fuck

[capstan]

it's really nice when yr mum tells you that you can "do photography for leisure" but you must get "a nice, easy high-paying job like an english lecturer as yr profession" and yr exhausted, decrepit and nauseous and yr almost falling apart with illness and ache because you spent the day you were supposed to be resting in bed travelling to the other end of the fucking island to learn how to use studio lights and flash yet you readily drag yrself out of bed in anticipation of going to a tiny room to take photos of dumbfuck models for pretty much the whole day because you want the job, you need the job, you have got to have the fucking job because it is yr dream to become a photographer and if that entails sitting in a small, cold room taking stupid fucking photographs of models for a couple of months or years then yr more than willing to do that and sick as you are, you lie in bed dreaming about it all night and worrying about yr equipment and clothes and lack of fucking memory card and flash. fucking hilarious. my dreams suck.

i am teetering on the point of collapse.