as always.
Now that the pie was done, and I watched a Thanksgiving episode of Newhart it was time to go home and do the best part of Thanksgiving day. Put up the Christmas decorations!!!
Despite all that, Thanksgiving with my sister was better than I expected, thanks to my sister’s scumwad boyfriend not being there, and Diane pretty much keeping to herself in her room, or out on the back patio smoking.
Seriously, if my parents pull this stunt again next year, I am going with Kat to Chicago and spend Thanksgiving with her family where nobody talks about how long it’s been since they’ve had sex, nobody farts near the food, the children are well behaved, and relatives don’t expose their ass to each other!!!!