keep hope alive..
so... I'm not depending on that internship. i'm not sure i ever really was. i mean, i worked a relatively long time on it, and it would have been nice, but they haven't called so.... i'll deal. i guess i'm at that point where i just have to roll with it, with everything. instead of pushing against what i don't like.
i feel like i'm dying, like i'm losing my fight in me. i want very much to fight against something, but when i think about it, i'm only fighting against myself.
i'm trying not to be a perfectionist, anymore. with singing, yeah... because you won't hear me singing. but with writing, i don't strive for perfection. i've learned to work with what i have and fix later. actually, i'm still learning. everything is a constant effort.
i will miss school. not this fulfilling my breadth crap that i have to do, but the other stuff... the fun stuff, i want back. seeing my cousin and how happy he is, it reminds me of how happy i was when i got here. it was such an exciting and terrifying experience. a few days ago i was excited, thinking about all the possibilities. but now... i don't know.
i'm thinking about going back home for three months.. to get some money. by "get", i mean save up. and get my license. yeah, there's the whole problem with that. i didn't get my license in time, and now i have to take my permit test again and it's all just such a bitch. i just don't know how long i'll be able to be there without all hell breaking loose. or i could stay here. idk. i know i could be an intern (bitch) at some paper at home, probably.
and i know, i've been going back and forth for the past few months, maybe years... since i've come back from France everything has been crashing down as the end of this chapter of my life has been making itself known. i would hate listening to myself, too. only thing is, i can't turn my head off.
i feel like i'm dying, like i'm losing my fight in me. i want very much to fight against something, but when i think about it, i'm only fighting against myself.
i'm trying not to be a perfectionist, anymore. with singing, yeah... because you won't hear me singing. but with writing, i don't strive for perfection. i've learned to work with what i have and fix later. actually, i'm still learning. everything is a constant effort.
i will miss school. not this fulfilling my breadth crap that i have to do, but the other stuff... the fun stuff, i want back. seeing my cousin and how happy he is, it reminds me of how happy i was when i got here. it was such an exciting and terrifying experience. a few days ago i was excited, thinking about all the possibilities. but now... i don't know.
i'm thinking about going back home for three months.. to get some money. by "get", i mean save up. and get my license. yeah, there's the whole problem with that. i didn't get my license in time, and now i have to take my permit test again and it's all just such a bitch. i just don't know how long i'll be able to be there without all hell breaking loose. or i could stay here. idk. i know i could be an intern (bitch) at some paper at home, probably.
and i know, i've been going back and forth for the past few months, maybe years... since i've come back from France everything has been crashing down as the end of this chapter of my life has been making itself known. i would hate listening to myself, too. only thing is, i can't turn my head off.