Caves of Ice - A songfic
*This is a DesandNate fanfic. It's not what I normally write, but I couldn't stop myself after hearing Destery's new (and first!) single on iTunes. Check it out if you want; I'd check out the song first, it's amazing.*
Title: Caves of Ice - Song Fic
Summary: It's hard to come to terms with the death of a loved one, especially your best friend. Destery has created a mental escape in his mind where he can once again be with his friend. It's time for him to settle his issues and realize he still has a life to live, and that Nathan is gone.
Rating/Warnings: death fic (after death); maleXmale pairing, angst, suggestive of depression/mental illness.
Disclaimer: Destery Smith & Nathan Owens are not my property. Nate is still alive and well. Pretty sure they're super homo, but can't confirm a thing, sadly. C; I also do not own Caves of Ice by Destery Smith.
A/N: I only spent a few days on this, but I'm pretty proud of it. It's obviously not my best, but I think it adds a lot of meaning to the (totally mind blowing) song. &Let's be honest, whatever the song means in Destery's mind, it was totally meant for Nathan. d:
Also, beware, this is LONG. enjoy(:
Caves of Ice
Every time that I look into your eyes
It feels like I'm breathing sunlight
So let it in one last time
And brace for an endless night
Destery awoke with a start, staring up with wide eyes at his ceiling. It was just a dream; just another fucking dream, teasing him with faded memories and false happiness. It seemed so real, just like always. The laughter he hadn’t heard in so long seemed so clear, the soft warmth of skin on skin so comforting and real. It was just a dream, though; just a few hours of escape from reality. Now he lay, breathing in shaky breaths, staring upward blankly.
After a long moment of recollection, Destery sighed in aggravation, bringing his hands up to drag across his worn, tired face, wiping the light sweat from his forehead and cheeks. He swallowed, noting the dryness of his mouth, and willed himself to sit up. He yawned as his bare feet touched the soft, carpeted floor, and fumbled through the bed sheets to find his phone. He poked at the power button, instantly bringing the screen to life, and squinted at the bright light. 3:02 AM, the top of the screen read. Destery sighed again, dropping his phone back to the mattress and standing up.
He made his way to the bathroom down the hall, flipping on the lights as he entered. He shuffled groggily across the room, putting his hands on the sink’s counter once he reached it and staring at the figure in the mirror. Was it really him? No, he decided after a moment, accessing the overgrown, messy dark hair, stubble covered chin, tired eyes hidden within sunken shadows, and pale, weak chest. This couldn't be him. His dark eyes looked empty as he stared into them, hoping to see some sort of remnant of his former self. All he saw was a stranger gaping at him behind the glass.
He sighed, tearing his gaze from the pathetic man in the mirror, and turned the cold water on. He ran a hand under the stream, shuddering at the icy touch, and leaned down, splashing droplets onto his face. He closed his eyes, running his wet hand across his features, and straightened back up. A few drops of water ran down his cheeks, down his neck, onto his shirtless torso. Destery took a moment to breathe as the droplets traveled down and absorbed into his pale skin. He wiped away any remaining water after a while, and turned to leave. He threw his hand up to flick off the light switch as he left, and turned to enter the small living room. Figuring there was no use trying to get more sleep, he crossed the room to reach the familiar window looking out to the darkened streets.
Destery sat on the cushioned window seat, pulling his legs up and settling in, and gazed out to the dark world, taking no comfort from the shadowy trees or blinking street lights. What time of year was it, again? He wondered, taking a moment to think about it. He never really could keep track, these days. Summer, he decided, remembering the heat on the way home from grocery shopping a few days earlier. Summer, then. Not his favorite time of year, as there wasn’t too much to watch through the window, but soon it’d be Autumn, and then Winter, and those months were far less boring.
