Chaz Chucklez
(repost from Hearts & Guts)
In which I have discovered some deeply hidden, very old, very secret things about a certain manager, and now share them with you.
I can't tell you my identity or how I gained access, or I would be hunted down and killed, but I was snooping through Mordhaus when I found this old, tattered spiral notebook with a photo tucked inside. It was... Well, surprising, to say the least. It appears to have been used as a journal of sorts. Some of the pages have been torn out, I have no way of know what might have been there. A few entries are partial, so some parts are definitely missing. I quickly scanned all that remained with my... Let’s just say I came prepared, and have now transcribed those pages here for you. Since he never gives his real name (and neither will I), and he's barely recognizable in the photo, I think it's safe enough? If you never hear from me again, then you'll know I was very, very wrong.
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[...] that ad. This may be something I may end up regretting, but I'm going to try! College is the time to try new things, right?
Nov 10- Last night I joined a band. This isn't like the one I was in in high school, these guys are a bit older and they're really serious about making it. I told them I can play guitar too, but they just want a singer, and they want me to jump around a lot and stuff. I can do that, I've always been naturally athletic. They're called Zazz Blammymatazz, and they all go by stage names. I have to think of one for me. And they don't care that I'm underage, they say the clubs won't mind as long as I don't drink during the shows. Our shows. This is going to be awesome!
Nov 14- Bink Bonk gave me a tape of all the songs they have so far. He laid some vocal tracks to give me the idea, but told me I can do them however I want. They're giving me a week to learn them all, then we start to practice for real. I picked my name, Chaz Chucklez. I like it.
Nov 23- They do cocaine. I didn't expect that, but I guess I should have, bands do drugs, right? It’s a band thing? They offered me a line, but I stuck to the beer they had. Sure I want to try new things, but coke just seems a bit too much, too fast? Or maybe I'm just a wuss.
Nov 24- If this works out, I'll need to think up an excuse not to come home over Christmas break. It's not like I'd be missing much anyway, it's always the same stuffy, boring traditions, same old arguments with my father. And if I stay here, I can put off the always inevitable fight about my hair, and they don't even know that I dyed it right after I got here. I wanted a change, I wanted to be different from who I was at home, a new beginning. I know they hate that I won't cut it, and I'm sick of arguing about it. Well, I’ll worry about that later, I have enough to deal with right now. I missed my early class today, slept right through my alarm. That’s okay, I got the notes from [name removed].
Nov 26- Razzy says I can choose from some old pants he doesn't wear anymore, since we’re close in size. Good, I won't have to buy any. And he likes darker colors. Snowball will even wear white sometimes, and I can see way more than I ever wanted to when he does. I guess it doesn’t matter for him, he’s mostly just behind the drums anyway where nobody can see, but I want something dark, like black, or maybe red. Hopefully that's what he's offering? I told my parents I won’t be home for Thanksgiving, told them I have too much studying I need to do. That’s not even a lie, though it’s not what I’m going to be doing. Well, not a lot of the time anyway, but I do need to catch up some if I can. It’s getting harder to juggle it all, and I’m starting to make mistakes. Nothing I can’t recover from though, at least not yet.
Dec 2- Snowball did my makeup. Well, we sort of came up with my look together. The nose was a little hard to get used to, it felt like it might fall off and I was worried that it would distort my voice, but it stayed in place fine, and there was no difference that I could tell. It was hard, walking out onto the stage wearing nothing but Razzy's old checked pants that left little to the imagination and a long silk scarf. I felt simultaneously very exposed, and safely hidden behind my makeup. I was so worried I'd forget the words, but my nervousness quickly faded. It probably helped that I couldn't see the crowd clearly, since I didn't have my glasses on. It was awesome! It was such a rush, I love being in the spotlights! And they liked us! They liked us a lot!
Dec 10- I gave in. We're playing every weekend now, we're practicing almost nightly, except for Thursdays when I have my late class, and I'm not even halfway through my exams. I was dragging too bad, could barely stay awake during the testing. They said it would fix me, so what the hell, I tried it. It burns a little, especially at first, but I feel like I can do anything now! I can focus, I can ace these exams! It’s funny, I always thought cocaine was this big deal, scary even, but it’s really not, it just makes you feel good. And very alive.
Dec 15- They complained about my night class, frequently, but that’s over now. I’ll try to arrange my schedule better next quarter, I didn’t know I’d have any commitments when I set this one up. No really early classes either, I missed that one more times than I would have liked. Exams were hell, that whole week was, but I think I did pretty good. I feel like I did anyway. It’s been really hard, juggling school and my band, now I’m going to enjoy my very well deserved break.
