I can't believe what you said to me, last night we were alone.

[ajrimmer_ssc]

WHO: Raven and Rimmer. Closed log.
WHERE: Lake Placid house, their bedroom.
WHEN: Backdated to the night of this post.
WARNINGS: Heavy theological content and philosophy. Discussion of souls. Discussion of humanity and demons. A couple in their pyjamas in bed. Yannow, the usual.
SUMMARY: Rimmer is none too keen on the fact that Raven seems to

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[ajrimmer_ssc]

Forget she was even there? God, Raven, are you even serious? He would never forget she was there, he'd never be able to do that. Part of him wanted to put the book down, snap off the light and turn his back on her, too, just so she could see what it felt like. Or demand that she talk to him. Anything. Anything at all. They could talk about the weather! Or what amusing things Lady did to Emilia today. Something. But he felt like she was closing him out for something that was...god, stupid, really, when you came right down to it! Discussions of souls were best left to men in long black robes who had long ago discovered that they'd rather be on their knees in a nice clean church than getting a real job.

His shoulders started to slump a bit, in tempo with his face falling in disappointment as well. And he knew that she could feel every second of it, what she was doing to him. And, in his own petty way, he was glad. She was being stubborn. Another fight. Another bloody fight.

They were getting married too soon. That was the bottom line, and he knew it. They needed more time to work out their compromise points, their philosophies, their...their everythings. He loved her so much...and he kept on failing her, disappointing her, doing all these nasty things that made her roll her eyes and then go bring in another male to live under this roof. Probably so she'd have a buffet of choice when she finally did dump him.

The frigid upset started to slide in to Arctic depression, black and midnight blue and howling.

[darkprophecies]

'Don't give in', was being replaced by 'Do you see what you're doing to him?' very quickly. She could feel the heat in her stomach and chest growing, the tightness and uncomfortable sensations of knowing she was doing something wrong, and knowing that the more she let it go on, the worse it would be. She wanted to still be stubborn and not give into him.

Azar be damned...

Very slowly she allowed herself to roll over, but absolutely refused to look up at him. One, she knew she'd be able to see the pain on his features if she did... and two, she was already ashamed of how she had been acting.

Now facing him, she curled into his side. Maybe he'd take that as a silent apology? Maybe? If she was lucky?

[ajrimmer_ssc]

For one brief, eternal moment, he had to resist the urge to scoot away from her. Or roll over and pretend to be asleep. But after that moment, he took one hand away from his book and put it gently on the top of her head. He didn't look down at her either, but instead kept his eyes on the page.

At the age of thirty-nine, Octavius was eligible to run for Praetor. According to flibble cloob blip beep tang marsh rammling...

The words turned to gibberish after he stared at them too hard, and he had to put the book down for a moment to rub at his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. And he sighed, a deep, weary sigh of defeat.

[darkprophecies]

"I love you... you know that, correct?"

Her voice just barely broke over the harsh silence. His emotions were getting to be too much for her, and she had to wonder if he knew the level it affected her at. He could get his way with almost anything if he threw the proper emotions at her, the ones that would make her crack and fold to his will.

"More than anything."

[ajrimmer_ssc]

There was another long pause, as he slowly lowered his hand, and then looked down at her.

"I know you do," he whispered back. "I love you, too. Very, very much. So much that I..."

He brutally cut himself off, though, and prevented himself from finishing that sentence. Because the next words out of his mouth were going to be the opening salvo of that conversation she didn't want to have. He was a petty, immature smegger sometimes, but even he knew he had to shut his damn mouth tonight or there would be consequences.

[darkprophecies]

She let that cut-off sentence sink in, and what emotions he was giving off at the time it was said. ... Okay. She had to stop this. This wasn't at all fair to him, and it was starting to have some backlash.

Very slowly she sat up, still against him, and tucked her chin onto his shoulder with a heavy sigh of her own.

"... it's okay, Arnold. Best to get it over with..."

[ajrimmer_ssc]

"No."

He automatically adjusted with her, slinking down a little lower so she wouldn't have to crane her neck to rest her chin on his shoulder. And he also rested the side of his face against hers, his temple against her forehead.

"You've made it very clear you don't want to talk about this. So we won't discuss it."

Even though he so desperately wanted to. It bothered him in some subtle and insidious ways, that she was being so adamant about this topic, that she had absolute, indelible proof of her soul, or lack thereof. Especially given his own status as a hologram. Her insistence that she wasn't like him in this area worried him, since they had so much else in common...stupid, but there it was.

[darkprophecies]

"Yet it will eat you alive and will eventually cause some sort of resentment. I know you."

She was in no hurry to pull away, or even move closer. The way they were sitting now was just fine - being close without being all over one another. How was she going to face this without there being another argument? No matter how she tried to phrase it in her mind, it always seemed to lead to that point.

... oh well.

"... so it's okay."

[ajrimmer_ssc]

He turned his number three raised eyebrow on her, the one that said, 'don't give me that smeg, missy, we are not amused.'

"What is this, emotional blackmail? Tonight you barely even look at me, don't say a word to me, and it's only when you can feel how depressed that makes me, that you reverse course so I don't give you a headache? Thanks, Raven. Thanks for nothing."

