Fic: CFO Red Tie and Hood
Title: CFO Red Tie and Hood
Authors: zsomeone and nugatorytm
Rating: Pretty tame
Characters/pairing: Nathan/Charles, the rest of the band make a cameo
Summary: Nathan wanted him to do what?
Notes: For Nathan and Charles month, pirateking42 made a couple of pictures with her CFO and Nathan figures. Once you see them, you'll know what's going on. In case you haven't seen them:
CFO: http://brutalbusiness.livejournal.com/448006.html
Nathan: http://brutalbusiness.livejournal.com/448860.html
CFO and Nathan: http://brutalbusiness.livejournal.com/449265.html
For Pirate.
One night CFO Red Tie and Hood was walking through Mordhaus to bring his lead singer booze and pie...when, upon rounding a corner, he met up with a most unsavory character. "Hey, what's yerrrrrrrr name?" the most unsavory character asked.
CFO Red Tie and Hood surveyed the swaying pile of faux fur. "Pickles, for the last time, we're not doing that furry endorsement. Now step aside, I must bring Nathan his booze and pie."
Pickles hung his head, disappointed. "Creap, now I gotta tell Toki dat we're naht doin' it, n' he's gonna cry. Way ta go dere, Charlie...disappointin' people..." His nimble fingers plucked a beer from the basket before staggering off down the hall, no doubt on his way to deliver the bad news to Toki.
Charles sighed, he'd deal with them later. Hopefully he could make it to Nathan's room without further interruptions, it would be best if not too many people saw him walking around dressed this way. Last week when Nathan had proposed costumes and roleplay, this really hadn't been what he expected.
Unfortunately, luck was not with him today, for as he made his way down another hallway, there came from behind him a distinctive Swedish voice with a butchered English accent:
"Well, hellos dere, pretties lady. What ams you doings all wanderings around dis place by yourselfs, ah?"
The sultry voice was accompanied by a sultry riff on his ever-present guitar. Was Skwisgaar trying to seduce him? Was he that blind, even from the back? Well, the cloak did tend to cover up a lot.
Oh great, there were only two options as Charles saw it. He pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. A) He could turn and correct this mistake, which would involve explaining why he was walking around in a fucking cape, not something he really wanted to get into; or B) He could scream like a girl and run away, letting Skwisgaar keep assuming he was just some chick. Skwisgaar probably wouldn't chase him.
Undignified or even less dignified. With a sigh, Charles filled his lungs and let out a shriek worthy of Jamie Lee Curtis as he fled down the hallway, leaving a startled Skwisgaar standing there in shock.
The ruse worked so well, Charles decided to keep screaming and running until he got a good distance between the two of them, not trusting Skwisgaar to come running after him once the shock wore off. What Charles didn't bet on was colliding with Murderface, who had stepped out of one of the bathrooms to see what all the fuss was about.
He bounced off of William's prodigious paunch and landed on his ass, and only by curling himself around the picnic basket did he save the contents from being dashed to the floor and destroyed.
The stench that followed the bassist out the bathroom door rendered Charles speechless even more effectively than the impact had. Desperately he grabbed a handful of his cape and pressed it to his face in a poor attempt to filter the air. However could he get out of this one?
To his great surprise, Murderface offered a hand and helped him up. "Sssch... don't schay a word. I'm going to pretend I didn't schee thisch."
Saved by Murderface's homophobia! Charles hurried away from the reeking bathroom and continued on. Nathan better fucking make all this worth it.
At last his goal was in sight: Nathan's bedroom. Charles didn't even bother to knock, he burst through the door and slammed it behind him. As he leaned against the solid wood, he expected Nathan to come up from behind and wrap those beefy arms around his waist, as he was wont to do.
But when no hug came and the only sound was Charles's own panting, he turned and looked around.
The bedroom was empty.
"Nathan?"
A quick check of the bathroom showed that it was empty too.
To say that Charles was annoyed was an understatement. He'd gone to all that trouble at Nathan's request and the lead singer had the balls to forget??!
