BEHIND THE SCENES
I'M A SHITTY WRITER BUT HAD TO DO THIS.
BEHIND THE SCENES
HALF A CRACKFIC BY CEZARIA
GENRE: HUMOUR/ROMANCE/SATIRE
RATING: G
PAIRING: ULQUIHIME WITH IMPLIED ICHIRUKI AND...HANATAROU/MOMO?
"NO WAY..."
THROUGH THE BILLOWING DUST, ISHIDA AND ORIHIME STARED IN HORROR AT THE HORNED FORM THAT STOOD IN MID-AIR BEFORE THEM.THE LONG ORANGE HAIR THAT PROTRUDED FROM THE MASK WHIPPED LIKE A FURIOUS MANE. HOLES IN THE PLACE OF EYES STARED BACK AT THEM, SEEING NOTHING AT ALL. DANGLING BY ITS RIGHT HAND WAS A SEVERED LIMB DRIPPING FRESH BLOOD.
"IS THAT REALLY...KUROSAKI?"
"CUT!"
THE MAN SITTING IN A FOLDING CHAIR COUGHED AND SHOUTED. HE LOOKED TO BE IN HIS THIRTIES, WITH A PLUMP FIGURE AND A HEAVY-LOOKING BRACELET ON HIS LEFT WRIST. THE MAN’S NAME WAS KUBO TITE, THE DIRECTOR OF THE HIGHLY POPULAR TV SHOW “BLEACH” ON CHANNEL JUMP. HE HAD BEEN CALLED ANYTHING FROM A GENIUS TO A SADISTIC BASTARD, WHICH IS POSSIBLY THE REASON FOR BLEACH’S POPULARITY AMONGST JUMP’S VIEWERS.
"GOOD JOB EVERYONE, THAT’S ALL FOR TODAY!" WITH THAT, KUBO GOT UP, THE WORD "DIRECTOR" CAN BE SEEN ON THE NEWLY REVEALED BACKREST OF HIS CHAIR. CAMERAMEN AND BACKSTAGE WORKERS BEGAN BUSTLING ABOUT THE SET, BLOWING AWAY THE DUST AND TAKING DOWN FILMING EQUIPMENT WITH COMPLIMENTS OF "GOOD WORK, GUYS!" IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
KUROSAKI ICHIGO WAS GETTING HELP FROM A FEW MAKEUP ARTISTS TAKING OFF HIS MASK. HE CAN'T EVEN BREATHE PROPERLY IN THERE AND SUSPECTED HE WOULD SOUND LIKE A CERTAIN VILLAIN FROM A CERTAIN OLD SCI-FI FILM IF HE TRIED TO SPEAK. HE SHALL TEST IT OUT NEXT EPISODE. ISHIDA WAS BUSY DIVESTING HIMSELF OF HIS "BLEEDING LIMB", IT WAS EASY FOR HIM SINCE WITH HIS CAPE AND ALL THAT DUST, NO ONE COULD SEE THAT HIS GOOD HAND WAS FIXED CLOSE TO HIS BODY AND BEHIND HIS BACK ALL THE TIME. IT CUT SOME BUDGET ON THE SPECIAL EFFECTS.
"ULQUIORRA!"
INOUE ORIHIME, WHO WAS NOT "MAIMED" AND NOT MADE UP IN SOME MONSTROUS WAY CAME RUNNING UP TO THE ONLY OTHER ACTOR ON THE STAGE AND SCREECHED TO A HALT BEFORE SHE KNOCKED HIS FRAIL FORM OVER.
"WATCH IT, THE WINGS ARE HEAVY." ULQUIORRA WARNED, SOME WORKERS CAME UP TO HELP HIM TAKE SAID PROPS OFF. ORIHIME TOOK THE COTTON WADS AND MAKE-UP REMOVER, THEN PROCEEDE TO WIPE AWAY THE DARK LINES ON ULQUIORRA'S FACE.
"YOU LOOK TERRIFYING." SHE REMARKED CHEERILY AFTER DABBING FOR A FEW SECONDS. IT WAS TRUE, HE LOOKED LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A VERY BAD HORROR FILM.
