Supernatural: Actus Spei
Title: Actus Spei (Act of Hope)
Rating: G
Count: 641
Spoilers: Nope
Notes: I'm sorry, but Latin? Is hot. Particularly ecclesiastical Latin. Yes, I'm going to hell for that--I blame the Catholic schools. Also, it's not necessarily standard practice to say a Confiteor before praying the rosary, but, at least where I come from, it's considered a decent idea. You can find out more than you've ever wanted to know about the Confiteor here. Though why you'd want to do that...
Also, it's 5:50am, and I've been up all night. That's a good indication of where this came from. :-P I'm not totally happy with the format, and if you see any errors, let me know.
It's four am and Sam is in a chair, staring through ragged curtains and waiting for the birds. Holding off sleep with self-recrimination. Listening to the highway and the silence, grasping at Dad's Journal to like a shield to keep the nightmares at bay. Not that it matters. He can almost manage a wry smile, and he's half-satisfied with that. With the Winchester walls closing down around him.
There's a rosary in Dad's Journal. He's been playing with it for days. Plucking at the beads, running the chain through his hands. But he never prays. He's beyond that. Beyond redemption.
Pastor Jim's voice in his head is so loud he starts, checks his gun, looks around. God has a plan, he will always find a way. You must have hope.
Of course, he was usually talking to Dad, quiet in corners, or to a sad-eyed congregant amidst an everyday tragedy, or to one of a hundred other people. But he never had to say that to Sam. He's always had hope. Always had something to hold onto. But now Dean's asleep and Dad's missing and Jess is dead and there's nobody. Nothing. Just the journal and the soft clicking of beads.
The words are so easy. So easy, even in Latin. He once looked up the English, one day bored at school. He almost felt guilty about that. But the Winchesters never had much use for churches or sermons. No use for prayer--just words to keep the evil away. Pastor Jim shook his head and took them in, all the same.
Sam closes his eyes.
Confiteor Deo omnipotenti et vobis fratres quia peccavi nimis cogitatione verbo opere et omissione. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
I confess to Almighty God, and to you my brothers, that I have sinned through my own fault. (it's all my fault, it's always been my fault) In my thoughts and in my words (a thousand little bullets bleeding Dean. Bleeding Dad) In what I have done and in what I have failed to do (Jess, oh Jess, forgive me, Jess)
Ideo precor beatam Mariam semper Virginem--
I ask Blessed Mary, ever virgin (help me mom, give me strength, I love you mom)
Ideo precor beatam Mariam semper Virginem omnes angelos et Sanctos et vobis fratres orare pro me ad Dominum Deum nostrum.
I ask Blessed Mary, ever virgin, and all the angels and saints (St Jude, patron of lost causes) and you my brothers (please wake up Dean please wake up please) to pray for me to the Lord our God. (even if he won't listen. Dean tell me it'll be ok)
Sam's fingers find the first bead.
Ave Maria, gratia plena...
Hail Mary, full of grace...
But it's not mom he's thinking about. It's Jess. It's Dean and Dad and every person he's ever failed. Each whispered prayer is a sin expiated. One hand pulls the chain through the fingers of the other and he doesn't notice the long-worn valleys in the glass until he's done.
...ora pro nobis peccatoribus nunc et in hora mortis nostrae.
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Whenever that is. It doesn't matter anymore. 'Safe' is just another four-letter word.
In nomine Patris
In the name of the Father. (dad, I miss you. dad, I'm sorry)
Et Filii
And of the Son. (this is who I am. this is what I do)
Et Spiritus Sancti
And of the Holy Spirit. (Dean rolls over in his sleep. Dean, who holds the world together with his smile and his shoulders. Dean rolls over and reaches out.)
But it's enough. They'll get through this. Somehow. Sam threads the rosary carefully back into Dad's journal. He lays down beside Dean, breathes with him, falls asleep smiling. There will be no dreams this night.
Amen.
Rating: G
Count: 641
Spoilers: Nope
Notes: I'm sorry, but Latin? Is hot. Particularly ecclesiastical Latin. Yes, I'm going to hell for that--I blame the Catholic schools. Also, it's not necessarily standard practice to say a Confiteor before praying the rosary, but, at least where I come from, it's considered a decent idea. You can find out more than you've ever wanted to know about the Confiteor here. Though why you'd want to do that...
Also, it's 5:50am, and I've been up all night. That's a good indication of where this came from. :-P I'm not totally happy with the format, and if you see any errors, let me know.
It's four am and Sam is in a chair, staring through ragged curtains and waiting for the birds. Holding off sleep with self-recrimination. Listening to the highway and the silence, grasping at Dad's Journal to like a shield to keep the nightmares at bay. Not that it matters. He can almost manage a wry smile, and he's half-satisfied with that. With the Winchester walls closing down around him.
There's a rosary in Dad's Journal. He's been playing with it for days. Plucking at the beads, running the chain through his hands. But he never prays. He's beyond that. Beyond redemption.
Pastor Jim's voice in his head is so loud he starts, checks his gun, looks around. God has a plan, he will always find a way. You must have hope.
Of course, he was usually talking to Dad, quiet in corners, or to a sad-eyed congregant amidst an everyday tragedy, or to one of a hundred other people. But he never had to say that to Sam. He's always had hope. Always had something to hold onto. But now Dean's asleep and Dad's missing and Jess is dead and there's nobody. Nothing. Just the journal and the soft clicking of beads.
The words are so easy. So easy, even in Latin. He once looked up the English, one day bored at school. He almost felt guilty about that. But the Winchesters never had much use for churches or sermons. No use for prayer--just words to keep the evil away. Pastor Jim shook his head and took them in, all the same.
Sam closes his eyes.
Confiteor Deo omnipotenti et vobis fratres quia peccavi nimis cogitatione verbo opere et omissione. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
I confess to Almighty God, and to you my brothers, that I have sinned through my own fault. (it's all my fault, it's always been my fault) In my thoughts and in my words (a thousand little bullets bleeding Dean. Bleeding Dad) In what I have done and in what I have failed to do (Jess, oh Jess, forgive me, Jess)
Ideo precor beatam Mariam semper Virginem--
I ask Blessed Mary, ever virgin (help me mom, give me strength, I love you mom)
Ideo precor beatam Mariam semper Virginem omnes angelos et Sanctos et vobis fratres orare pro me ad Dominum Deum nostrum.
I ask Blessed Mary, ever virgin, and all the angels and saints (St Jude, patron of lost causes) and you my brothers (please wake up Dean please wake up please) to pray for me to the Lord our God. (even if he won't listen. Dean tell me it'll be ok)
Sam's fingers find the first bead.
Ave Maria, gratia plena...
Hail Mary, full of grace...
But it's not mom he's thinking about. It's Jess. It's Dean and Dad and every person he's ever failed. Each whispered prayer is a sin expiated. One hand pulls the chain through the fingers of the other and he doesn't notice the long-worn valleys in the glass until he's done.
...ora pro nobis peccatoribus nunc et in hora mortis nostrae.
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Whenever that is. It doesn't matter anymore. 'Safe' is just another four-letter word.
In nomine Patris
In the name of the Father. (dad, I miss you. dad, I'm sorry)
Et Filii
And of the Son. (this is who I am. this is what I do)
Et Spiritus Sancti
And of the Holy Spirit. (Dean rolls over in his sleep. Dean, who holds the world together with his smile and his shoulders. Dean rolls over and reaches out.)
But it's enough. They'll get through this. Somehow. Sam threads the rosary carefully back into Dad's journal. He lays down beside Dean, breathes with him, falls asleep smiling. There will be no dreams this night.
Amen.