Suddenly, he spied Nathan's lyric journal lying open on his nightstand. In bold letters that took up a full page was the message:
Hey Red,
Meet me in the forest.
Big Bad
Charles pinched the bridge of his nose. "Well, that's just swell."
Enough was enough, Charles took off his cape and folded it, laying it across the basket. He'd put it back on when he got outside, he was NOT walking all the way back through the haus like that. Once was more than enough.
He paused, really tempted to just call this whole thing off.... But that wasn't an option since Nathan's phone was right there on the nightstand. So he would go out in the forest, in a disguise, carrying food...
He would probably be ironically eaten by yard wolves before he managed to somehow locate Nathan.
Picking up the basket, Charles left Nathan's room, bound and determined to get this over with. The afternoon was waning and he sure as hell didn't want to be prowling around in the forest in the dark.
Surprisingly, the only one he encountered on his way out was Toki, who was busy punching one of the couch cushions and swearing loudly. He tried to walk through the rec room without stopping, but some strange parental urge stopped him just as he was about to leave.
He sighed and turned around. "All right, what's wrong, Toki?"
"Skwisgaar's beings a mean, jerk-tits-ass-dildos to me agains!" Toki replied, pounding the cushion once more. "He say I's dressings up likes a lady and runnings around screamings likes a dildos, but I ain't does nothin' but be in my rooms all days! I's gonna punches him ins da face, but I comes in heres and punches da couch, insteads."
Well, at least Toki was showing some restraint. "Well, that's good that you didn't hit him. I'll talk to Skwisgaar later on your behalf." There. Managerial/fatherly thing done, Charles turned to leave.
"Ams dat pies I smells?"
Crap. Toki's unerring sense of sweet treats detected the pie in Charles's basket. It was no use lying to him, Toki would only put on the sad puppy face, and Charles did not have the time to deal with it right now. "Yes, it is a pie, Toki. But it's for Nathan, not for you."
"Oh." His whiskers seemed to droop as the corners of his mouth turned downwards. The sad puppy face was going to come out regardless unless Charles thought of something quick.
There was no time for this! "Hold on, Toki, I'll fix everything." Charles pulled out his dethphone and speed dialed Skwisgaar.
"Ja, what ams you wantsing, Butlers?"
"The red screamer has been apprehended. It wasn't Toki, just... ah, a minor security breach."
"I t'ought it was dat dildos, but okays, dats good to knows." He hung up without another word.
Charles called the kitchen next. "Jean-Pierre? I'm sending Toki down for a piece of pie, he's only allowed one. Don't let him try to tell you otherwise."
Toki was scowling. One piece? That wasn't fair! Charles just put his phone away and picked up his basket. "Well, go get it before it gets cold."
Toki went, some pie was always better than none. And maybe he could talk the chef into more...
Crises averted, Charles hurried on his way. He was surely already late, and still had no clue exactly where to meet Nathan.
At last Charles managed to make it outside without further incident. He made a beeline for the picnic table and set his basket down. He scanned the edge of the forest as he donned the hooded red cloak once more. Still no sign of Nathan. But, there was a pathway that led off into the verdant green. It seemed the best option to take so Charles picked up the basket and made his way down the leaf-littered path.
Even though he couldn't see the great 'Haus through the trees, Charles had a very good sense of direction and could find his way back home easily if need be. In fact, if he didn't meet up with Nathan in the next half hour, he was going to head back and call the evening a wash. Nathan will just have to make it up to him later.
He was so distracted by imagining all the different ways Nathan could make it up to him, he didn't see the yardwolf until it stepped right onto the path. It was a scraggly thing, more than likely one of the omega wolves that was either cast out of the pack or searching for something the pack could take down and eat.
Charles wasn't afraid; he knew better than to run like a prey animal. He had a handheld taser on him so he could probably incapacitate the beast long enough for him to get away. That is, as long as it didn't call the rest of the pack first.
He stood his ground, and so did the wolf. Stalemate.
~~~~~~~~~~
INTERMISSION
[enter Cardinal Ravenwood, deceased. Stage right]
Quis timet lupum malum,
lupum malum, lupum malum?