"I'M GUESSING YOU ENJOY THIS."
"YES." ORIHIME GRINNED MISCHIEVOUSLY AND DREW A SWIRL WITH THE FACEPAINT AND GIGGLED AT THE EFFECTS. ULQUIORRA INDULGED HER, LIKE HE ALWAYS DID.
"HEY, NICE WORK TODAY GUYS--WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE CIFER?!"
KUROSAKI, WHO HAD FINISHED BEING EXCAVATED FROM HIS MASK, CAME UP TO THE DUO WITH ISHIDA BEHIND HIM. APPARENTLY, HE SAW THE MASTERPIECE ORIHIME WROUGHT, AND CUATRO ESPADA'S ACTOR SUPPRESSED AN URGE TO FACEPALM. KUROSAKI GOT ON HIS NERVES, WHETHER IT WAS ON-SET OR OFF-SET. ULQUIORRA DIDN'T KNOW IF KUROSAKI WAS REALLY THAT ANNOYING TO HIM OR DELIBERATELY SO BECAUSE OF THE CHARACTER HE PORTRAYS. DIRECTOR KUBO KNEW HOW TO CAST HIS ACTORS, THEY SHARED EVEN THE SAME KIND OF RELATIONSHIP IN REAL LIFE. EXCEPT FOR MAYBE SOME MINOR DETAILS.
"LIKE MY ARTWORK, KUROSAKI-KUUUN?" ORIHIME EMPHASIZED THE HONORIFIC FOR GOOD MEASURE, AND ALL THREE MEN SHUDDERED.
"NEVER. SAY. THAT. OUTSIDE. THE. SET. AGAIN." KUROSAKI REVERTED TO HIS SERIOUS SELF AND REPRIMANDED THE GIRL, WHO GRINNED.
"I WISH DIRECTOR KUBO COULD GIVE ME BETTER LINES." ORIHIME MADE A FACE. "MY CHARACTER'S SO HATED I'M ALMOST AFRAID I'D GET ASSAULTED ON THE STREETS."
"I GET STABBED IN THE GUTS LATER ON JUST AS I WAS STARTING TO LOOK COOL." ISHIDA PIPED UP, REMORSEFUL AT HIS CHARACTER’S IMMINENT FATE. THE OTHERS ALL GAVE HIM SYMPATHETIC LOOKS.
"I DIE." ULQUIORRA STATED BLANDLY, EARNING LOOKS WITH EVEN MORE SYMPATHY. ORIHIME SEEMED TO BE ON THE VERGE OF TEARS WITH THIS IDEA. SHE HAD CRIED HERSELF INTO A MESS WHEN SHE READ THE SCRIPT TO THAT EPISODE, UNTIL ULQUIORRA CONVINCED HER HE'LL JUST PRETEND TO DIE ON THE SET, AND THAT HE WASN’T REALLY GOING TO DIE. THE GIRL CAN GET SO SENTIMENTAL SOMETIMES.
"THINK OF IT THIS WAY." SAID KUROSAKI, "AT LEAST IT'S NOT AS BORING AS HAVING THE HUGE HOLE IN YOUR CHEST HEALED BY YOUR OWN HAIR. RIGHT?"
EVERYONE GAVE HIM BLANK STARES. ONLY KUROSAKI WOULD FIND ENDLESS POWER-UPS THAT CAME FROM NOWHERE "BORING". ISHIDA NEARLY WANTED TO CRY.
"AND THEN WE'RE OFF THE SET FOR HELL KNOWS HOW LONG." KUROSAKI CONTINUED, NOT NOTICING. HE IS THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISN'T HE?
"DIRECTOR KUBO HATES US." ULQUIORRA CAME TO THE CONCLUSION ON EVERYONE’S MINDS, BEING THE COMFORTING PERSON HE ALWAYS WAS.
