Dumbwitted albatrosses! Bagpipers! Stone jokers! Cope pirates! Mailfunctional Accordions!
I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand my class anymore. I can't stand my school anymore. It feels like I can only be alive at home. Like if the only time of the day where I can start get out from my protective silent secret "staring" to start act comedian/show host is when I get home.
This is because the fact that I have often been placed in the wrong crowd or that I did something others didn't get. When I was six years old I liked to ride the tricycle instead of doing sports. I didn't even knew curses back then. All this made the other kids act strangely against me and my naive me often got fooled or tricked by those who knew how to abuse it.
The first days in first grade I was eager to start. I am afraid my memories of this time is quite mudded because of the fact that I got bullied heavily through first grade to fifth grade without no parental figure to take notice. I do remember I cried alot when coming home, putting on whatever I listened to back at the time to feel better, sitting at my desk crying. If it wasn't because of the school I cried it was because of something else but it triggered my hate of actually being with those persons in school. The only reason for me to go to school probably was the fact that I wanted to learn things.
The crying however was something that disturbed other kids. Especially the boys of course. I could easily cry back then and I guess I got picked about it by other males.
Let us set this straight, every boy in my class, among other classes, said or did something to me. The girls didn't, most of them didn't atleast, do anything but they never understood that I was bullied. I only had a "shine of light" in a friend I knew until about second grade whereas he moved to another town. Hell was all over. The only guy I met during that period was a lying manipulative bastard who I had nothing in common with. But we where neighbours.
One of the first tendencies where I can remember that I couldn't understand how other where thinking was the time when I got an earring in the RIGHT ear. According to kids in general it is a symbol for you being gay. I was so proud of this earring and people just said negative things about it. I even got to hear from someone I didn't knew while standing in the everlong food line that said: "Did you know that if you got an earring in the right ear you're gay". Though I had asked my supportive mum about this and she said an good answer would be: "Which lawbook says that?". So Iw as able to answer it that time and nothing happend at all ever after.
I had a crush at this time. I was too shy to ask though. Eventually most boys in my class found out and it turned into another hell. I think they once asked this girl if she liked me and then said to me that she had asked me if I liked her. Anyway, I got to hear everyday about "Me blowing the chance" with that girl. What?
Once while walking home some of my "classmates" followed me and started to pick on me. Suddenly two grabs me and the third one takes on of these lasers pens and aim at my eye. I remember me closing my eye and trying to get away from there as fast as I could. Not turning my back.
The worst memory of this period: I stand waiting for a lesson to start. Suddenly I spot something yucky looking like puke on a ramp with me saying "Ugh, someone have puked there!". Two boys are standing besides me with one of them suddenly asking quickly "Oh, have you puked there?" with the second one exaggerating the expression of surprise. It all ends that everyone in my entire class, I think, stands at the end of the ramp screaming about "the fact that I puked on the ramp". I just stood there and took the shit without nowhere to go. Suddenly a teacher comes straight out from the building we stand at and says: "But what is this!? Do you really know that what you are doing is bullying?". This stops the crowd instantly.
Finally during the autumn turn of the fifth grade my home economics teacher notice that something is wrong in the class. She reports to my parents that I am being bullied. My parents are puzzled, the principal of the school quits, my third teacher I had quit and the school psychologist dies about two weeks in a car crash after he had talked to me.
This ended one of the darkest, perhaps the darkest, chapter of my life up to date. I was able to start a new different school. Or so I thought.
The new school, being the same as the school my cousin had been going to since first grade, was(and still is) a montessori school. Here everything was done so different. Own respnsibility, no lessons, teachers knew what you where doing.... I got confused at first.
I soon learned to make it with this new method of working and also getting a few new friends aswell as a few enemies aswell. I felt better. Really better.