Dec 22- I told my parents I wasn’t coming home. Mom cried like she always does, Father yelled and tried to guilt trip me, like he always does. But in the end, they had no choice but to accept it. We played an early Christmas show, I expected that a lot of people would have gone home already, but it was pretty crowded! Bink Bonk says he has a feeling that this is a band that’s going to be huge, when we get more exposure. I want to believe him!
Jan 5- We played New Year's Eve, at the new club downtown. It was incredible, the place was completely packed! Biggest crowd I’ve ever preformed for, and I loved it! My life is finally going my way, fronting a band that's really starting to make a name for itself, and even managed to keep my grades up! Well, up enough anyway. I feel like I can own the whole world, and that's not just the coke talking. Got my new class schedule all set up, no more night classes, and no more really early ones. That'll make things easier. Who needs sleep? Not me! Well, not very much anyway.
Jan 9- Playing shows is amazing! Having groupies is amazing! Partying with my band is amazing! Even when we [...]
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[...] thinks he's good but he sucks. Even I could do a far better job, but they won't hear it. He even wears makeup himself, like he's part of the band. The manager shouldn't be the band's friend, shouldn’t try to be, he should look out for their best interests. Mom called again last weekend, she keeps asking me if I’ve met somebody special yet. Of course not, I don’t have time for a relationship. Between school and the band, there’s just nothing left.
Mar 22- I had the chance to hit a campus party, as I sometimes do when we don’t have practice, and had one of the stranger experiences of my life so far. This group of girls were raving about how hot they thinks Chaz is. I feel like Superman, in normal everyday clothes and glasses, nobody has a clue about my secret identity. But I have to admit, it’s pretty weird to have girls simultaneously wanting to sleep with you, and almost shunning you. I don’t really have a social life on campus, I just don’t have the time. It’s rare that I can even make it to one of these parties, I’m not at all popular. But they love Chaz, boy do they ever! I’m okay with this.
Mar 25- Spring break! We have several shows lined up, so it's going to be one big party and I'll be right in the middle of it!
Mar 31- I survived Spring Break. Holy shit it was awesome though, no classes to worry about and just a constant party! I never though I’d see a night like that one where [...]
~ ~ ~
[...] said there was an agent in the crowd, but as far as I know he didn't talk to any of us? Is it really possible we might get signed? Already? That seems almost too much to hope for, we do seem to be popular locally, but can a clown band really make it? I hope so!
May 17- So our manager did his job, for once, and lined us up to open for a pretty big act, a several state area tour. The only problem is that the tour starts June 1st, and I'm not done with exams until the 11th. I want to go on tour, of course I want to! But can't we push it back a couple weeks? Bands don't last, or at least a lot of them don’t, and I just don't know if I'm willing to give up on all my hard work so far and take that chance.
May 18- They're pressuring me. We had another good show, and of course they all want to go on tour. Waiting is not an option, they want to know if I’m in or out. I can't decide!
May 19- Maybe I should drop out, what if this is my big chance and I blow it? I don't even have a major yet, I don't know what I want to do, it's not like my future is planned. My grades are slipping too, not badly but I’m just not giving school my full attention. Maybe that’s a sign I should quit, how I keep putting the band first. Maybe I'm making a big mistake by not jumping at this opportunity? But if I do, I might end up losing everything.
May 20- They fucking replaced me! They didn't even tell me, not even a phone call! But when I got to practice, there was this other guy there. He says his name is Dr. Rockso, and he does cocaine. So what, we all do cocaine! That doesn't make you special! I can't believe they did this to me! They didn’t even wait for my answer!
Jun 1- The tour has started. I'm not going to any of their shows. Fuck those guys! And fuck that Dr. Rockso for taking it all away from me!
Jun 9- I just have to get through these exams, then I'm off for the whole summer. I guess I'll go home? I have no reason to stay anymore. I guess I should probably dye my hair back to its old plain brown first. Probably should start cutting back on the coke too, now that I’m not living a double life I should be able to manage without it. Well, a little every now and then won’t hurt, I guess. I like it too much to give it up completely.
Jun 21- Today I had an idea, I could be a lawyer, I could manage bands. I'd be way better that than dumbass we had to deal with. I need to pick a major very soon anyway, and luckily the classes I've taken so far mostly fit that one. What if i did band law? Is that a thing? I don’t care, I'll make that a thing! I'll put together the biggest band the [...]
~ ~ ~
(That's all there was, the rest is missing, but here's a scrap where he seemed to have been developing his signature.)