Occupying his mind with numb thoughts like this didn’t last long, and he was soon left thinking about the dreams. Not only the dreams, but all the memories, all the goodness and badness welled within him, all the emotion trapped in his core, all the pain and heartache clawing at his insides, trying desperately to free itself. He tugged at a loose thread on the waistband of his sweatpants, staring out, allowing the stomach-knotting thoughts to flood his tired mind. He laid his head against the cool window pane, shaggy black hair sticking to his damp forehead, and closed his eyes.
'Cause there's a shadow cast on this worn out path
That leads me miles away
To where the winter never leaves
'Cause I swear that's where I will be
He sat silently, hearing nothing but his slow breathing, and gave into the lure of escape, floating back to his winter wonderland.
Across the ocean, too cold for crashing waves
Where time is frozen, waiting for you to say:
"This love with you is the best that I've ever felt"
I'll wait for you even after the ice melts
He wasn’t there. Not really. Destery was back home, leaning curled up against his big bay window. Yet his mind brought him here, and he had no complaints. He looked around, the scenery new again, just like every day. Not too much had changed; the bitter air still nipped at his bare arms and chest. Tiny crystal specks floated down all around him, landing with cold kisses on his skin. Glittering white blankets stretched out in all directions, leading his eyes to frozen lakes, shards of ice, and frosted, icy caves. Destery spun around, taking in his snowy tundra.
Across the ocean, too cold for crashing waves
Where time is frozen, waiting for you to say:
"This love with you is the best that I've ever felt"
I'll wait for you even after the ice melts
It was quiet, save for a soft whir of wind and snow crunching beneath his feet, which now hid within black winter boots. Destery smiled at his feet as he walked, marveling at his imagination, then looked back up, lips resting once again. He continued walking, pausing often to peer into the dark caves, icicles hanging at ridiculous length and small animals huddling deep within. He also paused to look over snow banks, across reflective frozen lakes, up on icy ledges…wherever he possibly could. He looked and looked, searching for his friend. The faded image of him sent a shiver up Destery’s spine, as if the numbing snow and temperatures weren’t enough.
After a while, Destery’s eyes stopped mid-scan of a snow-covered mountain straight ahead. Turned away from him, looking off at the blizzard-filled sky, was the only other person in this make-believe world.
Nathan.
With a smile between his cold, reddened cheeks, Destery ran toward the mountain. He reached it quickly, wasting no time as he grabbed at snow-dusted rocks and began climbing. The wet snow nipped at his fingers bitterly, but he paid no mind to it, quickly making his way to his friend. Once he finally reached the ledge Nathan stood on, breathless from the climb, he called out desperately.
I speak and see my breath, what little I have left
Finding the words to say
If only you could hear them now
But they escape or get drowned out
“Nathan!” Destery called out, his breath clouding around him, slowly drifting into the frigid air as silence reclaimed the space between the two boys. He swallowed, waited a moment, and called out again. Nathan remained silent, facing away. His old Band Tee-shirt and black jeans were still on him. Nothing had changed, just like always.
“Nathan! Dude, come on! Please-” Destery called, his voice cracking on the last word as he tripped over a chunk of ice. He flew to the ground, hitting the rocky dirt with a thud, and dusty snowflakes stirred up and around him. He opened his mouth to beckon once more to his friend, but only a sob escaped. He was unable to hold back the emotion at this point, letting the hot tears stream down his numbed cheeks, the choked cries bellow from his throat. He dropped his head against his shivering arms, sobbing loudly.
Ages pass it seems, I need you here with me
Trying to find a way
To make everything alright
So we wouldn't have to say good bye
He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but eventually, Destery heard a quiet crunching of snow as Nathan approached him. He pulled his head up slowly, tears still wet on his face, eyes red and swelled. Nathan stood above him, a hand extended to help him up. His face was unreadable, but the air was knocked right out of Destery’s lungs the moment he looked into those hazel eyes.