THERE WAS REVERENT SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS AS THEY CONSIDERED THE FATE OF THEIR RESPECTIVE CHARACTERS, AND WHAT THEY SHOULD DO IN THE MONTHS OF UNEMPLOYMENT TO COME.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AFTER THEY HAD ALL GOTTEN CLEANED UP AND CHANGED INTO CASUAL CLOTHES. KUROSAKI AND ISHIDA HIT OFF TO THE NEAREST KARAOKE TO SING THEIR SORROWS OUT OVER A MANLY BONDING NIGHT. USUALLY KUCHIKI WOULD SHOW UP AT THE END OF THEIR FILMING SESSION TO WALK KUROSAKI HOME (YES, EVEN THOUGH HE SEEMS POPULAR WITH THE LADIES, HE'S QUITE THE LOYAL BOYFRIEND, AND IS SCARED OF THE DARK), BUT SHE COULDN'T COME TODAY DUE TO HER TWIN BROTHER HANATAROU'S SUDDEN PANIC ATTACK OVER A DATE WITH HINAMORI MOMO. KUCHIKI HAD TO STEALTH-FOLLOW HER BROTHER ON HIS DATE TO MAKE SURE NOTHING GOES TERRIBLY WRONG. IT WAS A FRIDAY NIGHT.
THE REDHEADED INOUE ORIHIME WAS WALKING HOME WITH ULQUIORRA CIFER, AN ARRANGEMENT THAT SOMEHOW CAME TO BE IN THEIR YEARS OF WORKING TOGETHER. OF COURSE, THEY WERE IN FACT FRIENDS IN REAL LIFE. BUT FANS HAVE LITTLE IDEA THAT THEY WERE ALSO A LITTLE CLOSER THAN THAT.
HE WAS READING THE SCRIPT AGAIN AND MULLING TO HIMSELF. DIRECTOR KUBO ALWAYS TOLD HIM IT WAS MANDATORY HIS CHARACTER REMAINED STOIC AT ALL TIMES (YES, EVEN WHEN ORIHIME MADE FACES IN THE BACKGROUND), SO HE HAD TRAINED HIMSELF UNTIL HE WAS A WALKING REPRESENTATION OF HIS CHARACTER. NOT THAT IT ANNOYED ORIHIME. ULQUIORRA HAD NEVER BEEN AN EMOTIVE TYPE OF GUY.
"...AND THEN KUROSAKI SAID HE HAD PLASTER UP ONE OF HIS NOSTRILS AND NEARLY SNEEZED THE MASK OPEN. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? WOULDN'T THAT BE BETTER THAN YOU CUTTING OFF HIS HORN...ARE YOU LISTENING?"
"NO." ULQUIORRA REPLIED BLUNTLY, EYES NOT LEAVING THE SCRIPT "I HEARD 'KUROSAKI', THEN, WHITE NOISE." *
ORIHIME KNEW KUROSAKI DID NOT BODE WELL WITH ULQUIORRA, FOR SOME REASON, THEY NEVER CLICKED BOTH IN THE SHOW AND OUT OF THE SHOW. BUT KUROSAKI WAS EITHER TOO NICE OR TOO OBTUSE TO NOTICE. SHE DECIDED TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT. "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"
"SCRIPT FOR THE NEXT EPISODES."
"I SAW YOUR BODY IN THE PROPS DEPARTMENT, LOOKS PRETTY GRUESOME."
"THANKS. I DON'T EVEN NEED TO BE THERE."
"OH BUT YOU DO HAVE TO BE THERE FOR THE HAND REACH SCENE. ISN'T IT SO ROMANTIC?" ORIHIME GUSHED AND CLASPED HER HANDS TOGETHER IN THAT DISTINCTIVELY GIRLISH WAY AND TWIRLED AROUND, "I KNOW THE FANS WOULD FIND IT ROMANTIC. DIRECTOR KUBO WANTED THAT SCENE NOTHING SHORT OF PERFECT BECAUSE HE SEEMS TO BE FOND OF IT. I WONDER IF THE FANS WOULD START PAIRING TV ME UP WITH TV YOU MORE AFTER THAT.”