In which I have discovered some deeply hidden, very old, very secret things about a certain manager, and now share them with you.
I can't tell you my identity or how I gained access, or I would be hunted down and killed, but I was snooping through Mordhaus when I found this old, tattered spiral notebook with a photo tucked inside. It was... Well, surprising, to say the least. It appears to have been used as a journal of sorts. Some of the pages have been torn out, I have no way of know what might have been there. A few entries are partial, so some parts are definitely missing. I quickly scanned all that remained with my... Let’s just say I came prepared, and have now transcribed those pages here for you. Since he never gives his real name (and neither will I), and he's barely recognizable in the photo, I think it's safe enough? If you never hear from me again, then you'll know I was very, very wrong.
~ ~ ~
[...] that ad. This may be something I may end up regretting, but I'm going to try! College is the time to try new things, right?
Nov 10- Last night I joined a band. This isn't like the one I was in in high school, these guys are a bit older and they're really serious about making it. I told them I can play guitar too, but they just want a singer, and they want me to jump around a lot and stuff. I can do that, I've always been naturally athletic. They're called Zazz Blammymatazz, and they all go by stage names. I have to think of one for me. And they don't care that I'm underage, they say the clubs won't mind as long as I don't drink during the shows. Our shows. This is going to be awesome!
Nov 14- Bink Bonk gave me a tape of all the songs they have so far. He laid some vocal tracks to give me the idea, but told me I can do them however I want. They're giving me a week to learn them all, then we start to practice for real. I picked my name, Chaz Chucklez. I like it.
Nov 23- They do cocaine. I didn't expect that, but I guess I should have, bands do drugs, right? It’s a band thing? They offered me a line, but I stuck to the beer they had. Sure I want to try new things, but coke just seems a bit too much, too fast? Or maybe I'm just a wuss.
Nov 24- If this works out, I'll need to think up an excuse not to come home over Christmas break. It's not like I'd be missing much anyway, it's always the same stuffy, boring traditions, same old arguments with my father. And if I stay here, I can put off the always inevitable fight about my hair, and they don't even know that I dyed it right after I got here. I wanted a change, I wanted to be different from who I was at home, a new beginning. I know they hate that I won't cut it, and I'm sick of arguing about it. Well, I’ll worry about that later, I have enough to deal with right now. I missed my early class today, slept right through my alarm. That’s okay, I got the notes from [name removed].
Nov 26- Razzy says I can choose from some old pants he doesn't wear anymore, since we’re close in size. Good, I won't have to buy any. And he likes darker colors. Snowball will even wear white sometimes, and I can see way more than I ever wanted to when he does. I guess it doesn’t matter for him, he’s mostly just behind the drums anyway where nobody can see, but I want something dark, like black, or maybe red. Hopefully that's what he's offering? I told my parents I won’t be home for Thanksgiving, told them I have too much studying I need to do. That’s not even a lie, though it’s not what I’m going to be doing. Well, not a lot of the time anyway, but I do need to catch up some if I can. It’s getting harder to juggle it all, and I’m starting to make mistakes. Nothing I can’t recover from though, at least not yet.
Dec 2- Snowball did my makeup. Well, we sort of came up with my look together. The nose was a little hard to get used to, it felt like it might fall off and I was worried that it would distort my voice, but it stayed in place fine, and there was no difference that I could tell. It was hard, walking out onto the stage wearing nothing but Razzy's old checked pants that left little to the imagination and a long silk scarf. I felt simultaneously very exposed, and safely hidden behind my makeup. I was so worried I'd forget the words, but my nervousness quickly faded. It probably helped that I couldn't see the crowd clearly, since I didn't have my glasses on. It was awesome! It was such a rush, I love being in the spotlights! And they liked us! They liked us a lot!
Dec 10- I gave in. We're playing every weekend now, we're practicing almost nightly, except for Thursdays when I have my late class, and I'm not even halfway through my exams. I was dragging too bad, could barely stay awake during the testing. They said it would fix me, so what the hell, I tried it. It burns a little, especially at first, but I feel like I can do anything now! I can focus, I can ace these exams! It’s funny, I always thought cocaine was this big deal, scary even, but it’s really not, it just makes you feel good. And very alive.
Dec 15- They complained about my night class, frequently, but that’s over now. I’ll try to arrange my schedule better next quarter, I didn’t know I’d have any commitments when I set this one up. No really early classes either, I missed that one more times than I would have liked. Exams were hell, that whole week was, but I think I did pretty good. I feel like I did anyway. It’s been really hard, juggling school and my band, now I’m going to enjoy my very well deserved break.
