(no subject)
in less than two weeks, it will all be over. and most of me cannot wait and is antsy and impatient. then there's the other side of me... the side of me that will take over once i'm all settled and alone in irvine, that will want all of this back.
i don't know. the tram.. after the creeper incident... makes me paranoid. but passing through victor hugo and seeing all the christmas stuff and lights and set up shops, it makes it feel more like home. it makes france feel like something i can understand. i absolutely would hate living here any longer. firstly, because i've gotten so excited about leaving and second because i just don't think france can function properly. like, at all.
and then, when i think about leaving and returning back to my real life... i don't know. i have all these plans. rather, i have plans of making all of these plans. i want to travel, but i don't know why. i don't know what that means. ideally, i would love the idea of going abroad again but this time, to an english-speaking country. i would want to experience that atmosphere and the students. you won't get that at a summer travel program. but, i can't leave my friends again. they only have so much time left at school and i want to experience it with them. and what does it mean if my friends have all these great memories together while i think i'm cool by traveling abroad. then i'll be the absent friend who always goes abroad with less and less possibilities of making memories with the people i do adore.
i've always lived with a plan. my plan was to go to college. then i got here and i've been lost and searching ever since. it's funny because when i think of college, it's always been second nature for me to go. i feel like i was born and knew it. but i've never really gotten pressure from my parents (to do anything with myself, really.) they just got really lucky because i do what they hope i would do. i think. maybe it was school and the GATE program. because once those teachers put ideas in my head, oh how i loved to abide by them. i guess it just stuck that way. i've never really thought there was another option... like not going to school. What is that? and i was always that kid who wanted to best. i hated math, but took calculus. i tried chem, but since there really weren't science competency levels (like pre-alg to geometry to algebra, stats, blah blah,) i gave up on that quick. it was hard.
anyway, all this thought on plans... it has me thinking about my brothers and their plans. they're young, i know. but i have been planning college since third grade? i was precocious, what can i say. but then again, i knew about my mom and how she was young when she had me. i knew how i spent the first 5 years of my life without a father really around. but that there was someone who used to be around that told me he was my dad, and when my mom remarried, there was someone who acted like my dad. and being brought up with my grandparents as a major part of the picture. i knew from school and full house that that wasn't how a family was usually run. but then again, i learned from full house that it was okay.
i sound like i'm getting off tangent, but what i'm trying to say is that, when my brothers came into this world, they entered with a nuclear family already in place. they had their mother and father, as well as an older sister who adored them/envied all the attention they received. maybe it changes a lot. maybe when you're born and raised comfortably, it changes a lot of factors. the eldest of my brothers, he's in ninth grade. i have been pushing since summer school to get him into the GATE program. apparently, you can enter it sophomore year... that was the same case for some of my friends when i was in high school. and i have been pushing his curious and instigating mind towards college maybe since i started? My other brother, he just entered middle school and doesn't really know what he's going to do. he's thinking about joining the army... and my dad's okay with that. i mean, he himself was in the marines, but.... i don't know. i mean, isn't part of the american dream that, once you start climbing the social ladder, you have other people fight your wars? that's very irvine-minded of me to say. but seriously, when you have the opportunity to send all your children to college, wouldn't you want that? i'm overanalyzing this. i'm worrying too much. i worry about this brother... chris, a lot. he only needs a plan because i say he needs a plan. because it makes me feel safe. because if he doesn't have a plan then i'm here, in the middle of the night, writing about how he needs a plan. he's just different from my other brothers... not as focused, tempermental, or socailly-minded. i swear, if my mom says i'm just like him one more time, i will be pissed... just like she wants.
ugh, now i'm worried about him. i love him. he is ridiculously funny. i'm just scared that if he gets in the wrong crowd, there's really no turning back. maybe he should join the army... but work at a desk or something... or when it's safer. ...moreeee nervous.
the youngest... he pretty much adores me. i'm setting him in the right direction... corection, my direction. i don't know if it's right. because i'm here, wondering about my new plans. i just think college, gives you the opportunity to give you the most options as possible.