He blinks, trying to regain his breath, and reaches up to take Nathan’s hand. It’s warm and soft, a direct contrast to the freezing air around them. With Nathan’s help, Destery gets up, not bothering to wipe the sticky snow from his body. He swallows hard, holding back more tears as he comes face-to-face with his best friend. His features were so close now, the breath falling from his lips blowing warmth across Destery’s face. His eyes, swirls of emerald green and warm mahogany, bore into Destery’s, whispering a thousand unsaid words. Destery struggled to remain calm, hearing the uneven hammering of his heart, feeling chills run up his spine. It was all so real, just like always. It was as if Nathan were really there in front of him, not six feet underground in a casket.
Trying desperately to keep composure, Destery silently cursed as hot tears stung at the corners of his eyes. Nathan just kept staring right at him, a calm look on his face. This was different. Usually, he’d find Nathan, talk to him, act like everything was normal. Sometimes he’d cry or vent to the figment of his imagination, but nothing like this. Lost in thought, Destery had hardly noticed the warm fingers tangling their way into his own. He glanced down and back up at Nathan, whose face had softened. His eyes held a look of anxiety, of want, of endearing. The look he gave Destery as he slowly closed the space between their faces was something more than anything Destery had ever expected to see through all the years he knew Nathan. The bashful, innocent, overwhelmingly loving look pouring into Destery’s eyes from Nathan’s was overwhelming. His breath hitched and he swallowed hard, closing his eyes and pressing his lips against Nathan’s.
Break free and replace this old life
Crash down beneath the ice cracks
Thaw from the frostbitten slumber
Oh it's clear now, it's clear now
It wasn’t real, the kiss. It couldn’t possibly be. This whole realm was nothing but a lucid dream. This Nathan was just a thing of imagination. Yet it felt as if he’d sprung back to life, rose from the dead after almost a year, and had come to kiss Destery. He didn’t try analyzing why it felt so real; he didn’t care for an explanation. The focused only on the way Nathan’s lips moved against his. Slowly, timidly at first, the soft, warm lips pushed lightly against Destery’s mouth, sparking a thousand emotions with each small movement. Destery brought a shaky hand up, tangling it into Nathan’s styled red hair, and kissed back harder, parting his lips and closing them over Nathan’s lower lip. His friend leaned in further, moving his lips in sync with Destery, kissing with an impossibly perfect balance of innocence and mischief, love and lust, lighthearted passion and hungry devouring. It could’ve lasted twenty seconds, or twenty minutes; Destery wasn’t sure. Time all but ceased in the moment, and he felt nothing but Nathan’s touch, Nathan’s kiss, and his own heartbeat thumping loudly in his ears.
It ended all too soon. The two parted lips slowly, pulling their heads back and looking curiously at the other’s reaction. Destery loosened his grip on his friend’s hair, not letting go, hoping that holding on to the realness of it all would keep this dream intact. He beamed breathlessly at his friend; cheeks tinted a faded scarlet, lips kiss-swollen and pink, tiny snow crystals dotting them, eyes wide with relief, with curiosity, sending silent messages to Destery. The ebony haired man watched silently as Nathan stepped back, his warmth no longer radiating against Destery. He backed up more, walking several steps backward. As Destery watched, everything began to change.
Everything around them- the dead, frozen trees, the snowy grounds, the iced over rocks and caves and lakes and oceans- everything. It began melting, it began changing, it began deteriorating, and Destery could feel it. He didn’t break eye contact with Nathan as he continued stepping back, stopping about ten feet away. The longer he stared, the more faded the image of his friend became. Realization struck with a painful suddenness.
“Nathan, wait, don’t go…” Destery pleaded, tears building in the corners of his eyes. Nathan didn’t reply. He stood with a mix of emotion in his features; sadness, happiness, love, apology…
The air temperature had risen noticeably. Warm sunshine beat down on Destery’s shivering bare torso.
“Please!” Destery squeaked, clenching his fists and taking a step forward. His friend drew back a pace, a twinge of pain distorting his face for a moment.
As a tear escaped his eye, rolling down his numbed cheek, icicles nearby began to drip.
