Can't...breathe.....ow.....my.......side.........
Of late, I’ve taken a vague sort of interest in my health. I come from a family with a history of thyroid issues and adult-onset diabetes. Recently, my doctor told me I had clinical hypothyroidism (an underactive thyroid), which is essentially a case of hypothyroidism that is so mild that they don’t want to put me on pills for it yet. Also, my bad cholesterol is a tad high, and my good cholesterol a bit low (shocking, I know).
With all that in mind, starting last Monday, I began going to the free gym my building has. I’d worked out a rough regimen of treadmill followed by bicycle. I’d had a single, abortive attempt on an elliptical machine, as well. I had a little trouble keeping my feet on the pedals.
Caitlin went with me Friday, and I decided to give the machine again because I felt like a complete wimp since she did it for forty minutes on a relatively high level. I set it for a half-hour, and gave up at about 23 minutes by hitting the button that forced it into cool-down mode.
Thy gym is small, and has three elliptical machines. While I was on mine, a couple of women were on the other two, and it occurred to me that the elliptical is usually shown as being a device women use. This confused the shit out of me, because elliptical machines are fucking hard. I therefore imagined the following scenario, where two burly men are testing the first models of this new work-out device.
Burly Guy 1: Oh my God, man, I am friggin’ wiped!
Burly Guy 2: Yeah…fuck…this machine blows!
Burly Guy 1: I know. I never want to use it again.
Burly Guy 2: But we’ll look like pussies!
Burly Guy 1: I know, I know! But…but, damn, man!
Burly Guy 2: What’ll we do?
Burly Guy 1: I don’t know. We can’t look like pussies…pussies? I got it!
Burly Guy 2: What?
Burly Guy 1: We call it a chick machine, that way we don’t have to use it or we’d look gay!
Burly Guy 2: Wait, we’re not? I mean, all the spandex, and flexing in front of mirrors…
Burly Guy 1: THAT IS MANLINESS PERSONIFIED SHUT UP! Ellipticals are for chicks, you know, those thing I totally have sex with all the time!