"HOW INAPPROPRIATE OF YOU, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HOPELESSLY IN LOVE WITH KUROSAKI AND FINALLY END UP WITH HIM." ULQUIORRA STATED AS MATTER-OF-FACTLY AS HE CAN.
"AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FIND ME INCREDIBLY INTERESTING." ORIHIME POUTED.
"NO, I DO EVERYTHING FOR AIZEN-SAMA. YOU HAVE NO IDEA."
"ISN'T HE A GOOD FRIEND OF DIRECTOR KUBO'S?” ORIHIME PONDERED, “THEY GO OUT DRINKING SOMETIMES. OR SO I HEARD ISHIDA SAY."
"AND PROBABLY PLOT THE DEMISE OF EVERY OTHER CHARACTER IN THE SHOW WHILE DRUNK." ULQUIORRA REMARKED DRYLY AND WITH THE SLIGHTEST TINGE OF BITTERNESS.
"EXCEPT KUROSAKI. HE'S THE HERO."
ULQUIORRA WINCED. "...I WISH I NEVER AGREED TO ACT IN THIS TRASHY SHOW."
OF COURSE, HE DIDN'T MEAN IT. NOT WHEN HE MET THIS GIRL THROUGH HIS JOB A FEW YEARS AGO.
"ULQUIORRA," ORIHIME PAUSED AND SIGHED, "YOU REALLY DON'T NEED TO BE SO...IN CHARACTER ALL THE TIME." SHE SAID IT AS IF IT WAS A BAD THING. AND ULQUIORRA WONDERED WHAT THE FANFICTION WRITERS WOULD SAY ABOUT THAT.
"WITH YOUR YABBERING ABOUT KUROSAKI ALL DAY, I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU WERE ANYONE ELSE BUT THE INOUE ORIHIME ON THE TV SHOW."
"HA! IS THAT SO?" ORIHIME STEPPED IN FRONT OF HIM AND TURNED SO SHE COULD FACE THE ACTOR OF CUATRO ESPADA SQUARELY, "I GUESS YOU WON'T COMPLAIN IF I MAKE YOU FRIED NOODLES WITH CRANBERRIES IN WASABI AND CHEDDAR CHEESE FOR LUNCH TOMORROW, WOULD YOU?"
"...YOU DON'T NEED TO BE SO IN CHARACTER EITHER, WOMAN."
"I'M NOT IN CHARACTER AT ALL! FIRSTLY, MY VOCABULARY DOESN'T CONSIST OF KUROSAKI-KUN." SHE TICKED IT OFF ON HER INDEX FINGER. "SECOND..."
THE ORANGE-HAIRED GIRL HOPPED TO ULQUIORRA'S SIDE AND TOOK HIS FREE HAND OUT OF HIS POCKET. HER SOFT, WARM FINGERS SLID IN BETWEEN HIS OWN UNTIL THEIR HANDS WERE LOCKED IN A WAY HE'D SEEN TOO MANY YOUNG COUPLES DEMONSTRATE. "I WOULDN'T BE DOING THIS WILLINGLY, WOULD I?"
ULQUIORRA FLUSHED, AND QUICKLY TURNED HIS HEAD TO HIDE IT.
"...BUT, YOU WILL BE DOING THIS WILLINGLY LATER..."
"OH. YOU JUST NEVER STOP COMPLAINING."
BECAUSE I NEVER GET TO HOLD YOU LIKE THIS IN THE SHOW. "I WAS ONLY BEING HONEST."
SUUUURE YOU ARE, ORIHIME THOUGHT. YOU’VE BEEN NOTHING SHORT OF IN-CHARACTER EVER SINCE I MET YOU YEARS AGO. AND THE ULQUIORRA ON THE SHOW WAS NEVER HONEST ABOUT HIMSELF.
BUT SHE DID NOT QUESTION FURTHER. SHE DID NOT LET GO OF HIS HAND, EITHER.
"SO, WHAT SHOULD WE DO ON THE INDEFINITE HIATUS?" THE GIRL ASKED AS SHE SWUNG THEIR CLASPED HANDS FORWARD.
"........."
"SOUNDS LIKE FUN."