But things started to change up as it seemed. I changed constantly when I think of it. New musical influences came into my life during 6th and 7th grade. Two of these where Aphex Twin and Frank Zappa. I listened close to nothing else but those two at the time. But my enemies never understood. On the other hand Aphex Twin was a respected artist among most people who disliked Zappa. This meant that I often couldn't get together with them well when they started to ask about Zappa. Nor did they understand when I got really mad when they labeled him as "shit music". I went emetionally underground because of this. I knew a crowd of nice people I could relate to at the time and even if the things the other people did or say to me and my friends I tried to not care about it.
I started to take care of school and homework. Mainly during 8th and 9th grade. Duirng this time I also expanded my interest in music and my musicianship. I became upgraded from "eJay bore" to "Amateur". I started to get into jazz, noise, electronic music and avant-garde music. Always reading on the net about genres and artists trying to imagine what they sounded like.
During this time I started to get attracted to a girl. I was never able to ask her if she liked me and I was probably the only guy who thought she where good looking while the other down to the bone rightwing sexists discussed boring matters I was often thinking of her. But I was shy and we where both different and I often took her hate of my musical taste far to literate. Especially when I got introduced to Tom Waits by my art teacher she poked fun at his style with tinking on a few glassbottles while saying "Look, I can play just as good as him!". Tssss.
During this time my cousin changed alot too. He has always been a very odd persona to me. I think that in the end none of us have understood eachother completely. This was the case even here. He could be quite and arse to anyone, even me, but now when thinking about it I don't care. He is much calmer now.
The best thing about this period is the fact that the amount of friends expanded in either way and I finally became glader and could enjoy myself. I looked forward to begin in Gymnasiet.
During the first days in "first ring" I felt openminded and eager to start conversations. But soon I was going to pay for this new attitude. I had naively thought that the people in my class where real art people. But they only went to this class because of the slacker attitude of it or because of bad grades. During first ring I changed even more than ever. I changed dressing style, interests, friends and political beliefs changed in such a speed that I almost thought I would fall of the wheel. I enjoyed new interest in Noise music, punk, experimental music, world music, synth pop and more avant-garde music. Though my diversity when doing mixcd's often made my classmates become outrageous and turn it off.
Aswell as some good relationships I found some enemies. This time I had experienced bad sides of both sexes but I thought it would be a change this time since my class(Not counting the paralell musicclass) have 12 girls and 4 boys with me counted. But I discovered soon that the girls in this class never where the ones I wanted to spend spare time with. Either they picked on me and during the first part of first ring I got depressed and didn't knew what to do. I wrote some shitty lines on the side of my desk, my notebooks and on any paper. My creativity ceased to exist. I found new ways of expressing this kind of trashy feelings I had in collages and made collages on my spare time often. These collages where completely random. I painted something or drew something and then just ripped it all apart and began to rebuildt it all again. It worked for me because I loved puzzling it together. Always in a new way.
Quite soon a girl in the musicclass started to show interest in me. I felt happy. Finally I would have a girlfriend! She took me out of the depression. At first I thought it would last long but she turned into something else. Sometimes I wonder why I took the shit. Anyhow I like what we had.
In second ring, which is now, I am feeling more depserate to flee the reality of the class. Not only are they still the boring quasi-culturalists but they are also helplessly moralists. It does get enough. But the scars of first ring lives still in my memory and I look at them with a sort of disgust. But they look at me like if they don't understand what they have done or what I am doing. They simply don't get it. I don't want to see the faces of them. I don't want to have to listen to the endlessly boring conversations incorporation a fascination of exploitation films, boring sex jokes and whatnot. I simply can't get it. Do they really have to laugh at the same joke like 9 times in a row? I simply don't understand it. Plus, the music they choose to play during artclass, are downtempo and depressing. I don't want to hear sad crap combined with glad crap.
I can't simply stand it. I can't be me along with them. The worsest thing is that we're going to Paris during the late summer. TOGETHER as a class. I wonder if I will freak out. I might try and spend as much time I can with my teacher and the only person I actually enjoy being with from my artclass outside the place we're going to stay at to help time go by. But if my class mates are going to get drunk, talk about boring sex jokes and simple politics or whatever might find THEIR interests I will certainly sleep on the streets.
