calm down... deep breaths.
I'm confused. I've been confused for forever.It's weird how I'm always whiny on here. Seriously, I'm never usually whiny on my moleskin journal. But then again, writing on paper is just better. You don't get those computer-cancer headaches. I've had a headache for days... since I've came back from home. Maybe I have some sort of virus. But I don't feel sick.
Driving lessons here will cost me $600. I told my mom over the phone and she started sighing a lot over the phone and talking about paying back loans. I think she knows that it triggers some guilt sentiment in my mind that says, "just go home and save money." I wish there was a cheaper alternative. She was going to give me $300 for graduation, so I have that... but the rest I'm not so sure of. I wanted to stay here. Yes, because it's easy. Yes, because my cousin is coming here in the fall. Yes, because I told my littles, I told my friends. Yes, because I'm terrified of being sucked into the black hole that is Monterey County*.
I cried on my way to the airport this weekend after spending time with my family. It's this life of sunshine and friends and nonprofits where I can make a difference or it's home, where all my family is, where my ex-friends are, a place where I become more and more alienated from the longer I'm away. When I think of home, I think of my family. I miss them, I like seeing my family from the bay, but they aren't making my decisions, I am. It's not fair to do this to me. Because I don't understand the place I come from. And when my youth comes back to me... being honked at during my walks home from middle school, the anger and resentment I felt living at home, not being able to talk about how everything wasn't okay and not wanting to go home... I can't do that anymore. I've blocked so much of that out of who I am now. I just don't understand. Maybe I never did.
And now money is an issue because now and for the rest of my life, money will always be an issue. So do I go home? Do I stay here? Anyone who has anything to say, please do. I feel like running away, though you can't run away from the rest of your life. I think this is why I grind my teeth at night. And why my headache will not go away.
Education is supposed to prepare you for the rest of your life. Now that I think I know what I want, it's stopping me.
*It's a black hole... to me. You could say the same for Orange. It can get pretty awful.
Driving lessons here will cost me $600. I told my mom over the phone and she started sighing a lot over the phone and talking about paying back loans. I think she knows that it triggers some guilt sentiment in my mind that says, "just go home and save money." I wish there was a cheaper alternative. She was going to give me $300 for graduation, so I have that... but the rest I'm not so sure of. I wanted to stay here. Yes, because it's easy. Yes, because my cousin is coming here in the fall. Yes, because I told my littles, I told my friends. Yes, because I'm terrified of being sucked into the black hole that is Monterey County*.
I cried on my way to the airport this weekend after spending time with my family. It's this life of sunshine and friends and nonprofits where I can make a difference or it's home, where all my family is, where my ex-friends are, a place where I become more and more alienated from the longer I'm away. When I think of home, I think of my family. I miss them, I like seeing my family from the bay, but they aren't making my decisions, I am. It's not fair to do this to me. Because I don't understand the place I come from. And when my youth comes back to me... being honked at during my walks home from middle school, the anger and resentment I felt living at home, not being able to talk about how everything wasn't okay and not wanting to go home... I can't do that anymore. I've blocked so much of that out of who I am now. I just don't understand. Maybe I never did.
And now money is an issue because now and for the rest of my life, money will always be an issue. So do I go home? Do I stay here? Anyone who has anything to say, please do. I feel like running away, though you can't run away from the rest of your life. I think this is why I grind my teeth at night. And why my headache will not go away.
Education is supposed to prepare you for the rest of your life. Now that I think I know what I want, it's stopping me.
*It's a black hole... to me. You could say the same for Orange. It can get pretty awful.