Best...Doctor...EVER
Some time ago, not long after I first got into Doctor Who, there was a phony rumor that David Tennant would be soon stepping down to be replaced by Jason Statham as the Eleventh Doctor. You know, the big, burly, bald guy who tends to play the same, big, burly, bald tough guy in such films as The Bank Job, the new Deathrace, and the Transporter soon-to-be-trilogy. His name has not reemerged as one of the many, many contenders for the role now that Tennant is, in fact, leaving the show, making way for the most important regeneration since Tom Baker ended his record 7-year run in 1981. But the idea of Statham’s trying to be The Doctor amused the hell out of me, even if it was obvious bullshit. Try and imagine him standing around dressed like a Victorian dandy and looking basically uncomfortable, and it kind of goes from there…
Director: Alright, Jason…in this scene, you run ’round the corner to find yourself staring down the jaws of the Vlorvrax. At this point you make a witty remark, grasp you companion’s hand firmly, and run like the dickens.
Statham: Okay. (pauses to look mildly confused) why don’t I just beat him halfway to death?
Director: Well, that’s not how the Doctor works. He’s a pacifist, only resorts to violence when every other option has been tried. Two or three times.
Statham: Uh-huh… (a look of quiet rage slowly crosses his face) So, let me get this straight. One: you drag me down here and dress me like a poof…
Director: That’s a tad harsh…
Statham: Two: you give me this (holds up sonic screwdriver), which I always thought was some sort of amazing space-raygun that disintegrates people in an explosion of blood and guts, but then you tell me it’s a poncey friggin’ toy that’s can’t do nothing more deadly than irritate someone’s ears…
Director: We’re a family show…
Statham: Three: you give me a gorgeous piece of eye candy (gesturing to companion), but then tell me I don’t even get to snog her, much less bend her over the RETARD…
Director: TARDIS…
Statham: (ignoring him) console and fuck her proper…
Director: Again, family show. BBC1, 7PM.
Statham: And now you tell me I don’t ever get to beat the shit out of people?! I’m Jason fucking Statham, I am hired when people want people beaten into a bloody mass! What the fuck am I here for?!
Director: We thought you might be interested in branching out…
Statham, trained by years of action movie puns, beats the Director into a coma with the limb of a tree.
Director: Alright, Jason…in this scene, you run ’round the corner to find yourself staring down the jaws of the Vlorvrax. At this point you make a witty remark, grasp you companion’s hand firmly, and run like the dickens.
Statham: Okay. (pauses to look mildly confused) why don’t I just beat him halfway to death?
Director: Well, that’s not how the Doctor works. He’s a pacifist, only resorts to violence when every other option has been tried. Two or three times.
Statham: Uh-huh… (a look of quiet rage slowly crosses his face) So, let me get this straight. One: you drag me down here and dress me like a poof…
Director: That’s a tad harsh…
Statham: Two: you give me this (holds up sonic screwdriver), which I always thought was some sort of amazing space-raygun that disintegrates people in an explosion of blood and guts, but then you tell me it’s a poncey friggin’ toy that’s can’t do nothing more deadly than irritate someone’s ears…
Director: We’re a family show…
Statham: Three: you give me a gorgeous piece of eye candy (gesturing to companion), but then tell me I don’t even get to snog her, much less bend her over the RETARD…
Director: TARDIS…
Statham: (ignoring him) console and fuck her proper…
Director: Again, family show. BBC1, 7PM.
Statham: And now you tell me I don’t ever get to beat the shit out of people?! I’m Jason fucking Statham, I am hired when people want people beaten into a bloody mass! What the fuck am I here for?!
Director: We thought you might be interested in branching out…
Statham, trained by years of action movie puns, beats the Director into a coma with the limb of a tree.