“This isn’t fair! No, you can’t leave me! Not again! I won’t let you go, Nathan. You can’t kiss me and leave without explaining anything. You can’t leave without telling me how you really feel. You already did that before, remember?” Nathan closed his eyes, tears escaping from behind closed lids. His form looked translucent, faded.
Down on the ground, green grass and small flowers poked through the quickly melting snow.
Destery swallowed a lump in his throat, inhaled a shaky breath. “So this is it? You’re leaving me again?” He stared at his friend, eyes now open and burning with guilt. Destery knew it wasn’t his fault that he’d died, knew it was hard for them to show their hidden affection, or even come to terms with it. He knew this Nathan was just a figment of his imagination, and that he could only take comfort from him for so long. He knew his dream world was finally melting away. He knew he would be left back in his dull life, in his shell of a body, and that scared him.
In the distance, a loud chorus of crashing waves echoed along a defrosted beach.
Break free and replace this old life
Crash down beneath the ice cracks
Thaw from the frostbitten slumber
Oh it's clear now, it's clear now
Destery watched, tears streaming, breathing erratic, as Nathan stood silently. His best friend closed his eyes for a moment, then reopened them. He was hardly more than a dull shadow. He parted his lips to speak.
Across the ocean, too cold for crashing waves
Where time is frozen, waiting for you to say:
"This love with you is the best that I've ever felt" The words fell from his lips with a cloud of warm breath, his voice so clear, so smooth. It brought a shiver up Destery’s spine, and caused his heart to all but stop. The voice alone was enough to bring more tears to his eyes. The words made his vision falter, his legs wobble and give in. Almost instantly after the sentence settled into his mind, he collapsed onto his knees, reddened eyes still locked on Nathan.
He breathed for a few moments, attempting to gain composure, and settled on the pathetic response of a small smile. A sad smile, a happy smile…he wasn’t even sure. Nathan returned it with his own smile. He quickly walked over to Destery, leaving a shadowy trail behind him, and grabbed his shaky hand. It was odd, Destery thought; his hand was shadowy, faded, transparent, yet felt so solid and warm still. He gripped it, staring up at the quickly fading man. Nathan squeezed his hand, and Destery squeezed back, giving Nathan a softened look, accepting the confusing situation, giving him permission to finally leave. Destery blinked. Nathan was gone.
The trees around him sprang to life, birds flew overhead, flowers bloomed in the spot where Nathan stood moments ago. Small snowflakes continued to fall, contrasting the warmth of the air as they landed on Destery’s skin.
Destery closed his eyes, allowing the remainder of his tears to fall, and breathed slowly. His heart hurt, his mind screamed, his body shook, but he forced himself to accept it all. He’d run away from the fact for too long, but it was time to face it. Nathan was gone. He was dead. Maybe someday, he’d see him again. He’d just have to wait.
I'll wait for you even after the ice melts
He opened his eyes and he was back in his home. He blinked, turned his head, and looked out at the morning sun and quiet neighborhood. He sighed, running a hand through his knotted hair. A light sheen of sweat coated his skin, and his blood pounded in his ears. He sat for a while, staring out, trying to calm himself. It didn’t work too well.
So that’s it, Destery thought. No more going back there, it has to end. He sighed, shook his head, still wanting Nathan back in front of him, laughing and joking and doing stupid things like always. It wouldn’t happen though, and Destery had to accept that. Someday he’d be back with Nathan, but for the moment, he’d just have to wait.
Across the ocean, too cold for crashing waves
Where time is frozen, waiting for you to say:
"This love with you is the best that I've ever felt"
I'll wait for you even after the ice melts.