Dec 22- I told my parents I wasn’t coming home. Mom cried like she always does, Father yelled and tried to guilt trip me, like he always does. But in the end, they had no choice but to accept it. We played an early Christmas show, I expected that a lot of people would have gone home already, but it was pretty crowded! Bink Bonk says he has a feeling that this is a band that’s going to be huge, when we get more exposure. I want to believe him!
Jan 5- We played New Year's Eve, at the new club downtown. It was incredible, the place was completely packed! Biggest crowd I’ve ever preformed for, and I loved it! My life is finally going my way, fronting a band that's really starting to make a name for itself, and even managed to keep my grades up! Well, up enough anyway. I feel like I can own the whole world, and that's not just the coke talking. Got my new class schedule all set up, no more night classes, and no more really early ones. That'll make things easier. Who needs sleep? Not me! Well, not very much anyway.
Jan 9- Playing shows is amazing! Having groupies is amazing! Partying with my band is amazing! Even when we [...]
~ ~ ~
[...] thinks he's good but he sucks. Even I could do a far better job, but they won't hear it. He even wears makeup himself, like he's part of the band. The manager shouldn't be the band's friend, shouldn’t try to be, he should look out for their best interests. Mom called again last weekend, she keeps asking me if I’ve met somebody special yet. Of course not, I don’t have time for a relationship. Between school and the band, there’s just nothing left.
Mar 22- I had the chance to hit a campus party, as I sometimes do when we don’t have practice, and had one of the stranger experiences of my life so far. This group of girls were raving about how hot they thinks Chaz is. I feel like Superman, in normal everyday clothes and glasses, nobody has a clue about my secret identity. But I have to admit, it’s pretty weird to have girls simultaneously wanting to sleep with you, and almost shunning you. I don’t really have a social life on campus, I just don’t have the time. It’s rare that I can even make it to one of these parties, I’m not at all popular. But they love Chaz, boy do they ever! I’m okay with this.
Mar 25- Spring break! We have several shows lined up, so it's going to be one big party and I'll be right in the middle of it!
Mar 31- I survived Spring Break. Holy shit it was awesome though, no classes to worry about and just a constant party! I never though I’d see a night like that one where [...]
~ ~ ~
[...] said there was an agent in the crowd, but as far as I know he didn't talk to any of us? Is it really possible we might get signed? Already? That seems almost too much to hope for, we do seem to be popular locally, but can a clown band really make it? I hope so!
May 17- So our manager did his job, for once, and lined us up to open for a pretty big act, a several state area tour. The only problem is that the tour starts June 1st, and I'm not done with exams until the 11th. I want to go on tour, of course I want to! But can't we push it back a couple weeks? Bands don't last, or at least a lot of them don’t, and I just don't know if I'm willing to give up on all my hard work so far and take that chance.
May 18- They're pressuring me. We had another good show, and of course they all want to go on tour. Waiting is not an option, they want to know if I’m in or out. I can't decide!
May 19- Maybe I should drop out, what if this is my big chance and I blow it? I don't even have a major yet, I don't know what I want to do, it's not like my future is planned. My grades are slipping too, not badly but I’m just not giving school my full attention. Maybe that’s a sign I should quit, how I keep putting the band first. Maybe I'm making a big mistake by not jumping at this opportunity? But if I do, I might end up losing everything.
May 20- They fucking replaced me! They didn't even tell me, not even a phone call! But when I got to practice, there was this other guy there. He says his name is Dr. Rockso, and he does cocaine. So what, we all do cocaine! That doesn't make you special! I can't believe they did this to me! They didn’t even wait for my answer!
Jun 1- The tour has started. I'm not going to any of their shows. Fuck those guys! And fuck that Dr. Rockso for taking it all away from me!
Jun 9- I just have to get through these exams, then I'm off for the whole summer. I guess I'll go home? I have no reason to stay anymore. I guess I should probably dye my hair back to its old plain brown first. Probably should start cutting back on the coke too, now that I’m not living a double life I should be able to manage without it. Well, a little every now and then won’t hurt, I guess. I like it too much to give it up completely.
Jun 21- Today I had an idea, I could be a lawyer, I could manage bands. I'd be way better that than dumbass we had to deal with. I need to pick a major very soon anyway, and luckily the classes I've taken so far mostly fit that one. What if i did band law? Is that a thing? I don’t care, I'll make that a thing! I'll put together the biggest band the [...]
~ ~ ~
(That's all there was, the rest is missing, but here's a scrap where he seemed to have been developing his signature.)