I just have so many Questions.

[capsulecorp22]

Well the last couple of weeks here is how it went. I went to a doc to try something new for my ever continuing problem with being depressed. I got an appointment then I got the meds, and then I got the blood drawn to check for any blood disorders. Take the pill feel pretty good still feel good, great even. I keep putting on weight then I lose it again. My body hits 180 then it just eats itself to keep me at that weight. 185 was my max ever never more than that. I need to start working out so that way I am something to look at. Not the scrawny red head kid from down the street maybe then I might weigh a little more. I know most of you out there are like why is he bitching about being 180. Well I do not feel strong enough of or like I weigh enough for my body size. So I just kind of beat myself up. I am so unhappy with what I look like and what I am doing with myself. Not depressed about it just unhappy with myself. So then comes my anger I get so unhappy I just piss myself off. I just feel like a time bomb ready to burst. Like I get so angry over stupid things I get more pissed because it is a dumb reason. That and I don't know what people want me to do. I don't know what to believe anymore because they tell me one thing then they do another. I just get left in the dark I can't even count on my really good friends that much anymore to even call me. I just don't know what anyone wants from me. Do they want me as a friend, or not, do they want to use me to get at something I have, Does anyone truely care if I am happy, do my feelings matter, If I ask someone not do do something will they do it anyway, Does my famliy and friends really love as much as they say they do, Am I just wasting your time, Do the little things I do even matter, or Does anyone even notice, Will anyone miss me if I am gone, If I just up and left would anyone notice, When I hold someone does it comfort them, When they say they love me do they really mean it, When I cry does anyone comfort me because they want to, or Is it because they are afraid if they don't I will do something drastic, and Most of all am I a good person. I just ask these questions because I see things so much differantly than some people do. You could say hi while clearing your throat and I might take it as you telling me to go fuck myself. I don't know if I have ever wronged any of you because I don't know if me joking around has offended anyone I am rather oblivious to such things if I offend you don't be afraid to tell me I did so. I would rather here it from anyone of you than to to hear it second hand. For those of you I did I am sorry and this is the only thing I can offer. But there are a few people who have done unforgivible things to me (which there are very,very, very few of you) and for those select few who have I do hope that you die. My forgivness only runs so deep. But do not think that it is one of you the ones that I truly detest will or do know who they are if you think you are one of them than ask if you a curious because I will tell you the truth. But other than that I feel fine a tad to angry from time to time. But I am working on it. Like the old saying Rome was not build in a day, So I will not be not be rebuilt in that much time either. So I ask of any of you to be patient and try to cope with it. To tell you all the truth right now I feel quite a bit better right now for just venting. If you read this and think this is a stab at any one direct person you are wrong. I felt like updating and this is what came out with. So do not think I hate you all or anything like that. I just needed to get some shit out. So no one be mad at me please.

Love,
The Sorrow

P.S. This is not aimed at no one at all. I state this again I just felt like typing how I felt. But now I feel a little bit better.