Quis timet lupum malum
Tra la la la la!
[exit Cardinal Ravenwood, deceased. Stage left]
END INTERMISSION
~~~~~~~~~~
When he'd come out here to meet the Big Bad Wolf, this wasn't quite what he'd had in mind. The wolves were trained not to harm Dethklok, but that protection didn't extend to employees. Look at what had happened to Twinkletits... Charles was pretty attached to his current arms. Literally and figuratively.
The cape; Nathan had given him this cape. Maybe it had enough of his scent left on it to protect him? Was that why the wolf hadn't attacked yet? It was still staring at him, and now it licked its chops. Not a good sign at all. Charles really hoped Nathan would pop out of the bushes and save him, but for all he knew Nathan might be on the other side of Mordhaus.
There was a rustle in the brush, something else was out there. Nathan? More wolves? Something even worse? Grasping his taser and... What was the deadliest thing he had in the basket? A sterling pie server? ...and the pie server, Charles stood his ground and waited.
From the underbrush came a very deep rolling growl that made Charles's hair stand on end. Had the boys smuggled in a bear and neglected to tell him? Wouldn't be the first time they did something like that, and probably wouldn't be the last. He eyed his taser and pie server, knowing it wouldn't really do jack to a bear. The best he could hope for would be to try and distract him with the pie and hope that the bear had a sweet tooth.
But what stepped out onto the path wasn't a bear at all; it was a very large man sporting wolf ears on his head and a bushy tail poking out the back of his pants! The classic jeans and t-shirt, boots and long glossy black hair could only belong to one Nathan Explosion!
Ignoring Charles for the moment, Nathan faced the wolf and let loose with the most hellish roar nature had ever heard. The wolf knew better than to tangle with this particular alpha male and beat a hasty retreat from whence it came. Red eyes faded back to green as Nathan turned to face Charles, a smug grin breaking out all over his face. "Hey, Red. Whatcha doing out here in the woods by yourself? Looking for Grandma's house?"
"Both my grandmothers have been dead since the 80's," Charles repiled without thinking. That wasn't how the story went! "Ah, I have booze and pie?" That wasn't how the story went either, but close enough. Now that he knew it had come from Nathan, that roar was kind of sexy.
"Booze and pie? THAT'S AWESOME! I mean, I like booze and pie. I should like, drag you back to my den now." Nathan grinned. Charles didn't need to know that his "den" was the old treehouse that Toki had built a couple years ago and then lost interest in. "Come with me, Red." Nathan laughed, "Damn I feel like I'm talking to Pickles every time I say that! Come on, Charles."
"Well, it wouldn't be the first time I've been mistaken for someone else today," Charles commented.
Nathan snorted in amusement, taking Charles's hand. "I can't wait to hear this story," he said, tugging Charles along the path.
"Well, it's going to wait until we've had some pie, at least," retorted Charles. "I would, however, suggest that we keep the costumes confined to the bedroom. I'd feel better about that."
"Aw, you're no fun."
They both stopped at the bottom of a huge tree that was just off the path. Following Nathan's gaze upwards, Charles took in Toki's spacious treehouse. This was no ram-shackle affair that would normally be seen in backyards everywhere, this treehouse was well-built and solid. Charles couldn't help but think that Toki might have made a good carpenter had fate not pushed him into a band. "I had no idea that Toki could build something like this. I knew he made models, but beyond that..."
Nathan shrugged. "He's doing stuff like this all the time. When his cat died, he built him a scar-- sar...coffin...thingie to bury him in." They weren't here to talk about the rhythm guitarist, or any other guitarist for that matter. "Hey. Hey. Wanna spend the night? I brought sleeping bags. And I even zipped them together," he added with a waggling of eyebrows.
"You've thought of everything, haven't you?" Charles eyed the treehouse once more. "It seems safe enough."
Reaching out, Nathan drew his lover close. "You know I'll always keep you safe, Charles."
Looking into those green eyes, so full of love and devotion, Charles couldn't help but believe every word.