=END=
* BORROWED FROM SCRUBS AND DR. COX
BEHIND THE SCENES
HALF A CRACKFIC BY CEZARIA
GENRE: HUMOUR/ROMANCE/SATIRE
RATING: G
PAIRING: ULQUIHIME WITH IMPLIED ICHIRUKI AND...HANATAROU/MOMO?
"NO WAY..."
THROUGH THE BILLOWING DUST, ISHIDA AND ORIHIME STARED IN HORROR AT THE HORNED FORM THAT STOOD IN MID-AIR BEFORE THEM.THE LONG ORANGE HAIR THAT PROTRUDED FROM THE MASK WHIPPED LIKE A FURIOUS MANE. HOLES IN THE PLACE OF EYES STARED BACK AT THEM, SEEING NOTHING AT ALL. DANGLING BY ITS RIGHT HAND WAS A SEVERED LIMB DRIPPING FRESH BLOOD.
"IS THAT REALLY...KUROSAKI?"
"CUT!"
THE MAN SITTING IN A FOLDING CHAIR COUGHED AND SHOUTED. HE LOOKED TO BE IN HIS THIRTIES, WITH A PLUMP FIGURE AND A HEAVY-LOOKING BRACELET ON HIS LEFT WRIST. THE MAN’S NAME WAS KUBO TITE, THE DIRECTOR OF THE HIGHLY POPULAR TV SHOW “BLEACH” ON CHANNEL JUMP. HE HAD BEEN CALLED ANYTHING FROM A GENIUS TO A SADISTIC BASTARD, WHICH IS POSSIBLY THE REASON FOR BLEACH’S POPULARITY AMONGST JUMP’S VIEWERS.
"GOOD JOB EVERYONE, THAT’S ALL FOR TODAY!" WITH THAT, KUBO GOT UP, THE WORD "DIRECTOR" CAN BE SEEN ON THE NEWLY REVEALED BACKREST OF HIS CHAIR. CAMERAMEN AND BACKSTAGE WORKERS BEGAN BUSTLING ABOUT THE SET, BLOWING AWAY THE DUST AND TAKING DOWN FILMING EQUIPMENT WITH COMPLIMENTS OF "GOOD WORK, GUYS!" IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
KUROSAKI ICHIGO WAS GETTING HELP FROM A FEW MAKEUP ARTISTS TAKING OFF HIS MASK. HE CAN'T EVEN BREATHE PROPERLY IN THERE AND SUSPECTED HE WOULD SOUND LIKE A CERTAIN VILLAIN FROM A CERTAIN OLD SCI-FI FILM IF HE TRIED TO SPEAK. HE SHALL TEST IT OUT NEXT EPISODE. ISHIDA WAS BUSY DIVESTING HIMSELF OF HIS "BLEEDING LIMB", IT WAS EASY FOR HIM SINCE WITH HIS CAPE AND ALL THAT DUST, NO ONE COULD SEE THAT HIS GOOD HAND WAS FIXED CLOSE TO HIS BODY AND BEHIND HIS BACK ALL THE TIME. IT CUT SOME BUDGET ON THE SPECIAL EFFECTS.
"ULQUIORRA!"
INOUE ORIHIME, WHO WAS NOT "MAIMED" AND NOT MADE UP IN SOME MONSTROUS WAY CAME RUNNING UP TO THE ONLY OTHER ACTOR ON THE STAGE AND SCREECHED TO A HALT BEFORE SHE KNOCKED HIS FRAIL FORM OVER.
"WATCH IT, THE WINGS ARE HEAVY." ULQUIORRA WARNED, SOME WORKERS CAME UP TO HELP HIM TAKE SAID PROPS OFF. ORIHIME TOOK THE COTTON WADS AND MAKE-UP REMOVER, THEN PROCEEDE TO WIPE AWAY THE DARK LINES ON ULQUIORRA'S FACE.
"YOU LOOK TERRIFYING." SHE REMARKED CHEERILY AFTER DABBING FOR A FEW SECONDS. IT WAS TRUE, HE LOOKED LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A VERY BAD HORROR FILM.