And then he realises how that sounds. Welp. She's got him pegged. Bitter resentment, table for one! He sighed again and shook his head.

"All right, fine. True. But you're the one who's been avoiding me all night. Why? Why aren't you willing to talk to me about this?"

[darkprophecies]

That resentment was enough to make her pull away. A couple of inches of breathing room between them seemed so sweet right now, just to work as a buffer against any more of those lines. ... although she knew she deserved it.

"Because... you seem to think what I believe is wrong... or... is a bad thing for me to believe." she grimaced a bit as the words came out.

"I'd like this to be something I can believe without people telling me I'm wrong."

[ajrimmer_ssc]

He stared at her in frank bafflement, as her logic and reasons sailed right over his head. She wanted to think she didn't have a soul? But...but why? Why was she so hell-bent on ignoring that all-too-important spark of humanity in her? Why wouldn't she accept that there was more to her than just the demon?

...Why was he the one to so loudly insist that he was less-than-human as a hologram? Because it was his own form of self-punishment, his figurative rosary beads to worry and gnaw on and count his guilts and his sins. In that one flash of insight, he got it, and the resentment melted into something considerably warmer. Something like...well, no, not pity, but fellow-feeling.

"Because everybody tells you you're always wrong about everything else, but everybody agrees that you have no soul, is that it?"

[darkprophecies]

"No, not at all." she gave him a bit of a look out of the corner of her eye. ... well, he was trying, anyway, that was for sure. She had to appreciate that part of him, the part that wanted to reach out and help her, or at least get on her level with things.

"I've talked to other demons, I've spoken with people like Lucifer, who knows my father better than I even do. I'm honestly fine with not having a soul, I feel it's a bit overrated now, after having time to think about it. Not having one is a part of who I am, and I can't change that."

[ajrimmer_ssc]

And this was why he was on shaky ground in this conversation. He didn't believe in God, he didn't really believe in heaven but was absolutely positive he rated hell. He'd died and been resurrected as a hologram, with a small gap in his consciousness and...nothing at all to fill that gap.

He was firmly of the opinion that he'd lost his soul the moment he'd died, and all their discussions to the contrary wouldn't convince him otherwise. But...in spite of his disbelief, in spite of his contradictory denial and simultaneous loathing of God...he wanted rest.

A reward. Justice. Peace. Torment. Something. Not a psuedo-immortality, wandering the Earth accumulating memories until he went mad. He wanted to know it was all worth something in the end. He wanted to know that...that if it came down to it, and he and Raven were separated by the 'Porter, that he'd have something, somehow, someday to look forward to, as he took possession of a shiny new ethereal body in heaven and had her at his side.

Which seemed to require a soul, to his way of thinking, as the price of admission. So if she didn't have one, his eternal reward was kind of pointless.

And he had no way to articulate this to her. But damn it, he was going to try.

"...And what about me? What about how I'm made now? My lack is just as much a part of who I am, and yet you're trying to talk me out of it too. Why? And don't give me that crap about me beating myself up over my lack of humanity. I've seen you do the same thing. Dozens of times. You are always castigating yourself over your demonic heritage. But what about your human heritage?"

[darkprophecies]

"My human heritage has nothing to do with this, Arnold. The demonic part of me controlled whether or not I got a soul, and I don't have one. This allows me to stay here, just... shift to another form and still stay with those I care about. Why wouldn't I want that? It's something about my demonic half that I actually like, and I don't enjoy people trying to take that away from me."

But that got off point... a point that was already off point to begin with, but if Arnold wanted so badly to drag himself into this discussion, then so be it. In her mind, this had nothing to do with him, but he was making it about him. Again. One of his flaws that she loved him in spite of.

"I still believe you have a soul. I thoroughly believe everything I told you. Do I have a way of knowing for sure with you? No. However I do believe it's there."

[ajrimmer_ssc]

Y...eah. The ego would out. He did warn you when this relationship started, after all. Sometimes he was so myopic as to give Mr. Magoo a run for his money.

"I'm not trying to take anything away from you! I'm trying to...to give you something! I'm trying to show you that you do have a soul. Without one...well, you'd be what Starscream said. A drone. And you're definitely not one of those."

He turned to her fully, now, rubbing at his chin distractedly, his book entirely forgotten.

"But...wait, hang on, there was something Joey said. Something about how he couldn't possess things without a soul. So he can't jump into...a can of cola or something. And he's able to possess your body easily enough, you said."

It was, what he thought, his trump card, using Joey's powers to bring her about to his way of thinking.

[darkprophecies]

Rather than the mention of Joey being an enlightening moment, a rather dark, dangerous cloud settled in over her eyes, and most of the color drained from her face. She had tried desperately to forget about that tie, about how that further made her point obvious to her.
Now she had to face it head on.

"He... can possess intellectual beings." she tried to choose her words carefully, but only the initial set came out that way, as the emotional tear turned into a gap at just having to talk about this subject.
"... he was fine jumping into those with souls, all right? Just fine. What happened when he began to make that link with me? I've told you all about that. I've been nothing but disaster for him, Arnold."