THE END
Crossposted to brutalbusiness
Authors: zsomeone and nugatorytm
Rating: Pretty tame
Characters/pairing: Nathan/Charles, the rest of the band make a cameo
Summary: Nathan wanted him to do what?
Notes: For Nathan and Charles month, pirateking42 made a couple of pictures with her CFO and Nathan figures. Once you see them, you'll know what's going on. In case you haven't seen them:
CFO: http://brutalbusiness.livejournal.com/448006.html
Nathan: http://brutalbusiness.livejournal.com/448860.html
CFO and Nathan: http://brutalbusiness.livejournal.com/449265.html
For Pirate.
One night CFO Red Tie and Hood was walking through Mordhaus to bring his lead singer booze and pie...when, upon rounding a corner, he met up with a most unsavory character. "Hey, what's yerrrrrrrr name?" the most unsavory character asked.
CFO Red Tie and Hood surveyed the swaying pile of faux fur. "Pickles, for the last time, we're not doing that furry endorsement. Now step aside, I must bring Nathan his booze and pie."
Pickles hung his head, disappointed. "Creap, now I gotta tell Toki dat we're naht doin' it, n' he's gonna cry. Way ta go dere, Charlie...disappointin' people..." His nimble fingers plucked a beer from the basket before staggering off down the hall, no doubt on his way to deliver the bad news to Toki.
Charles sighed, he'd deal with them later. Hopefully he could make it to Nathan's room without further interruptions, it would be best if not too many people saw him walking around dressed this way. Last week when Nathan had proposed costumes and roleplay, this really hadn't been what he expected.
Unfortunately, luck was not with him today, for as he made his way down another hallway, there came from behind him a distinctive Swedish voice with a butchered English accent:
"Well, hellos dere, pretties lady. What ams you doings all wanderings around dis place by yourselfs, ah?"
The sultry voice was accompanied by a sultry riff on his ever-present guitar. Was Skwisgaar trying to seduce him? Was he that blind, even from the back? Well, the cloak did tend to cover up a lot.
Oh great, there were only two options as Charles saw it. He pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. A) He could turn and correct this mistake, which would involve explaining why he was walking around in a fucking cape, not something he really wanted to get into; or B) He could scream like a girl and run away, letting Skwisgaar keep assuming he was just some chick. Skwisgaar probably wouldn't chase him.
Undignified or even less dignified. With a sigh, Charles filled his lungs and let out a shriek worthy of Jamie Lee Curtis as he fled down the hallway, leaving a startled Skwisgaar standing there in shock.
The ruse worked so well, Charles decided to keep screaming and running until he got a good distance between the two of them, not trusting Skwisgaar to come running after him once the shock wore off. What Charles didn't bet on was colliding with Murderface, who had stepped out of one of the bathrooms to see what all the fuss was about.
He bounced off of William's prodigious paunch and landed on his ass, and only by curling himself around the picnic basket did he save the contents from being dashed to the floor and destroyed.
The stench that followed the bassist out the bathroom door rendered Charles speechless even more effectively than the impact had. Desperately he grabbed a handful of his cape and pressed it to his face in a poor attempt to filter the air. However could he get out of this one?
To his great surprise, Murderface offered a hand and helped him up. "Sssch... don't schay a word. I'm going to pretend I didn't schee thisch."
Saved by Murderface's homophobia! Charles hurried away from the reeking bathroom and continued on. Nathan better fucking make all this worth it.
At last his goal was in sight: Nathan's bedroom. Charles didn't even bother to knock, he burst through the door and slammed it behind him. As he leaned against the solid wood, he expected Nathan to come up from behind and wrap those beefy arms around his waist, as he was wont to do.
But when no hug came and the only sound was Charles's own panting, he turned and looked around.
The bedroom was empty.
"Nathan?"
A quick check of the bathroom showed that it was empty too.
To say that Charles was annoyed was an understatement. He'd gone to all that trouble at Nathan's request and the lead singer had the balls to forget??!