****
Thanks for reading if you did!! I know not many people read&write DesandNate fanfiction, so I appreciate anyone who decided to check this out. Comment if you have any con. crit, as I always love getting it. Can't get better without help, right? I'd also love to hear your overall opinion. If enough people enjoy Nestery stories, I'd be super pumped to write more. This was a joy to write. Again, thanks. Hope you enjoyed. Now let's go sailing, mates...hopefully not somewhere too cold for crashing waves...C; -Juiceboxx
Title: Caves of Ice - Song Fic
Summary: It's hard to come to terms with the death of a loved one, especially your best friend. Destery has created a mental escape in his mind where he can once again be with his friend. It's time for him to settle his issues and realize he still has a life to live, and that Nathan is gone.
Rating/Warnings: death fic (after death); maleXmale pairing, angst, suggestive of depression/mental illness.
Disclaimer: Destery Smith & Nathan Owens are not my property. Nate is still alive and well. Pretty sure they're super homo, but can't confirm a thing, sadly. C; I also do not own Caves of Ice by Destery Smith.
A/N: I only spent a few days on this, but I'm pretty proud of it. It's obviously not my best, but I think it adds a lot of meaning to the (totally mind blowing) song. &Let's be honest, whatever the song means in Destery's mind, it was totally meant for Nathan. d:
Also, beware, this is LONG. enjoy(:
Caves of Ice
Every time that I look into your eyes
It feels like I'm breathing sunlight
So let it in one last time
And brace for an endless night
Destery awoke with a start, staring up with wide eyes at his ceiling. It was just a dream; just another fucking dream, teasing him with faded memories and false happiness. It seemed so real, just like always. The laughter he hadn’t heard in so long seemed so clear, the soft warmth of skin on skin so comforting and real. It was just a dream, though; just a few hours of escape from reality. Now he lay, breathing in shaky breaths, staring upward blankly.
After a long moment of recollection, Destery sighed in aggravation, bringing his hands up to drag across his worn, tired face, wiping the light sweat from his forehead and cheeks. He swallowed, noting the dryness of his mouth, and willed himself to sit up. He yawned as his bare feet touched the soft, carpeted floor, and fumbled through the bed sheets to find his phone. He poked at the power button, instantly bringing the screen to life, and squinted at the bright light. 3:02 AM, the top of the screen read. Destery sighed again, dropping his phone back to the mattress and standing up.
He made his way to the bathroom down the hall, flipping on the lights as he entered. He shuffled groggily across the room, putting his hands on the sink’s counter once he reached it and staring at the figure in the mirror. Was it really him? No, he decided after a moment, accessing the overgrown, messy dark hair, stubble covered chin, tired eyes hidden within sunken shadows, and pale, weak chest. This couldn't be him. His dark eyes looked empty as he stared into them, hoping to see some sort of remnant of his former self. All he saw was a stranger gaping at him behind the glass.
He sighed, tearing his gaze from the pathetic man in the mirror, and turned the cold water on. He ran a hand under the stream, shuddering at the icy touch, and leaned down, splashing droplets onto his face. He closed his eyes, running his wet hand across his features, and straightened back up. A few drops of water ran down his cheeks, down his neck, onto his shirtless torso. Destery took a moment to breathe as the droplets traveled down and absorbed into his pale skin. He wiped away any remaining water after a while, and turned to leave. He threw his hand up to flick off the light switch as he left, and turned to enter the small living room. Figuring there was no use trying to get more sleep, he crossed the room to reach the familiar window looking out to the darkened streets.
Destery sat on the cushioned window seat, pulling his legs up and settling in, and gazed out to the dark world, taking no comfort from the shadowy trees or blinking street lights. What time of year was it, again? He wondered, taking a moment to think about it. He never really could keep track, these days. Summer, he decided, remembering the heat on the way home from grocery shopping a few days earlier. Summer, then. Not his favorite time of year, as there wasn’t too much to watch through the window, but soon it’d be Autumn, and then Winter, and those months were far less boring.
Occupying his mind with numb thoughts like this didn’t last long, and he was soon left thinking about the dreams. Not only the dreams, but all the memories, all the goodness and badness welled within him, all the emotion trapped in his core, all the pain and heartache clawing at his insides, trying desperately to free itself. He tugged at a loose thread on the waistband of his sweatpants, staring out, allowing the stomach-knotting thoughts to flood his tired mind. He laid his head against the cool window pane, shaggy black hair sticking to his damp forehead, and closed his eyes.