"I'M GUESSING YOU ENJOY THIS."
"YES." ORIHIME GRINNED MISCHIEVOUSLY AND DREW A SWIRL WITH THE FACEPAINT AND GIGGLED AT THE EFFECTS. ULQUIORRA INDULGED HER, LIKE HE ALWAYS DID.
"HEY, NICE WORK TODAY GUYS--WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE CIFER?!"
KUROSAKI, WHO HAD FINISHED BEING EXCAVATED FROM HIS MASK, CAME UP TO THE DUO WITH ISHIDA BEHIND HIM. APPARENTLY, HE SAW THE MASTERPIECE ORIHIME WROUGHT, AND CUATRO ESPADA'S ACTOR SUPPRESSED AN URGE TO FACEPALM. KUROSAKI GOT ON HIS NERVES, WHETHER IT WAS ON-SET OR OFF-SET. ULQUIORRA DIDN'T KNOW IF KUROSAKI WAS REALLY THAT ANNOYING TO HIM OR DELIBERATELY SO BECAUSE OF THE CHARACTER HE PORTRAYS. DIRECTOR KUBO KNEW HOW TO CAST HIS ACTORS, THEY SHARED EVEN THE SAME KIND OF RELATIONSHIP IN REAL LIFE. EXCEPT FOR MAYBE SOME MINOR DETAILS.
"LIKE MY ARTWORK, KUROSAKI-KUUUN?" ORIHIME EMPHASIZED THE HONORIFIC FOR GOOD MEASURE, AND ALL THREE MEN SHUDDERED.
"NEVER. SAY. THAT. OUTSIDE. THE. SET. AGAIN." KUROSAKI REVERTED TO HIS SERIOUS SELF AND REPRIMANDED THE GIRL, WHO GRINNED.
"I WISH DIRECTOR KUBO COULD GIVE ME BETTER LINES." ORIHIME MADE A FACE. "MY CHARACTER'S SO HATED I'M ALMOST AFRAID I'D GET ASSAULTED ON THE STREETS."
"I GET STABBED IN THE GUTS LATER ON JUST AS I WAS STARTING TO LOOK COOL." ISHIDA PIPED UP, REMORSEFUL AT HIS CHARACTER’S IMMINENT FATE. THE OTHERS ALL GAVE HIM SYMPATHETIC LOOKS.
"I DIE." ULQUIORRA STATED BLANDLY, EARNING LOOKS WITH EVEN MORE SYMPATHY. ORIHIME SEEMED TO BE ON THE VERGE OF TEARS WITH THIS IDEA. SHE HAD CRIED HERSELF INTO A MESS WHEN SHE READ THE SCRIPT TO THAT EPISODE, UNTIL ULQUIORRA CONVINCED HER HE'LL JUST PRETEND TO DIE ON THE SET, AND THAT HE WASN’T REALLY GOING TO DIE. THE GIRL CAN GET SO SENTIMENTAL SOMETIMES.
"THINK OF IT THIS WAY." SAID KUROSAKI, "AT LEAST IT'S NOT AS BORING AS HAVING THE HUGE HOLE IN YOUR CHEST HEALED BY YOUR OWN HAIR. RIGHT?"
EVERYONE GAVE HIM BLANK STARES. ONLY KUROSAKI WOULD FIND ENDLESS POWER-UPS THAT CAME FROM NOWHERE "BORING". ISHIDA NEARLY WANTED TO CRY.
"AND THEN WE'RE OFF THE SET FOR HELL KNOWS HOW LONG." KUROSAKI CONTINUED, NOT NOTICING. HE IS THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISN'T HE?
"DIRECTOR KUBO HATES US." ULQUIORRA CAME TO THE CONCLUSION ON EVERYONE’S MINDS, BEING THE COMFORTING PERSON HE ALWAYS WAS.