Suddenly, he spied Nathan's lyric journal lying open on his nightstand. In bold letters that took up a full page was the message:
Hey Red,
Meet me in the forest.
Big Bad
Charles pinched the bridge of his nose. "Well, that's just swell."
Enough was enough, Charles took off his cape and folded it, laying it across the basket. He'd put it back on when he got outside, he was NOT walking all the way back through the haus like that. Once was more than enough.
He paused, really tempted to just call this whole thing off.... But that wasn't an option since Nathan's phone was right there on the nightstand. So he would go out in the forest, in a disguise, carrying food...
He would probably be ironically eaten by yard wolves before he managed to somehow locate Nathan.
Picking up the basket, Charles left Nathan's room, bound and determined to get this over with. The afternoon was waning and he sure as hell didn't want to be prowling around in the forest in the dark.
Surprisingly, the only one he encountered on his way out was Toki, who was busy punching one of the couch cushions and swearing loudly. He tried to walk through the rec room without stopping, but some strange parental urge stopped him just as he was about to leave.
He sighed and turned around. "All right, what's wrong, Toki?"
"Skwisgaar's beings a mean, jerk-tits-ass-dildos to me agains!" Toki replied, pounding the cushion once more. "He say I's dressings up likes a lady and runnings around screamings likes a dildos, but I ain't does nothin' but be in my rooms all days! I's gonna punches him ins da face, but I comes in heres and punches da couch, insteads."
Well, at least Toki was showing some restraint. "Well, that's good that you didn't hit him. I'll talk to Skwisgaar later on your behalf." There. Managerial/fatherly thing done, Charles turned to leave.
"Ams dat pies I smells?"
Crap. Toki's unerring sense of sweet treats detected the pie in Charles's basket. It was no use lying to him, Toki would only put on the sad puppy face, and Charles did not have the time to deal with it right now. "Yes, it is a pie, Toki. But it's for Nathan, not for you."
"Oh." His whiskers seemed to droop as the corners of his mouth turned downwards. The sad puppy face was going to come out regardless unless Charles thought of something quick.
There was no time for this! "Hold on, Toki, I'll fix everything." Charles pulled out his dethphone and speed dialed Skwisgaar.
"Ja, what ams you wantsing, Butlers?"
"The red screamer has been apprehended. It wasn't Toki, just... ah, a minor security breach."
"I t'ought it was dat dildos, but okays, dats good to knows." He hung up without another word.
Charles called the kitchen next. "Jean-Pierre? I'm sending Toki down for a piece of pie, he's only allowed one. Don't let him try to tell you otherwise."
Toki was scowling. One piece? That wasn't fair! Charles just put his phone away and picked up his basket. "Well, go get it before it gets cold."
Toki went, some pie was always better than none. And maybe he could talk the chef into more...
Crises averted, Charles hurried on his way. He was surely already late, and still had no clue exactly where to meet Nathan.
At last Charles managed to make it outside without further incident. He made a beeline for the picnic table and set his basket down. He scanned the edge of the forest as he donned the hooded red cloak once more. Still no sign of Nathan. But, there was a pathway that led off into the verdant green. It seemed the best option to take so Charles picked up the basket and made his way down the leaf-littered path.
Even though he couldn't see the great 'Haus through the trees, Charles had a very good sense of direction and could find his way back home easily if need be. In fact, if he didn't meet up with Nathan in the next half hour, he was going to head back and call the evening a wash. Nathan will just have to make it up to him later.
He was so distracted by imagining all the different ways Nathan could make it up to him, he didn't see the yardwolf until it stepped right onto the path. It was a scraggly thing, more than likely one of the omega wolves that was either cast out of the pack or searching for something the pack could take down and eat.
Charles wasn't afraid; he knew better than to run like a prey animal. He had a handheld taser on him so he could probably incapacitate the beast long enough for him to get away. That is, as long as it didn't call the rest of the pack first.
He stood his ground, and so did the wolf. Stalemate.
~~~~~~~~~~
INTERMISSION
[enter Cardinal Ravenwood, deceased. Stage right]
Quis timet lupum malum,
lupum malum, lupum malum?
