Loon News Update
ERIC AND KAT BREAK UP!!!
Erat cite stupid trend of combining couples names as reason
By Smokie Norfull
Loon News staff
Rumors reported by reputable news organizations like The Onion, E! TV, The Skyhawk Plight, and FOX News of such a shocking nature that it almost knocked the globe off its axis were confirmed Wednesday when it was announced famous eccentrics Eric Paul Johnson and Kat Crabtree have indeed broked up’d.
Reasons for the break up weren’t revealed, but some suspect Kat got tired of Eric’s annoying habit of playing bad Classic Rock songs with armpit farts during church, and his 4 AM ghostly sleep moans. It’s said Eric accepted Kat’s break-up because he couldn’t stand watching her make his Star Wars figures have sex, and that he’s an idiot who apparently wants to spend the rest of his life alone surrounded by Legos.
When reached for comment, at Star Wars- themed gay bar The Probe Droid, Eric, who will turn 40 on May 11th so buy him lots of birthday presents from his wish list, said, “Scram! I’m trying to get drunk for the first time in my life!” A kindly old man went to the reporter and said, “This little one’s not worth the effort. Come, let me buy you a drink.”
Kat expressed different sentiments when she said, “Leave me alone. I’m trying to get drunk for the first time in my life.”
Kat and Eric became one of the most popular and A-dorable couples on the scene when they started going out on July 4, 2005 Monday 2:41 AM. Many times they were spotted clubbing with the likes of Truman Capote, George Goebel, and Colonel Harlan Sanders. However, this information was received from FOX News so it may not be entirely accurate.
The two separated on May 3, 2009 Sunday 3:20 PM. The news was kept quiet until friends and next of kin could be notified.
Johnson’s lifelong friend, M.C. Brennan, said, “Gahd, I can’t stand that friggin’ nut! She’s such a talentless idiot who can only get attention with her boobies or shaving her head! Wait, what? Aren’t we still talking about Brittney Spears? Kat and Eric? Awoh…I’m sorry to hear that. I like Kat.”
Kat’s mom, Linda, said, “Now who am I gonna pester about wearing dress pants?”
Eric’s friend, Mena Ryan, said, “Oh, crap, now I’m gonna have to deal with another crying pussy, aren’t I.” Mena’s cat, Sarah, said, “Meow?”
Kat’s friend Lea Buck released a statement saying, “Oh, poopie.”
Some suspected the end was near when the two were seen getting thrown out of trendy L.A. nightclub Stooge3 after starting a cream pie and seltzer water fight. Johnson tried to defend their actions by saying, “I thought that’s what you were supposed to do there. I mean, they had that stuff conveniently lined up on a counter. And, c’mon, look at the name of the place!”
Mathemagician, and apparently clueless owner of Club Stooge3, Larry Stooge, said, “Huh? I don’t get it. I happen to like cream pies and seltzer water. Wiseguy… WHAT!?! Why does everyone in this place giggle when I say that?!?!?!?!”
Real trouble came when the two went to the Star Trek Experience at the Las Vegas Hilton and Kat was tossed out by Klingon-clad security guards because she would not shut up about how much she hates Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. When Johnson was asked if he knew her, he said he had no idea who she was. Kat was left fuming outside of the casino. Johnson remained (HID!) inside the exhibit for two weeks.
Of the break up Johnson said, “I am sorry. Kat’s a swell egg, and I feel bad it didn’t work out. And…aw hell…do I really have to say it? It’s been 221/2 years. Isn’t it time we get a new catch phrase to put in every Loon News, story? …sigh…fine…I WAS SCREWED OVER AND THAT’S JUST ALL THERE IS TO IT, ALRIGHT!?! There, now send a royalty check to Leon for 12.7 cents.”
Crabtree’s spokesmouse, a Miss Mary Mouse, said, “Kat waived any visitation rights to Eric’s life-size latex Yoda. It has yet to be determined who gets custody of the Deluxe Scrabble game.”
Being involved in a romantic relationship for so long, some claim Eric’s handling the break up a little too well if he’s writing a flippant Loon News story about it. To that Johnson says, “Bite me, Geraldo! If I don’t crack wise I’ll crack open my wrists.”
Mouse said the two remain good friends, and may still hang out if Eric ever stops belching “Frankenstein” by The Edgar Winter Group.
