Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...
Earlier this week, I was really frustrated. I was at Jon's house with Candace and Ian, and it just felt wrong. I don't know, it may have just been because I was insanely tired, which is ultimately why I went home, but it wasn't right. I never realize just how much my friends and I have all changed until we're all together. It's in Jon that I feel it the most, though.
Jon has been my best friend for fourteen years. I'm not so dumb as to assume that things are always going to be like they were when we were six. The two of us have changed a lot over the years, but until two years ago, we went through all of our changes together. College just threw a huge dent in our friendship, and I think that even though we were edging toward it, we really went down our separate paths. There is no one at UVM that I am friends with who is remotely like Jon. And that's not because people like him don't exist; it's because I am not drawn to that type of people. I'm not that person anymore, and I don't have those interests. In high school, we were growing apart, but we were still pretty similar. And now that we're apart and given the chance to live our lives in a place that is not Barre, we both took the things that we did separately in high school and took them to the extremes. And now things are awkward between us. At least sometimes they are. Just the two of us hung out the other night for the first time in a long time, and things seemed fine. I'm not saying that we are never going to be friends again or we hate each other or we'll stop hanging out...but things are not the same as they used to be. Between any of us. And I think the faster that some of my friends from home realize that, the easier it will be in the years to come. I honestly never thought that I would think like this. But I am growing up and don't sugarcoat things for myself anymore.
On a sadder note, I was reading old journal entries today, and sometimes I really long for the way things used to be. I'm not going to elaborate any more than that, because I don't want to open up that stream of conversations, but there was a time when I was happy with who we both were, and even though I would never want things to be that way now, I sometimes want to go back.
I've been working at the Lotus Lake Discovery Center, which is so different from camp. It's fun, but it's a lot more work and a lot more rules. I'm thankful for Meghan, though. I never would have believed when I was younger than Meg and I would EVER be as close as we are now, but I love that girl so much. She makes me laugh when I need it most.
I think that what I need most right now is to be in Burlington and not remember any of the stuff that makes me nostalgic for the way things used to be. My life in Burlington and at UVM is by no means perfect, but I think I can honestly say that I have never spent a happier school year. I feel like I can finally be me with everyone and everywhere, and I don't have to hide anything about myself from anyone. I once said that the real me lies somewhere between my lives at Burlington and Barre and Lotus Lake, but really, I think it's all in Burlington. I even changed my location on LJ to Burlington today. When I'm here, I'm just a shell of myself. And I'm sorry if that makes my friends sad to hear that, but there is only person who has lived my life and understands how things have evolved for me, and that's me. I feel like so much happened to me this year, and I am a very different and much better person for it. Everything is an exciting adventure at UVM, from hanging out in the Green Room at the theatre to having my building erupt in flames. Everything and everyone challenges me and consoles me at the same time, and I have never been as truly happy anywhere else in my life. It makes me sad to think that, but there it is. I finally feel like I have grown up. Those scary words that I never wanted associated with my name. But it's true. I'm going to be 20 in five days, and I feel like a grown up for the first time in my life.
And I like it.
Jon has been my best friend for fourteen years. I'm not so dumb as to assume that things are always going to be like they were when we were six. The two of us have changed a lot over the years, but until two years ago, we went through all of our changes together. College just threw a huge dent in our friendship, and I think that even though we were edging toward it, we really went down our separate paths. There is no one at UVM that I am friends with who is remotely like Jon. And that's not because people like him don't exist; it's because I am not drawn to that type of people. I'm not that person anymore, and I don't have those interests. In high school, we were growing apart, but we were still pretty similar. And now that we're apart and given the chance to live our lives in a place that is not Barre, we both took the things that we did separately in high school and took them to the extremes. And now things are awkward between us. At least sometimes they are. Just the two of us hung out the other night for the first time in a long time, and things seemed fine. I'm not saying that we are never going to be friends again or we hate each other or we'll stop hanging out...but things are not the same as they used to be. Between any of us. And I think the faster that some of my friends from home realize that, the easier it will be in the years to come. I honestly never thought that I would think like this. But I am growing up and don't sugarcoat things for myself anymore.
On a sadder note, I was reading old journal entries today, and sometimes I really long for the way things used to be. I'm not going to elaborate any more than that, because I don't want to open up that stream of conversations, but there was a time when I was happy with who we both were, and even though I would never want things to be that way now, I sometimes want to go back.
I've been working at the Lotus Lake Discovery Center, which is so different from camp. It's fun, but it's a lot more work and a lot more rules. I'm thankful for Meghan, though. I never would have believed when I was younger than Meg and I would EVER be as close as we are now, but I love that girl so much. She makes me laugh when I need it most.
I think that what I need most right now is to be in Burlington and not remember any of the stuff that makes me nostalgic for the way things used to be. My life in Burlington and at UVM is by no means perfect, but I think I can honestly say that I have never spent a happier school year. I feel like I can finally be me with everyone and everywhere, and I don't have to hide anything about myself from anyone. I once said that the real me lies somewhere between my lives at Burlington and Barre and Lotus Lake, but really, I think it's all in Burlington. I even changed my location on LJ to Burlington today. When I'm here, I'm just a shell of myself. And I'm sorry if that makes my friends sad to hear that, but there is only person who has lived my life and understands how things have evolved for me, and that's me. I feel like so much happened to me this year, and I am a very different and much better person for it. Everything is an exciting adventure at UVM, from hanging out in the Green Room at the theatre to having my building erupt in flames. Everything and everyone challenges me and consoles me at the same time, and I have never been as truly happy anywhere else in my life. It makes me sad to think that, but there it is. I finally feel like I have grown up. Those scary words that I never wanted associated with my name. But it's true. I'm going to be 20 in five days, and I feel like a grown up for the first time in my life.
And I like it.