'Cause there's a shadow cast on this worn out path
That leads me miles away
To where the winter never leaves
'Cause I swear that's where I will be
He sat silently, hearing nothing but his slow breathing, and gave into the lure of escape, floating back to his winter wonderland.
Across the ocean, too cold for crashing waves
Where time is frozen, waiting for you to say:
"This love with you is the best that I've ever felt"
I'll wait for you even after the ice melts
He wasn’t there. Not really. Destery was back home, leaning curled up against his big bay window. Yet his mind brought him here, and he had no complaints. He looked around, the scenery new again, just like every day. Not too much had changed; the bitter air still nipped at his bare arms and chest. Tiny crystal specks floated down all around him, landing with cold kisses on his skin. Glittering white blankets stretched out in all directions, leading his eyes to frozen lakes, shards of ice, and frosted, icy caves. Destery spun around, taking in his snowy tundra.
Across the ocean, too cold for crashing waves
Where time is frozen, waiting for you to say:
"This love with you is the best that I've ever felt"
I'll wait for you even after the ice melts
It was quiet, save for a soft whir of wind and snow crunching beneath his feet, which now hid within black winter boots. Destery smiled at his feet as he walked, marveling at his imagination, then looked back up, lips resting once again. He continued walking, pausing often to peer into the dark caves, icicles hanging at ridiculous length and small animals huddling deep within. He also paused to look over snow banks, across reflective frozen lakes, up on icy ledges…wherever he possibly could. He looked and looked, searching for his friend. The faded image of him sent a shiver up Destery’s spine, as if the numbing snow and temperatures weren’t enough.
After a while, Destery’s eyes stopped mid-scan of a snow-covered mountain straight ahead. Turned away from him, looking off at the blizzard-filled sky, was the only other person in this make-believe world.
Nathan.
With a smile between his cold, reddened cheeks, Destery ran toward the mountain. He reached it quickly, wasting no time as he grabbed at snow-dusted rocks and began climbing. The wet snow nipped at his fingers bitterly, but he paid no mind to it, quickly making his way to his friend. Once he finally reached the ledge Nathan stood on, breathless from the climb, he called out desperately.
I speak and see my breath, what little I have left
Finding the words to say
If only you could hear them now
But they escape or get drowned out
“Nathan!” Destery called out, his breath clouding around him, slowly drifting into the frigid air as silence reclaimed the space between the two boys. He swallowed, waited a moment, and called out again. Nathan remained silent, facing away. His old Band Tee-shirt and black jeans were still on him. Nothing had changed, just like always.
“Nathan! Dude, come on! Please-” Destery called, his voice cracking on the last word as he tripped over a chunk of ice. He flew to the ground, hitting the rocky dirt with a thud, and dusty snowflakes stirred up and around him. He opened his mouth to beckon once more to his friend, but only a sob escaped. He was unable to hold back the emotion at this point, letting the hot tears stream down his numbed cheeks, the choked cries bellow from his throat. He dropped his head against his shivering arms, sobbing loudly.
Ages pass it seems, I need you here with me
Trying to find a way
To make everything alright
So we wouldn't have to say good bye
He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but eventually, Destery heard a quiet crunching of snow as Nathan approached him. He pulled his head up slowly, tears still wet on his face, eyes red and swelled. Nathan stood above him, a hand extended to help him up. His face was unreadable, but the air was knocked right out of Destery’s lungs the moment he looked into those hazel eyes.
