boys... air force... life
i need to write... im a mess lol, not totally, but man.. I am so tired of being miserable.. it sucks, like im known as the 'miserable' one now.. I want out of that, I need to be happy, I just wish I knew how to make myself happy and not depend on others to make me happy... how the hell do i just be happy.. how are people just happy with life?? I don't get it.. why cant I just... be happy? I am so entirely confused.. I mean.. i have a ton going on, but who doesent I guess? I just want so badly to be.. happy..
Boys.. oh how they grab our attention, and we cannot let them go for the life of us... I do love Ryan, I love him to death.. I care about him so much I just want to be by his side night and day.. I accidently found this card while I was looking for a birthday card.. and it had a picture of the cutest dog on it and it said on the front "If you werent already in my life" and then inside "I would follow you home and ask you to keep me" lol it was just adorable, and it reminded me of ryan and I... because its sorta how I feel.. like I'm always following him around because thats the only way I can get his attention. I know what you've all said, I can do better, I deserve someone who just automatically wants to do nice things for me and return my love without being asked... but what is it about this boy that I just cannot let go of? Is it because I really dont want to be single? I think that plays a part, I can be honest.. or am I just waiting for someone else to come along so I Have a legit reason to break up? Possible.. very possible.... you all know what im talking about... that thing, that the boy possessess(sp? lol) and im not talking about the penis haha... that thing that keeps us coming back to him every time...
But I am tired of getting mad at things I dont even konw if they are my fault or his anymore do u know what I mean? Like I can no longer tell if I am being rediculous (because honestly, all us girls can be rediculous) or if its really him not giving me what I think I deserve. Whose fault is it? I don't know... but if I am going t obe with someone, man... I really want to be happy.. like happy happy.. like not just for a day.. but someone... oh i dont know.. what am i looking for?...
I really maybe should just be single for a while.. and try to make myself happy alone.. rather than getting upset that he can't make me happy.. yeah, thats really the answer for right now. Ugh I hate the thought of not having someone around the holidays.. Im sucha hopeless romantic.. I wish I could find a guy like that... one just is so romantically in touch with himself.. ohhh how sweet that would be. I like to feel needed u know? needed in teh sense that I need someone there too... Oh but I love that boy so much
Whats funny is that i saw this all coming.. i totally did.. i tried to break it off before i got to attached.. i will never forget it.. I took him to the docks in southwick by louie Bs.. right before I started my freshmen year of college.. and told him we needed to break up because I was going to school and starting ROTC and I was going to change.. and that this wasent going to work out in the long run... he said no.. wouldnt let me do it... but he shoulda let it happen.. although I do not regret our good times... we seriously just click together I love it.... but he is lazy... he no longer works out, he started smoking again recently.. he admits to being lazy in the relationshpi again.. ijust can't push him anymore
I would LOVE for him to mold in my ideal boy.. its not like he is far from it.. he just doesent step up to the plate enough, but thats not fault of his.. I mean its who he is you know? He isnt that guy that needs a girl to be there for him.. or to talk too or listen.. he doesent think romantically... One thing he could get right though.. I could ask him to do anything (laundry, dropping off a bill, picking something up at the store.. etC) and he would do it.. no questions asked... Even recently i asked him to research some things for a paper i had to write.. and he did it!!! THats probably his most prized attribute.. he would seriously do anything for me... so why can't he love me the way I want to be loved?
So many explanations.. I know he spends a lot of time looking at other girls.. and thats what guys do.. I understand.. I just wish i didnt know it you know? I am so insecure as it is.. and its so hard to have sex with him because he just is never really turned on.. how nice it would be for a guy to want me as bad as I want him? I love sex.. no lie lol.. I would do it anywhere at anytime haha... but I hate starting it all the time... I want to feel like I am attractive u know? Get caught up in the way I look instead of the other way around all the time...
What a mish mosh of thoughts lol... This song was on the radio today.. and its everything I wish ryan would understand that I Want...
When you love a woman you tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
Cuz she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
- really really ever loved a woman?
Its true.. I need somebody to let me know I am really absolutly wanted... which is more than just words.. I want to know it physically.. ughh im such a hopeless romantic lol.. i need a boy who can express himself in these ways.. how nice it would be
anywho.. I called him tonight..and I've been up for 24 hours now.. im so tired.. and so drained..it would be nice for him to do something nice for me u know? It would just be nice.. Not even something physical.. but maybe cute little messsages just to let me know he is there and cares... no.. he can't do that..
So I called.. told him I couldnt be with him anymore... he said "whatever" and hung up the phone.. I'm not sure what that means.. but okay, fair enough, I do pull this alot.. I think I am officially the girl who cried wolf.. when will the real thing just happen? When will I let it just fall into pieces..
I love him.. so much.. I wish I could just get him to see... but I don't think he will ever truly understand me.. which is not his fault.. its just who he is.. I think he needs a simpler girl who is just looking for simple things in life and is content.. I will never be content.. things are always happening and always will be..