Erat cite stupid trend of combining couples names as reason
By Smokie Norfull
Loon News staff
Rumors reported by reputable news organizations like The Onion, E! TV, The Skyhawk Plight, and FOX News of such a shocking nature that it almost knocked the globe off its axis were confirmed Wednesday when it was announced famous eccentrics Eric Paul Johnson and Kat Crabtree have indeed broked up’d.
Reasons for the break up weren’t revealed, but some suspect Kat got tired of Eric’s annoying habit of playing bad Classic Rock songs with armpit farts during church, and his 4 AM ghostly sleep moans. It’s said Eric accepted Kat’s break-up because he couldn’t stand watching her make his Star Wars figures have sex, and that he’s an idiot who apparently wants to spend the rest of his life alone surrounded by Legos.
When reached for comment, at Star Wars- themed gay bar The Probe Droid, Eric, who will turn 40 on May 11th so buy him lots of birthday presents from his wish list, said, “Scram! I’m trying to get drunk for the first time in my life!” A kindly old man went to the reporter and said, “This little one’s not worth the effort. Come, let me buy you a drink.”
Kat expressed different sentiments when she said, “Leave me alone. I’m trying to get drunk for the first time in my life.”
Kat and Eric became one of the most popular and A-dorable couples on the scene when they started going out on July 4, 2005 Monday 2:41 AM. Many times they were spotted clubbing with the likes of Truman Capote, George Goebel, and Colonel Harlan Sanders. However, this information was received from FOX News so it may not be entirely accurate.
The two separated on May 3, 2009 Sunday 3:20 PM. The news was kept quiet until friends and next of kin could be notified.
Johnson’s lifelong friend, M.C. Brennan, said, “Gahd, I can’t stand that friggin’ nut! She’s such a talentless idiot who can only get attention with her boobies or shaving her head! Wait, what? Aren’t we still talking about Brittney Spears? Kat and Eric? Awoh…I’m sorry to hear that. I like Kat.”
Kat’s mom, Linda, said, “Now who am I gonna pester about wearing dress pants?”
Eric’s friend, Mena Ryan, said, “Oh, crap, now I’m gonna have to deal with another crying pussy, aren’t I.” Mena’s cat, Sarah, said, “Meow?”
Kat’s friend Lea Buck released a statement saying, “Oh, poopie.”
Some suspected the end was near when the two were seen getting thrown out of trendy L.A. nightclub Stooge3 after starting a cream pie and seltzer water fight. Johnson tried to defend their actions by saying, “I thought that’s what you were supposed to do there. I mean, they had that stuff conveniently lined up on a counter. And, c’mon, look at the name of the place!”
Mathemagician, and apparently clueless owner of Club Stooge3, Larry Stooge, said, “Huh? I don’t get it. I happen to like cream pies and seltzer water. Wiseguy… WHAT!?! Why does everyone in this place giggle when I say that?!?!?!?!”
Real trouble came when the two went to the Star Trek Experience at the Las Vegas Hilton and Kat was tossed out by Klingon-clad security guards because she would not shut up about how much she hates Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. When Johnson was asked if he knew her, he said he had no idea who she was. Kat was left fuming outside of the casino. Johnson remained (HID!) inside the exhibit for two weeks.
Of the break up Johnson said, “I am sorry. Kat’s a swell egg, and I feel bad it didn’t work out. And…aw hell…do I really have to say it? It’s been 221/2 years. Isn’t it time we get a new catch phrase to put in every Loon News, story? …sigh…fine…I WAS SCREWED OVER AND THAT’S JUST ALL THERE IS TO IT, ALRIGHT!?! There, now send a royalty check to Leon for 12.7 cents.”
Crabtree’s spokesmouse, a Miss Mary Mouse, said, “Kat waived any visitation rights to Eric’s life-size latex Yoda. It has yet to be determined who gets custody of the Deluxe Scrabble game.”
Being involved in a romantic relationship for so long, some claim Eric’s handling the break up a little too well if he’s writing a flippant Loon News story about it. To that Johnson says, “Bite me, Geraldo! If I don’t crack wise I’ll crack open my wrists.”
Mouse said the two remain good friends, and may still hang out if Eric ever stops belching “Frankenstein” by The Edgar Winter Group.