THERE WAS REVERENT SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS AS THEY CONSIDERED THE FATE OF THEIR RESPECTIVE CHARACTERS, AND WHAT THEY SHOULD DO IN THE MONTHS OF UNEMPLOYMENT TO COME.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AFTER THEY HAD ALL GOTTEN CLEANED UP AND CHANGED INTO CASUAL CLOTHES. KUROSAKI AND ISHIDA HIT OFF TO THE NEAREST KARAOKE TO SING THEIR SORROWS OUT OVER A MANLY BONDING NIGHT. USUALLY KUCHIKI WOULD SHOW UP AT THE END OF THEIR FILMING SESSION TO WALK KUROSAKI HOME (YES, EVEN THOUGH HE SEEMS POPULAR WITH THE LADIES, HE'S QUITE THE LOYAL BOYFRIEND, AND IS SCARED OF THE DARK), BUT SHE COULDN'T COME TODAY DUE TO HER TWIN BROTHER HANATAROU'S SUDDEN PANIC ATTACK OVER A DATE WITH HINAMORI MOMO. KUCHIKI HAD TO STEALTH-FOLLOW HER BROTHER ON HIS DATE TO MAKE SURE NOTHING GOES TERRIBLY WRONG. IT WAS A FRIDAY NIGHT.
THE REDHEADED INOUE ORIHIME WAS WALKING HOME WITH ULQUIORRA CIFER, AN ARRANGEMENT THAT SOMEHOW CAME TO BE IN THEIR YEARS OF WORKING TOGETHER. OF COURSE, THEY WERE IN FACT FRIENDS IN REAL LIFE. BUT FANS HAVE LITTLE IDEA THAT THEY WERE ALSO A LITTLE CLOSER THAN THAT.
HE WAS READING THE SCRIPT AGAIN AND MULLING TO HIMSELF. DIRECTOR KUBO ALWAYS TOLD HIM IT WAS MANDATORY HIS CHARACTER REMAINED STOIC AT ALL TIMES (YES, EVEN WHEN ORIHIME MADE FACES IN THE BACKGROUND), SO HE HAD TRAINED HIMSELF UNTIL HE WAS A WALKING REPRESENTATION OF HIS CHARACTER. NOT THAT IT ANNOYED ORIHIME. ULQUIORRA HAD NEVER BEEN AN EMOTIVE TYPE OF GUY.
"...AND THEN KUROSAKI SAID HE HAD PLASTER UP ONE OF HIS NOSTRILS AND NEARLY SNEEZED THE MASK OPEN. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? WOULDN'T THAT BE BETTER THAN YOU CUTTING OFF HIS HORN...ARE YOU LISTENING?"
"NO." ULQUIORRA REPLIED BLUNTLY, EYES NOT LEAVING THE SCRIPT "I HEARD 'KUROSAKI', THEN, WHITE NOISE." *
ORIHIME KNEW KUROSAKI DID NOT BODE WELL WITH ULQUIORRA, FOR SOME REASON, THEY NEVER CLICKED BOTH IN THE SHOW AND OUT OF THE SHOW. BUT KUROSAKI WAS EITHER TOO NICE OR TOO OBTUSE TO NOTICE. SHE DECIDED TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT. "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"
"SCRIPT FOR THE NEXT EPISODES."
"I SAW YOUR BODY IN THE PROPS DEPARTMENT, LOOKS PRETTY GRUESOME."
"THANKS. I DON'T EVEN NEED TO BE THERE."
"OH BUT YOU DO HAVE TO BE THERE FOR THE HAND REACH SCENE. ISN'T IT SO ROMANTIC?" ORIHIME GUSHED AND CLASPED HER HANDS TOGETHER IN THAT DISTINCTIVELY GIRLISH WAY AND TWIRLED AROUND, "I KNOW THE FANS WOULD FIND IT ROMANTIC. DIRECTOR KUBO WANTED THAT SCENE NOTHING SHORT OF PERFECT BECAUSE HE SEEMS TO BE FOND OF IT. I WONDER IF THE FANS WOULD START PAIRING TV ME UP WITH TV YOU MORE AFTER THAT.”
"HOW INAPPROPRIATE OF YOU, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HOPELESSLY IN LOVE WITH KUROSAKI AND FINALLY END UP WITH HIM." ULQUIORRA STATED AS MATTER-OF-FACTLY AS HE CAN.
"AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FIND ME INCREDIBLY INTERESTING." ORIHIME POUTED.
"NO, I DO EVERYTHING FOR AIZEN-SAMA. YOU HAVE NO IDEA."
"ISN'T HE A GOOD FRIEND OF DIRECTOR KUBO'S?” ORIHIME PONDERED, “THEY GO OUT DRINKING SOMETIMES. OR SO I HEARD ISHIDA SAY."
"AND PROBABLY PLOT THE DEMISE OF EVERY OTHER CHARACTER IN THE SHOW WHILE DRUNK." ULQUIORRA REMARKED DRYLY AND WITH THE SLIGHTEST TINGE OF BITTERNESS.
"EXCEPT KUROSAKI. HE'S THE HERO."
ULQUIORRA WINCED. "...I WISH I NEVER AGREED TO ACT IN THIS TRASHY SHOW."
OF COURSE, HE DIDN'T MEAN IT. NOT WHEN HE MET THIS GIRL THROUGH HIS JOB A FEW YEARS AGO.
"ULQUIORRA," ORIHIME PAUSED AND SIGHED, "YOU REALLY DON'T NEED TO BE SO...IN CHARACTER ALL THE TIME." SHE SAID IT AS IF IT WAS A BAD THING. AND ULQUIORRA WONDERED WHAT THE FANFICTION WRITERS WOULD SAY ABOUT THAT.
"WITH YOUR YABBERING ABOUT KUROSAKI ALL DAY, I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU WERE ANYONE ELSE BUT THE INOUE ORIHIME ON THE TV SHOW."
"HA! IS THAT SO?" ORIHIME STEPPED IN FRONT OF HIM AND TURNED SO SHE COULD FACE THE ACTOR OF CUATRO ESPADA SQUARELY, "I GUESS YOU WON'T COMPLAIN IF I MAKE YOU FRIED NOODLES WITH CRANBERRIES IN WASABI AND CHEDDAR CHEESE FOR LUNCH TOMORROW, WOULD YOU?"
"...YOU DON'T NEED TO BE SO IN CHARACTER EITHER, WOMAN."
"I'M NOT IN CHARACTER AT ALL! FIRSTLY, MY VOCABULARY DOESN'T CONSIST OF KUROSAKI-KUN." SHE TICKED IT OFF ON HER INDEX FINGER. "SECOND..."
THE ORANGE-HAIRED GIRL HOPPED TO ULQUIORRA'S SIDE AND TOOK HIS FREE HAND OUT OF HIS POCKET. HER SOFT, WARM FINGERS SLID IN BETWEEN HIS OWN UNTIL THEIR HANDS WERE LOCKED IN A WAY HE'D SEEN TOO MANY YOUNG COUPLES DEMONSTRATE. "I WOULDN'T BE DOING THIS WILLINGLY, WOULD I?"
ULQUIORRA FLUSHED, AND QUICKLY TURNED HIS HEAD TO HIDE IT.
"...BUT, YOU WILL BE DOING THIS WILLINGLY LATER..."
"OH. YOU JUST NEVER STOP COMPLAINING."
BECAUSE I NEVER GET TO HOLD YOU LIKE THIS IN THE SHOW. "I WAS ONLY BEING HONEST."
SUUUURE YOU ARE, ORIHIME THOUGHT. YOU’VE BEEN NOTHING SHORT OF IN-CHARACTER EVER SINCE I MET YOU YEARS AGO. AND THE ULQUIORRA ON THE SHOW WAS NEVER HONEST ABOUT HIMSELF.
BUT SHE DID NOT QUESTION FURTHER. SHE DID NOT LET GO OF HIS HAND, EITHER.
"SO, WHAT SHOULD WE DO ON THE INDEFINITE HIATUS?" THE GIRL ASKED AS SHE SWUNG THEIR CLASPED HANDS FORWARD.
"........."
"SOUNDS LIKE FUN."
=END=
* BORROWED FROM SCRUBS AND DR. COX