I thought I was beyond all this...
I was talking with Stacey P. yesterday, and I asked her "Remember when you liked me in eighth grade?" Well, apparently she didn't. She was joking around telling me that someone liked me, but she didn't have the heart to tell me she was joking, because back then I had NO self-esteem. So she said it was her, but she was over it. Then she was like, "I can tell you this now, because you have self-esteem and a lot ot it. You've come a long way since Barre Town." And I thought about it. I do have a lot of self-esteem now, and I'm happy that I do. High school has been wonderful for my emotional well-being. If I had to go through some of the issues I've gone through since high school started and had to deal with them with the same amount of self-esteem I had in middle school, who knows where I would be? So now I dress like I want, act like I was, and I'm the person that I wanna be. But the dance last night sucked big time. Amelia and I requested the Grease Megamix, so we could do the dance from Grease. I was having fun with it until I discovered people that have hated me since I first entered the halls of Barre Town School making fun of us. And I realized something. When did my self-esteem start getting higher? When I was in drama and made friends like Aja, Tasha, Ainsley, Amelia, and Carly. No one in my own class would have had the power to do that. Last night I felt so bad. I didn't dance for the rest of the dance after that incident. So...what's gonna happen next year? And the year after? Amelia and Kristen and Angela and a lot of others will be gone next year. And when I'm senior there'll be no one there anymore. In my life, I've always needed someone older to look up to and learn from and be "myself" with. That's because I'm the oldest in my family and living with my younger siblings is like living in hell. So I've always reverted to hanging out with older people, whether it was my cousin, Danielle, Tim, Aja, Amelia, Ainsley, Jackie...but where will I be when they're gone? There won't be anyone older there to perk me up and build my self-esteem. So what's going to happen to me? If I care that much about what some stupid assholes said about me, what's going to happen when Amelia and Tom aren't there like they were last night? I'm so confused...and I thought I was beyond all this...