But that doesent stop me from being rediculously in love with the boy
Wow that was alot... and i bet it doesent make ne sense... but.. im kinda use to hearing me make no sense lol
Life is hard right now.. real hard.. and its only going to get harder.. maybe I should get a helmet... lol lol
Boys.. oh how they grab our attention, and we cannot let them go for the life of us... I do love Ryan, I love him to death.. I care about him so much I just want to be by his side night and day.. I accidently found this card while I was looking for a birthday card.. and it had a picture of the cutest dog on it and it said on the front "If you werent already in my life" and then inside "I would follow you home and ask you to keep me" lol it was just adorable, and it reminded me of ryan and I... because its sorta how I feel.. like I'm always following him around because thats the only way I can get his attention. I know what you've all said, I can do better, I deserve someone who just automatically wants to do nice things for me and return my love without being asked... but what is it about this boy that I just cannot let go of? Is it because I really dont want to be single? I think that plays a part, I can be honest.. or am I just waiting for someone else to come along so I Have a legit reason to break up? Possible.. very possible.... you all know what im talking about... that thing, that the boy possessess(sp? lol) and im not talking about the penis haha... that thing that keeps us coming back to him every time...
But I am tired of getting mad at things I dont even konw if they are my fault or his anymore do u know what I mean? Like I can no longer tell if I am being rediculous (because honestly, all us girls can be rediculous) or if its really him not giving me what I think I deserve. Whose fault is it? I don't know... but if I am going t obe with someone, man... I really want to be happy.. like happy happy.. like not just for a day.. but someone... oh i dont know.. what am i looking for?...
I really maybe should just be single for a while.. and try to make myself happy alone.. rather than getting upset that he can't make me happy.. yeah, thats really the answer for right now. Ugh I hate the thought of not having someone around the holidays.. Im sucha hopeless romantic.. I wish I could find a guy like that... one just is so romantically in touch with himself.. ohhh how sweet that would be. I like to feel needed u know? needed in teh sense that I need someone there too... Oh but I love that boy so much
Whats funny is that i saw this all coming.. i totally did.. i tried to break it off before i got to attached.. i will never forget it.. I took him to the docks in southwick by louie Bs.. right before I started my freshmen year of college.. and told him we needed to break up because I was going to school and starting ROTC and I was going to change.. and that this wasent going to work out in the long run... he said no.. wouldnt let me do it... but he shoulda let it happen.. although I do not regret our good times... we seriously just click together I love it.... but he is lazy... he no longer works out, he started smoking again recently.. he admits to being lazy in the relationshpi again.. ijust can't push him anymore
I would LOVE for him to mold in my ideal boy.. its not like he is far from it.. he just doesent step up to the plate enough, but thats not fault of his.. I mean its who he is you know? He isnt that guy that needs a girl to be there for him.. or to talk too or listen.. he doesent think romantically... One thing he could get right though.. I could ask him to do anything (laundry, dropping off a bill, picking something up at the store.. etC) and he would do it.. no questions asked... Even recently i asked him to research some things for a paper i had to write.. and he did it!!! THats probably his most prized attribute.. he would seriously do anything for me... so why can't he love me the way I want to be loved?
So many explanations.. I know he spends a lot of time looking at other girls.. and thats what guys do.. I understand.. I just wish i didnt know it you know? I am so insecure as it is.. and its so hard to have sex with him because he just is never really turned on.. how nice it would be for a guy to want me as bad as I want him? I love sex.. no lie lol.. I would do it anywhere at anytime haha... but I hate starting it all the time... I want to feel like I am attractive u know? Get caught up in the way I look instead of the other way around all the time...
What a mish mosh of thoughts lol... This song was on the radio today.. and its everything I wish ryan would understand that I Want...
When you love a woman you tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
Cuz she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
- really really ever loved a woman?
Its true.. I need somebody to let me know I am really absolutly wanted... which is more than just words.. I want to know it physically.. ughh im such a hopeless romantic lol.. i need a boy who can express himself in these ways.. how nice it would be
anywho.. I called him tonight..and I've been up for 24 hours now.. im so tired.. and so drained..it would be nice for him to do something nice for me u know? It would just be nice.. Not even something physical.. but maybe cute little messsages just to let me know he is there and cares... no.. he can't do that..
So I called.. told him I couldnt be with him anymore... he said "whatever" and hung up the phone.. I'm not sure what that means.. but okay, fair enough, I do pull this alot.. I think I am officially the girl who cried wolf.. when will the real thing just happen? When will I let it just fall into pieces..
I love him.. so much.. I wish I could just get him to see... but I don't think he will ever truly understand me.. which is not his fault.. its just who he is.. I think he needs a simpler girl who is just looking for simple things in life and is content.. I will never be content.. things are always happening and always will be..
But that doesent stop me from being rediculously in love with the boy
Wow that was alot... and i bet it doesent make ne sense... but.. im kinda use to hearing me make no sense lol
Life is hard right now.. real hard.. and its only going to get harder.. maybe I should get a helmet... lol lol