This is because the fact that I have often been placed in the wrong crowd or that I did something others didn't get. When I was six years old I liked to ride the tricycle instead of doing sports. I didn't even knew curses back then. All this made the other kids act strangely against me and my naive me often got fooled or tricked by those who knew how to abuse it.
The first days in first grade I was eager to start. I am afraid my memories of this time is quite mudded because of the fact that I got bullied heavily through first grade to fifth grade without no parental figure to take notice. I do remember I cried alot when coming home, putting on whatever I listened to back at the time to feel better, sitting at my desk crying. If it wasn't because of the school I cried it was because of something else but it triggered my hate of actually being with those persons in school. The only reason for me to go to school probably was the fact that I wanted to learn things.
The crying however was something that disturbed other kids. Especially the boys of course. I could easily cry back then and I guess I got picked about it by other males.
Let us set this straight, every boy in my class, among other classes, said or did something to me. The girls didn't, most of them didn't atleast, do anything but they never understood that I was bullied. I only had a "shine of light" in a friend I knew until about second grade whereas he moved to another town. Hell was all over. The only guy I met during that period was a lying manipulative bastard who I had nothing in common with. But we where neighbours.
One of the first tendencies where I can remember that I couldn't understand how other where thinking was the time when I got an earring in the RIGHT ear. According to kids in general it is a symbol for you being gay. I was so proud of this earring and people just said negative things about it. I even got to hear from someone I didn't knew while standing in the everlong food line that said: "Did you know that if you got an earring in the right ear you're gay". Though I had asked my supportive mum about this and she said an good answer would be: "Which lawbook says that?". So Iw as able to answer it that time and nothing happend at all ever after.
I had a crush at this time. I was too shy to ask though. Eventually most boys in my class found out and it turned into another hell. I think they once asked this girl if she liked me and then said to me that she had asked me if I liked her. Anyway, I got to hear everyday about "Me blowing the chance" with that girl. What?
Once while walking home some of my "classmates" followed me and started to pick on me. Suddenly two grabs me and the third one takes on of these lasers pens and aim at my eye. I remember me closing my eye and trying to get away from there as fast as I could. Not turning my back.
The worst memory of this period: I stand waiting for a lesson to start. Suddenly I spot something yucky looking like puke on a ramp with me saying "Ugh, someone have puked there!". Two boys are standing besides me with one of them suddenly asking quickly "Oh, have you puked there?" with the second one exaggerating the expression of surprise. It all ends that everyone in my entire class, I think, stands at the end of the ramp screaming about "the fact that I puked on the ramp". I just stood there and took the shit without nowhere to go. Suddenly a teacher comes straight out from the building we stand at and says: "But what is this!? Do you really know that what you are doing is bullying?". This stops the crowd instantly.
Finally during the autumn turn of the fifth grade my home economics teacher notice that something is wrong in the class. She reports to my parents that I am being bullied. My parents are puzzled, the principal of the school quits, my third teacher I had quit and the school psychologist dies about two weeks in a car crash after he had talked to me.
This ended one of the darkest, perhaps the darkest, chapter of my life up to date. I was able to start a new different school. Or so I thought.
The new school, being the same as the school my cousin had been going to since first grade, was(and still is) a montessori school. Here everything was done so different. Own respnsibility, no lessons, teachers knew what you where doing.... I got confused at first.
I soon learned to make it with this new method of working and also getting a few new friends aswell as a few enemies aswell. I felt better. Really better.
But things started to change up as it seemed. I changed constantly when I think of it. New musical influences came into my life during 6th and 7th grade. Two of these where Aphex Twin and Frank Zappa. I listened close to nothing else but those two at the time. But my enemies never understood. On the other hand Aphex Twin was a respected artist among most people who disliked Zappa. This meant that I often couldn't get together with them well when they started to ask about Zappa. Nor did they understand when I got really mad when they labeled him as "shit music". I went emetionally underground because of this. I knew a crowd of nice people I could relate to at the time and even if the things the other people did or say to me and my friends I tried to not care about it.
