Do you ever feel like you've settled?
I do. Kind of. Like, in general. I settled for my school, I settled for my love life, and I settled for things that should be important to me.
I was thinking on the way to class today, "Why didn't I look around like I wanted to for colleges?" I had all of these big plans for going to Boston or New York or another city. But I'm in Burlington. At UVM. Why? Why didn't I at least try to get into those schools that I dreamed of going to? I could be out experiencing everything about being in those amazing places, but instead, I am here at my state's university, 45 minutes from the place that I was dying to be away from, and where has it gotten me? Feeling like I could have done something more. That I'm better than this. Am I?
And why do I always fall for the guys who hurt me the most? It sucks royally. Until yesterday, it didn't seem like I was going to get out of this downward spiral that I fell into a year ago. But then...oh god, why am I even trying to fool myself? Brian lives in Massachusetts. He may be the most fantastic guy that I have ever talked to, but he's so far away. It's scary that over the past two days, I've developed this crush on him. But I've never found it so easy to talk to someone as I do him. What the fuck is wrong with that? Nothing. Everything. I don't know. But I'm seriously considering grabbing a friend and heading down to Massachusetts next weekend. Crazy? Maybe? Definitely.
I miss everyone. It's so lonely up here. I don't feel at home unless I'm with Mary, Caroline, Holly or Abby. And that's really sad. I don't connect with anyone on my floor, and no one is real friendly in any of my classes. Which sucks. My acting class is the only one that I overly enjoy, and that only meets once a week. I'm just so done with everything. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. And I've settled for all of this. Which makes it even worse.
I was thinking on the way to class today, "Why didn't I look around like I wanted to for colleges?" I had all of these big plans for going to Boston or New York or another city. But I'm in Burlington. At UVM. Why? Why didn't I at least try to get into those schools that I dreamed of going to? I could be out experiencing everything about being in those amazing places, but instead, I am here at my state's university, 45 minutes from the place that I was dying to be away from, and where has it gotten me? Feeling like I could have done something more. That I'm better than this. Am I?
And why do I always fall for the guys who hurt me the most? It sucks royally. Until yesterday, it didn't seem like I was going to get out of this downward spiral that I fell into a year ago. But then...oh god, why am I even trying to fool myself? Brian lives in Massachusetts. He may be the most fantastic guy that I have ever talked to, but he's so far away. It's scary that over the past two days, I've developed this crush on him. But I've never found it so easy to talk to someone as I do him. What the fuck is wrong with that? Nothing. Everything. I don't know. But I'm seriously considering grabbing a friend and heading down to Massachusetts next weekend. Crazy? Maybe? Definitely.
I miss everyone. It's so lonely up here. I don't feel at home unless I'm with Mary, Caroline, Holly or Abby. And that's really sad. I don't connect with anyone on my floor, and no one is real friendly in any of my classes. Which sucks. My acting class is the only one that I overly enjoy, and that only meets once a week. I'm just so done with everything. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. And I've settled for all of this. Which makes it even worse.