Quis timet lupum malum
Tra la la la la!
[exit Cardinal Ravenwood, deceased. Stage left]
END INTERMISSION
~~~~~~~~~~
When he'd come out here to meet the Big Bad Wolf, this wasn't quite what he'd had in mind. The wolves were trained not to harm Dethklok, but that protection didn't extend to employees. Look at what had happened to Twinkletits... Charles was pretty attached to his current arms. Literally and figuratively.
The cape; Nathan had given him this cape. Maybe it had enough of his scent left on it to protect him? Was that why the wolf hadn't attacked yet? It was still staring at him, and now it licked its chops. Not a good sign at all. Charles really hoped Nathan would pop out of the bushes and save him, but for all he knew Nathan might be on the other side of Mordhaus.
There was a rustle in the brush, something else was out there. Nathan? More wolves? Something even worse? Grasping his taser and... What was the deadliest thing he had in the basket? A sterling pie server? ...and the pie server, Charles stood his ground and waited.
From the underbrush came a very deep rolling growl that made Charles's hair stand on end. Had the boys smuggled in a bear and neglected to tell him? Wouldn't be the first time they did something like that, and probably wouldn't be the last. He eyed his taser and pie server, knowing it wouldn't really do jack to a bear. The best he could hope for would be to try and distract him with the pie and hope that the bear had a sweet tooth.
But what stepped out onto the path wasn't a bear at all; it was a very large man sporting wolf ears on his head and a bushy tail poking out the back of his pants! The classic jeans and t-shirt, boots and long glossy black hair could only belong to one Nathan Explosion!
Ignoring Charles for the moment, Nathan faced the wolf and let loose with the most hellish roar nature had ever heard. The wolf knew better than to tangle with this particular alpha male and beat a hasty retreat from whence it came. Red eyes faded back to green as Nathan turned to face Charles, a smug grin breaking out all over his face. "Hey, Red. Whatcha doing out here in the woods by yourself? Looking for Grandma's house?"
"Both my grandmothers have been dead since the 80's," Charles repiled without thinking. That wasn't how the story went! "Ah, I have booze and pie?" That wasn't how the story went either, but close enough. Now that he knew it had come from Nathan, that roar was kind of sexy.
"Booze and pie? THAT'S AWESOME! I mean, I like booze and pie. I should like, drag you back to my den now." Nathan grinned. Charles didn't need to know that his "den" was the old treehouse that Toki had built a couple years ago and then lost interest in. "Come with me, Red." Nathan laughed, "Damn I feel like I'm talking to Pickles every time I say that! Come on, Charles."
"Well, it wouldn't be the first time I've been mistaken for someone else today," Charles commented.
Nathan snorted in amusement, taking Charles's hand. "I can't wait to hear this story," he said, tugging Charles along the path.
"Well, it's going to wait until we've had some pie, at least," retorted Charles. "I would, however, suggest that we keep the costumes confined to the bedroom. I'd feel better about that."
"Aw, you're no fun."
They both stopped at the bottom of a huge tree that was just off the path. Following Nathan's gaze upwards, Charles took in Toki's spacious treehouse. This was no ram-shackle affair that would normally be seen in backyards everywhere, this treehouse was well-built and solid. Charles couldn't help but think that Toki might have made a good carpenter had fate not pushed him into a band. "I had no idea that Toki could build something like this. I knew he made models, but beyond that..."
Nathan shrugged. "He's doing stuff like this all the time. When his cat died, he built him a scar-- sar...coffin...thingie to bury him in." They weren't here to talk about the rhythm guitarist, or any other guitarist for that matter. "Hey. Hey. Wanna spend the night? I brought sleeping bags. And I even zipped them together," he added with a waggling of eyebrows.
"You've thought of everything, haven't you?" Charles eyed the treehouse once more. "It seems safe enough."
Reaching out, Nathan drew his lover close. "You know I'll always keep you safe, Charles."
Looking into those green eyes, so full of love and devotion, Charles couldn't help but believe every word.
THE END
Crossposted to brutalbusiness