i don't think the last sentence sounds right, but i'm sleepy now. love you, journal. that doesn't sound right, either. k bye, journal.
i don't know. the tram.. after the creeper incident... makes me paranoid. but passing through victor hugo and seeing all the christmas stuff and lights and set up shops, it makes it feel more like home. it makes france feel like something i can understand. i absolutely would hate living here any longer. firstly, because i've gotten so excited about leaving and second because i just don't think france can function properly. like, at all.
and then, when i think about leaving and returning back to my real life... i don't know. i have all these plans. rather, i have plans of making all of these plans. i want to travel, but i don't know why. i don't know what that means. ideally, i would love the idea of going abroad again but this time, to an english-speaking country. i would want to experience that atmosphere and the students. you won't get that at a summer travel program. but, i can't leave my friends again. they only have so much time left at school and i want to experience it with them. and what does it mean if my friends have all these great memories together while i think i'm cool by traveling abroad. then i'll be the absent friend who always goes abroad with less and less possibilities of making memories with the people i do adore.
i've always lived with a plan. my plan was to go to college. then i got here and i've been lost and searching ever since. it's funny because when i think of college, it's always been second nature for me to go. i feel like i was born and knew it. but i've never really gotten pressure from my parents (to do anything with myself, really.) they just got really lucky because i do what they hope i would do. i think. maybe it was school and the GATE program. because once those teachers put ideas in my head, oh how i loved to abide by them. i guess it just stuck that way. i've never really thought there was another option... like not going to school. What is that? and i was always that kid who wanted to best. i hated math, but took calculus. i tried chem, but since there really weren't science competency levels (like pre-alg to geometry to algebra, stats, blah blah,) i gave up on that quick. it was hard.
anyway, all this thought on plans... it has me thinking about my brothers and their plans. they're young, i know. but i have been planning college since third grade? i was precocious, what can i say. but then again, i knew about my mom and how she was young when she had me. i knew how i spent the first 5 years of my life without a father really around. but that there was someone who used to be around that told me he was my dad, and when my mom remarried, there was someone who acted like my dad. and being brought up with my grandparents as a major part of the picture. i knew from school and full house that that wasn't how a family was usually run. but then again, i learned from full house that it was okay.
i sound like i'm getting off tangent, but what i'm trying to say is that, when my brothers came into this world, they entered with a nuclear family already in place. they had their mother and father, as well as an older sister who adored them/envied all the attention they received. maybe it changes a lot. maybe when you're born and raised comfortably, it changes a lot of factors. the eldest of my brothers, he's in ninth grade. i have been pushing since summer school to get him into the GATE program. apparently, you can enter it sophomore year... that was the same case for some of my friends when i was in high school. and i have been pushing his curious and instigating mind towards college maybe since i started? My other brother, he just entered middle school and doesn't really know what he's going to do. he's thinking about joining the army... and my dad's okay with that. i mean, he himself was in the marines, but.... i don't know. i mean, isn't part of the american dream that, once you start climbing the social ladder, you have other people fight your wars? that's very irvine-minded of me to say. but seriously, when you have the opportunity to send all your children to college, wouldn't you want that? i'm overanalyzing this. i'm worrying too much. i worry about this brother... chris, a lot. he only needs a plan because i say he needs a plan. because it makes me feel safe. because if he doesn't have a plan then i'm here, in the middle of the night, writing about how he needs a plan. he's just different from my other brothers... not as focused, tempermental, or socailly-minded. i swear, if my mom says i'm just like him one more time, i will be pissed... just like she wants.
ugh, now i'm worried about him. i love him. he is ridiculously funny. i'm just scared that if he gets in the wrong crowd, there's really no turning back. maybe he should join the army... but work at a desk or something... or when it's safer. ...moreeee nervous.
the youngest... he pretty much adores me. i'm setting him in the right direction... corection, my direction. i don't know if it's right. because i'm here, wondering about my new plans. i just think college, gives you the opportunity to give you the most options as possible.
i don't think the last sentence sounds right, but i'm sleepy now. love you, journal. that doesn't sound right, either. k bye, journal.