man I am no good at setting things up

[gardenerthief]

WHO: MU MU HAKYHOUSE AND GUESTS (so, basically anyone who is friends with any of the folks in the house can show up. :>
WHERE: A certain townhouse in Park Slope, Brooklyn.
WHEN: Backdated to Saturday, 2/19/11
WARNINGS: Toward the Terrangst, goofy shonen shenanigans, & Hiei.
SUMMARY: Now that the dust of Keith's Death By Heroes has settled, it's

Comments

(locked to matsuka)

[soldieringblue]

Blue felt them near well before entering the house and had begun to prepare early. He hadn't seen Matsuka or Bakura since Keith's death - if one could call that brief meeting anything more than 'seeing'. A flicker and a demand for peace and that was it. The rest of the evening was selfish and bitter until further intervention.

He'd agreed to try and change, hopefully for the better. To be something substantial beyond Soldier - whatever that could possibly end up being. He wasn't overly social, Mu though he was.

But he did want his comrades to be happy. Safe. If he had the means to do that by simply being alive and well, that counted for something, right? He tried to believe that, descending slowly down to the main level, head fixed in the direction of the front door where he could sense the several minds of familiar people.

/types around lapful of cat

[loveyourenemy]

Matsuka, too, felt Blue's presence well before he could see him, and not very long after following the other two inside he drifted a little away from them, extending a tentative thought towards Blue - a small thing not really framed in words so much as just the feeling of an anxious question, similar to what he'd already asked Kurama before even coming in: is this okay?

let the cat type too i'm sure he's great

[soldieringblue]

The notion was caught at the base of the stairs, almost immediately responded with a wave of concern and will - he wanted to know if Matsuka was safe and well. If he had suffered further outside of his watch.

He lingered by the staircase, palm on the wall as he leaned enough to see the suggestions of shapes mulling there. Of course it was alright; Blue was certain he could never turn one of his own away.

but I do not trust his characterization

[loveyourenemy]

The wave of relief was immediate. He'd been prepared to make a quick retreat if it seemed like his presence was causing Blue distress, and finding out otherwise - although he still worried about Leo - undid some of the knots tied in his stomach.

I'm... He wandered in the direction of the stairs as he tried to find the answer to give to Blue's concern. ...better, he decided. Thanks to you.

pff i will grill his hmd then

[soldieringblue]

Blue felt little cause to be thanked, even for his part in stopping Matsuka's emotional outbreak. He saw it as a second-best effort - a scrambling attempt to make up for missing time and moments to help before things got out of hand. Whether that help would've been meddling, though...The jury was still out on a lot of things, that included.

Relief echoed at the sight of him, even though he'd known him to arrive minutes before. Physical sight had its merits. It did cause some of his carefully-set guards to begin deteriorating right away, giving his neutral expression a wash of other things. The relief, continued concern, the guilt he still felt for his role in everything.

But he'd resolved to try. Whether it was to live up to the expectations of what he was supposed to be, or simply to reach a standard of something that could help at all - he'd decided to try.

"I'm-" he had to swallow to make his voice level. "I'm glad you're here, Jonah." I'm glad you're alright.

[loveyourenemy]

Matsuka tried to smile in answer to that, though it came out fragile and awkward. He carried his own guilt, and as the initial rush of relief ebbed, the guilt came rising up again, along with lingering worry, and he ended up bowing his head, not able to go on meeting blue's eyes.

"I couldn't stop Keith," he said quietly. "I'm sorry." The words felt useless, but he had to say it anyway.

[soldieringblue]

When Blue closed his eyes, he could still, in a way, see the guilt that colored the air around the both of them. Sensing so much from Matsuka only compelled him to feel more himself, but...stepping away, outside himself...how productive was it to continuously lament? It was exhausting work - the threat of it already weighing down his limbs.

His eyes opened as he exhaled, out with much of his selfish regrets.

"Responsibility over Keith Anyan falls on Keith Anyan," he said. "Not you. As an ally...as a friend, even. It only goes so far. You're not to blame for his decisions or actions, only for your own...And even in those, I...can't resent you for any of it." Blue's head tilted slightly. "You sense that, don't you?"

[loveyourenemy]

"...yes." It's impossible to doubt the truth of Blue's words when he was standing right there and Matsuka could feel it in his thoughts. "But I don't understand why."