He blinks, trying to regain his breath, and reaches up to take Nathan’s hand. It’s warm and soft, a direct contrast to the freezing air around them. With Nathan’s help, Destery gets up, not bothering to wipe the sticky snow from his body. He swallows hard, holding back more tears as he comes face-to-face with his best friend. His features were so close now, the breath falling from his lips blowing warmth across Destery’s face. His eyes, swirls of emerald green and warm mahogany, bore into Destery’s, whispering a thousand unsaid words. Destery struggled to remain calm, hearing the uneven hammering of his heart, feeling chills run up his spine. It was all so real, just like always. It was as if Nathan were really there in front of him, not six feet underground in a casket.
Trying desperately to keep composure, Destery silently cursed as hot tears stung at the corners of his eyes. Nathan just kept staring right at him, a calm look on his face. This was different. Usually, he’d find Nathan, talk to him, act like everything was normal. Sometimes he’d cry or vent to the figment of his imagination, but nothing like this. Lost in thought, Destery had hardly noticed the warm fingers tangling their way into his own. He glanced down and back up at Nathan, whose face had softened. His eyes held a look of anxiety, of want, of endearing. The look he gave Destery as he slowly closed the space between their faces was something more than anything Destery had ever expected to see through all the years he knew Nathan. The bashful, innocent, overwhelmingly loving look pouring into Destery’s eyes from Nathan’s was overwhelming. His breath hitched and he swallowed hard, closing his eyes and pressing his lips against Nathan’s.
Break free and replace this old life
Crash down beneath the ice cracks
Thaw from the frostbitten slumber
Oh it's clear now, it's clear now
It wasn’t real, the kiss. It couldn’t possibly be. This whole realm was nothing but a lucid dream. This Nathan was just a thing of imagination. Yet it felt as if he’d sprung back to life, rose from the dead after almost a year, and had come to kiss Destery. He didn’t try analyzing why it felt so real; he didn’t care for an explanation. The focused only on the way Nathan’s lips moved against his. Slowly, timidly at first, the soft, warm lips pushed lightly against Destery’s mouth, sparking a thousand emotions with each small movement. Destery brought a shaky hand up, tangling it into Nathan’s styled red hair, and kissed back harder, parting his lips and closing them over Nathan’s lower lip. His friend leaned in further, moving his lips in sync with Destery, kissing with an impossibly perfect balance of innocence and mischief, love and lust, lighthearted passion and hungry devouring. It could’ve lasted twenty seconds, or twenty minutes; Destery wasn’t sure. Time all but ceased in the moment, and he felt nothing but Nathan’s touch, Nathan’s kiss, and his own heartbeat thumping loudly in his ears.
It ended all too soon. The two parted lips slowly, pulling their heads back and looking curiously at the other’s reaction. Destery loosened his grip on his friend’s hair, not letting go, hoping that holding on to the realness of it all would keep this dream intact. He beamed breathlessly at his friend; cheeks tinted a faded scarlet, lips kiss-swollen and pink, tiny snow crystals dotting them, eyes wide with relief, with curiosity, sending silent messages to Destery. The ebony haired man watched silently as Nathan stepped back, his warmth no longer radiating against Destery. He backed up more, walking several steps backward. As Destery watched, everything began to change.
Everything around them- the dead, frozen trees, the snowy grounds, the iced over rocks and caves and lakes and oceans- everything. It began melting, it began changing, it began deteriorating, and Destery could feel it. He didn’t break eye contact with Nathan as he continued stepping back, stopping about ten feet away. The longer he stared, the more faded the image of his friend became. Realization struck with a painful suddenness.
“Nathan, wait, don’t go…” Destery pleaded, tears building in the corners of his eyes. Nathan didn’t reply. He stood with a mix of emotion in his features; sadness, happiness, love, apology…
The air temperature had risen noticeably. Warm sunshine beat down on Destery’s shivering bare torso.
“Please!” Destery squeaked, clenching his fists and taking a step forward. His friend drew back a pace, a twinge of pain distorting his face for a moment.
As a tear escaped his eye, rolling down his numbed cheek, icicles nearby began to drip.
“This isn’t fair! No, you can’t leave me! Not again! I won’t let you go, Nathan. You can’t kiss me and leave without explaining anything. You can’t leave without telling me how you really feel. You already did that before, remember?” Nathan closed his eyes, tears escaping from behind closed lids. His form looked translucent, faded.