I started to take care of school and homework. Mainly during 8th and 9th grade. Duirng this time I also expanded my interest in music and my musicianship. I became upgraded from "eJay bore" to "Amateur". I started to get into jazz, noise, electronic music and avant-garde music. Always reading on the net about genres and artists trying to imagine what they sounded like.
During this time I started to get attracted to a girl. I was never able to ask her if she liked me and I was probably the only guy who thought she where good looking while the other down to the bone rightwing sexists discussed boring matters I was often thinking of her. But I was shy and we where both different and I often took her hate of my musical taste far to literate. Especially when I got introduced to Tom Waits by my art teacher she poked fun at his style with tinking on a few glassbottles while saying "Look, I can play just as good as him!". Tssss.
During this time my cousin changed alot too. He has always been a very odd persona to me. I think that in the end none of us have understood eachother completely. This was the case even here. He could be quite and arse to anyone, even me, but now when thinking about it I don't care. He is much calmer now.
The best thing about this period is the fact that the amount of friends expanded in either way and I finally became glader and could enjoy myself. I looked forward to begin in Gymnasiet.
During the first days in "first ring" I felt openminded and eager to start conversations. But soon I was going to pay for this new attitude. I had naively thought that the people in my class where real art people. But they only went to this class because of the slacker attitude of it or because of bad grades. During first ring I changed even more than ever. I changed dressing style, interests, friends and political beliefs changed in such a speed that I almost thought I would fall of the wheel. I enjoyed new interest in Noise music, punk, experimental music, world music, synth pop and more avant-garde music. Though my diversity when doing mixcd's often made my classmates become outrageous and turn it off.
Aswell as some good relationships I found some enemies. This time I had experienced bad sides of both sexes but I thought it would be a change this time since my class(Not counting the paralell musicclass) have 12 girls and 4 boys with me counted. But I discovered soon that the girls in this class never where the ones I wanted to spend spare time with. Either they picked on me and during the first part of first ring I got depressed and didn't knew what to do. I wrote some shitty lines on the side of my desk, my notebooks and on any paper. My creativity ceased to exist. I found new ways of expressing this kind of trashy feelings I had in collages and made collages on my spare time often. These collages where completely random. I painted something or drew something and then just ripped it all apart and began to rebuildt it all again. It worked for me because I loved puzzling it together. Always in a new way.
Quite soon a girl in the musicclass started to show interest in me. I felt happy. Finally I would have a girlfriend! She took me out of the depression. At first I thought it would last long but she turned into something else. Sometimes I wonder why I took the shit. Anyhow I like what we had.
In second ring, which is now, I am feeling more depserate to flee the reality of the class. Not only are they still the boring quasi-culturalists but they are also helplessly moralists. It does get enough. But the scars of first ring lives still in my memory and I look at them with a sort of disgust. But they look at me like if they don't understand what they have done or what I am doing. They simply don't get it. I don't want to see the faces of them. I don't want to have to listen to the endlessly boring conversations incorporation a fascination of exploitation films, boring sex jokes and whatnot. I simply can't get it. Do they really have to laugh at the same joke like 9 times in a row? I simply don't understand it. Plus, the music they choose to play during artclass, are downtempo and depressing. I don't want to hear sad crap combined with glad crap.
I can't simply stand it. I can't be me along with them. The worsest thing is that we're going to Paris during the late summer. TOGETHER as a class. I wonder if I will freak out. I might try and spend as much time I can with my teacher and the only person I actually enjoy being with from my artclass outside the place we're going to stay at to help time go by. But if my class mates are going to get drunk, talk about boring sex jokes and simple politics or whatever might find THEIR interests I will certainly sleep on the streets.