Blue should have resented him, he couldn't help but think. Time after time, he'd reached out, and time after time Matsuka had disappointed him, staying at the side of his enemy.

In the end, all for nothing.

[soldieringblue]

Matsuka's thinking was understandable. It may not have been all that outlandish for Blue to resent or simply mistrust him after all that had come to pass, but it wasn't so. There was, however, a kind of deadening of emotion on his part, withdrawing the conflicts of self back toward himself and out of reach. It was his duty...or...certainly a deed to be done as a friend? He still wasn't sure how to approach it, so there was the only certain answer he had to offer.

"The Soldier looks at no Mu as an enemy," he said, his expression drained of the strain it held.

let me do this in the right tense

[loveyourenemy]

That withdrawal touched a raw nerve in Matsuka. It wasn't the same as the emptiness he'd felt in Keith, but it was close enough to bring the memory to mind, and he reached out towards Blue in a sudden, involuntary motion, stopping himself only a little short of actual touch. "Don't--"

[soldieringblue]

In the face of Matsuka's reaction, the placidity that was forced outward had hold for a very short amount of time. Blue's eyes darted to focus on the hand looking equally confused and concerned - an expression that stuck as attention was drawn back up to Matsuka's face. He hadn't thought his reply was completely wrong, but in the face of what he'd been told, if only in regard to Leo...

He certainly wasn't a doing a good job with the followthrough of his decisions, it seemed.

"I'm sorry," he said, looking vaguely chastised for a moment. The pause was almost instinct - where he'd be repeatedly told to stop apologizing for this or that. In that same vein

[loveyourenemy]

Matsuka faltered, and slowly let his hand drop. It was a relief that Blue had stopped pulling inside himself... but at the same time, it meant that the feelings that he'd been trying to shut down had to be addressed.

In spite of what Blue said, he felt guilty, and ashamed. He should feel guilty and ashamed. But if those feelings were causing Blue distress, then what could be done?

Empathy both helped and didn't help.

A shaky little smile came to his face, almost in spite of himself. "Shuichi said that we were probably thinking the same things," he murmured. "It seems like he was right after all."

[soldieringblue]

It took a second to connect Shuichi with Kurama, the second it took to blink away that flicker of disconnect. Ah.

His expression took on something almost sheepish - someone not used to being seen as an equal by his peers. The fear of causing disappointment was almost as strong as that wish to not cause guilt or shame at the time. "I have been called out on my shortcomings...as a friend. And that is the only apology that needs to be said here, I think."

Blue's head lowered a little, eyes drifting downward as he spoke. "I've spent a lot of time...trying to be something I must be...in another place. It doesn't work here. Not well. I've become...more of a deterrent than a support."

He forced his head to lift, looking Matsuka in the eye. "Jonah, I can't be upset with you for these things. Not the way they've passed. Not when you yourself told me it was your choice to help him, even if there was danger. You weren't being forced. You weren't...placed at his side by Lachesis

[loveyourenemy]

"...Even if it's the wrong one?" Matsuka wondered.

He brought his hands up, holding them against his chest, trying to take Blue's meaning to heart. Maybe he had been wrong from the beginning... but he tried to think about it in perspective with the lives of the Mu back in their own time, still ruled by Superior Domination. The freedom to make the wrong decisions... that was still better than not being free to choose at all, wasn't it?

It was more than Keith had, really.

"Since you've asked me..." he said slowly, "I'll try not to apologize any more." Not for that, at least.

[soldieringblue]

Blue was silent as the musing silence stretched, but he did nod at that notion. Any choice was better than none. And even that older self of his had said as such: one didn't know whether anything is for better or worse until it comes to pass.

...Of course, that may not apply to Blue himself much more, considering he had seen his future end. But for Matsuka's sake, it was true. And Blue wished it to remain true.

"Thank you," he said - he meant it. There was a lightening of emotion at that. "And I will try to be a better friend instead of simply Soldier. If that is acceptable to you."

[loveyourenemy]

Encouraged, if only a little, Matsuka ventured a smile. "I'd like that," he said with perfect sincerity, and perhaps a trace of relief - he'd never had the chance to experience the culture the Mu had built for themselves, never truly understood what 'Soldier' meant, and he couldn't help but think that, without that understanding, his efforts to reach back to Blue had caused him more distress than they'd done good. A friend, at least, was something he could perhaps manage to be.

He hoped.

"Thank you."