exclusion-conform
I feel pretty shitty at this moment.
Amanda is introducing Steven Pinker, the Elkin Isaac speaker. I recommended her at the committee meeting this past Wednesday. She was happy about it today, but I feel kind of shitty about it. She's currently drinking, having a good time.
I feel excluded from pretty much everything. I feel increasing pressure to conform. To wear makeup, to fit into my girls pants, to shave. I feel the need to scrutinize the fat on my back, and tummy and thighs.
I mean, even my roommate, who was pretty much my only good friend (here at albion, aside from my boyfriend) doesn't really hang out with me. She doesn't really want to. We made plans last weekend, and then she realized she'd made other plans. I said I didn't want to go to the theatre, that I could hang out later, but instead of hanging out with me, like she said she would earlier that week, she hung out with other people.
I don't really have any other friends at this school. I have aquaintances, people who enjoy my company for an hours time, but I don't have any kind of real emotional support system. And, I guess it's not fair to expect people to care about me, but dammit, that's what I want. I want to be able to trust someone, and talk to them about the pressures to conform, and have fun, and talk about feminism/the environment/gender stuff and talk about my stupid issues. I want someone to genuinely care about all those things, and I want them to care about me too. I feel selfish for wanting that.
I don't even know what the point of this lj entry is.
Sometimes I think about transferring. But then I think about all the professors that I like working with, and the Honors thesis that I want to do. I'm somewhat invested in staying here. But I can't help thinking that it's only because I'm used to uneven, not good relationships and shitty emotional support systems.
Some freshman from my honors course made me cry today. How odd.
Amanda is introducing Steven Pinker, the Elkin Isaac speaker. I recommended her at the committee meeting this past Wednesday. She was happy about it today, but I feel kind of shitty about it. She's currently drinking, having a good time.
I feel excluded from pretty much everything. I feel increasing pressure to conform. To wear makeup, to fit into my girls pants, to shave. I feel the need to scrutinize the fat on my back, and tummy and thighs.
I mean, even my roommate, who was pretty much my only good friend (here at albion, aside from my boyfriend) doesn't really hang out with me. She doesn't really want to. We made plans last weekend, and then she realized she'd made other plans. I said I didn't want to go to the theatre, that I could hang out later, but instead of hanging out with me, like she said she would earlier that week, she hung out with other people.
I don't really have any other friends at this school. I have aquaintances, people who enjoy my company for an hours time, but I don't have any kind of real emotional support system. And, I guess it's not fair to expect people to care about me, but dammit, that's what I want. I want to be able to trust someone, and talk to them about the pressures to conform, and have fun, and talk about feminism/the environment/gender stuff and talk about my stupid issues. I want someone to genuinely care about all those things, and I want them to care about me too. I feel selfish for wanting that.
I don't even know what the point of this lj entry is.
Sometimes I think about transferring. But then I think about all the professors that I like working with, and the Honors thesis that I want to do. I'm somewhat invested in staying here. But I can't help thinking that it's only because I'm used to uneven, not good relationships and shitty emotional support systems.
Some freshman from my honors course made me cry today. How odd.