Down on the ground, green grass and small flowers poked through the quickly melting snow.
Destery swallowed a lump in his throat, inhaled a shaky breath. “So this is it? You’re leaving me again?” He stared at his friend, eyes now open and burning with guilt. Destery knew it wasn’t his fault that he’d died, knew it was hard for them to show their hidden affection, or even come to terms with it. He knew this Nathan was just a figment of his imagination, and that he could only take comfort from him for so long. He knew his dream world was finally melting away. He knew he would be left back in his dull life, in his shell of a body, and that scared him.
In the distance, a loud chorus of crashing waves echoed along a defrosted beach.
Break free and replace this old life
Crash down beneath the ice cracks
Thaw from the frostbitten slumber
Oh it's clear now, it's clear now
Destery watched, tears streaming, breathing erratic, as Nathan stood silently. His best friend closed his eyes for a moment, then reopened them. He was hardly more than a dull shadow. He parted his lips to speak.
Across the ocean, too cold for crashing waves
Where time is frozen, waiting for you to say:
"This love with you is the best that I've ever felt" The words fell from his lips with a cloud of warm breath, his voice so clear, so smooth. It brought a shiver up Destery’s spine, and caused his heart to all but stop. The voice alone was enough to bring more tears to his eyes. The words made his vision falter, his legs wobble and give in. Almost instantly after the sentence settled into his mind, he collapsed onto his knees, reddened eyes still locked on Nathan.
He breathed for a few moments, attempting to gain composure, and settled on the pathetic response of a small smile. A sad smile, a happy smile…he wasn’t even sure. Nathan returned it with his own smile. He quickly walked over to Destery, leaving a shadowy trail behind him, and grabbed his shaky hand. It was odd, Destery thought; his hand was shadowy, faded, transparent, yet felt so solid and warm still. He gripped it, staring up at the quickly fading man. Nathan squeezed his hand, and Destery squeezed back, giving Nathan a softened look, accepting the confusing situation, giving him permission to finally leave. Destery blinked. Nathan was gone.
The trees around him sprang to life, birds flew overhead, flowers bloomed in the spot where Nathan stood moments ago. Small snowflakes continued to fall, contrasting the warmth of the air as they landed on Destery’s skin.
Destery closed his eyes, allowing the remainder of his tears to fall, and breathed slowly. His heart hurt, his mind screamed, his body shook, but he forced himself to accept it all. He’d run away from the fact for too long, but it was time to face it. Nathan was gone. He was dead. Maybe someday, he’d see him again. He’d just have to wait.
I'll wait for you even after the ice melts
He opened his eyes and he was back in his home. He blinked, turned his head, and looked out at the morning sun and quiet neighborhood. He sighed, running a hand through his knotted hair. A light sheen of sweat coated his skin, and his blood pounded in his ears. He sat for a while, staring out, trying to calm himself. It didn’t work too well.
So that’s it, Destery thought. No more going back there, it has to end. He sighed, shook his head, still wanting Nathan back in front of him, laughing and joking and doing stupid things like always. It wouldn’t happen though, and Destery had to accept that. Someday he’d be back with Nathan, but for the moment, he’d just have to wait.
Across the ocean, too cold for crashing waves
Where time is frozen, waiting for you to say:
"This love with you is the best that I've ever felt"
I'll wait for you even after the ice melts.
****
Thanks for reading if you did!! I know not many people read&write DesandNate fanfiction, so I appreciate anyone who decided to check this out. Comment if you have any con. crit, as I always love getting it. Can't get better without help, right? I'd also love to hear your overall opinion. If enough people enjoy Nestery stories, I'd be super pumped to write more. This was a joy to write. Again, thanks. Hope you enjoyed. Now let's go sailing, mates...hopefully not somewhere too cold for crashing waves...C; -Juiceboxx