I've been doing a lot of thinking lately &I'm really sick of making "custom friend groups" so I can talk to my "lover".
I'm really tired of infidelity. &I feel pretty cheap and disgusting. Its not what I wanted, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not ready to be engaged. &I'm not ready to start paying my own health insurance. It makes me really sick to think about the things I've done. &I still get sad thinking about what Ben did to me. I really want to give my entire life to someone &do it right. but I have so much doubt that my fiance is just like ben, and will drag me down. I guess this could be some sort of split form of "afraid of commitment". but that is not my fault. I was all about committment &loving people whole heartedly. All or nothing kind of girl. I'm supposed to be above the brokenhearted bullshit &"cheating".
I only slept with him once. &afterwards cried my eyes out. I have not told that to anyone, but I guess I don't really feel any better admiting it now. ___I guess I've sort of found a way to convince myself that it didn't really happen. because I didn't really want to &kind of felt obligated &it didnt last long. I have only seen him once since, &i've avoided him so much, unwantedly. My hands have not touched him &all I want is to get caught &be forgiven. "hungry for something else?" what the fuck kind of line is that?
I hated ben for not being honest and up front with me when he slept with six, seven different people... &I've hated him for it every single day since, &it makes me really sick to know that I've turned into my enemy. ___I need a preist. I need religion. I need compassion &I need to accept it.
I'm really tired of infidelity. &I feel pretty cheap and disgusting. Its not what I wanted, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not ready to be engaged. &I'm not ready to start paying my own health insurance. It makes me really sick to think about the things I've done. &I still get sad thinking about what Ben did to me. I really want to give my entire life to someone &do it right. but I have so much doubt that my fiance is just like ben, and will drag me down. I guess this could be some sort of split form of "afraid of commitment". but that is not my fault. I was all about committment &loving people whole heartedly. All or nothing kind of girl. I'm supposed to be above the brokenhearted bullshit &"cheating".
I only slept with him once. &afterwards cried my eyes out.
I have not told that to anyone, but I guess I don't really feel any better admiting it now. ___I guess I've sort of found a way to convince myself that it didn't really happen. because I didn't really want to &kind of felt obligated &it didnt last long. I have only seen him once since, &i've avoided him so much, unwantedly. My hands have not touched him &all I want is to get caught &be forgiven. "hungry for something else?" what the fuck kind of line is that?
I hated ben for not being honest and up front with me when he slept with six, seven different people... &I've hated him for it every single day since, &it makes me really sick to know that I've turned into my enemy. ___I need a preist. I need religion. I need compassion &I need to accept it.
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