explination and other random babbling
well the story goes like this.... my ex is a total dick and every time things between us get kinda serious or tuff he splits and I'm always left cleanin up some type of mess when he's done. I don't know why he keeps coming back, but, he does and I always forgive him and so thats why I disappeared last time. Sorry guys... I'm kind of a one track mind kinda girl... you know tunnel vision and so on...well he did it again on 12-23-04 and came back like a week ago, maybe a while more, I don't know... He's not my boyfriend this time tho???? Now I guess hes just the guy I share all my intimate moments with.... It's a huge issue for me to be loose like that, at least with someone I've been with off and on for the better part of a year. I've lost the security of my relationship and I'm very confused.... I'm still pretty dedicated to him even though I feel like the worlds biggest schmuck for it sometimes. It's like free trade of relationship-like favors, you know we take care of each other but keep it fair, but without the responsibility of the relationship. I dunno, I think maybe I should get rid of him... hes more trouble than he's worth in gold thats for certain. The big problem with that is how do you send someone packin who you care about even if they are detrimental to you? It hurts either way, damned if ya do and damned if ya don't. I feel like I should do the same to him... run off, change my number, be plane missing for awhile then call him up and be like "Oh Baby, do you know how much I've missed you? I'm so sorry but there was a problem with......" (this business, or that person, or anything really any excuse for why he'd been gone.) Not an easy situation for me to deal with... treating me like nothing?.... testing my pations?...what, what the fuck is he doin? I know what he's doin, he's driving me crazy. So how do I cope you ask... binge shop and sexually purge. The first time he ran off is when I was really broke so I started stripping... believe it or not it does amazing things for the self-esteem. I actually am more self-confident now. More comfortable with myself sexually, physically and mentally. Most people would look at it as a horrible life choice but for me it's been a very fruitful venture... I sat down and calculated how much i make from the worst nights to the best nights and it came out from 50k-65k yearly with that being tax free because I choose not to collect a payroll check thats only worth like a hundred bucks a week. Actually, I have a regular customer who happens to be a tax man as well and he told me without a money trail like a payroll check the government can't try to tax me for really anything but if i pull a check in my name then they'll try to tax me on my tips which also means that I'd have to get a signed notarized paper stating how much I make in tips from my manager. I'm not so scared of tax evasion now. The guys gonna do my taxes for free, that rocks. My job does have its days where I hate it but for the most part its like all perks... I get to bitch if I didn't make more than 200$ in 6 hours. I have a guy who comes in a couple times a week to pay me to rub my feet and give me pedicures all while he tips me.... sure he wants to bite my toes and thats kinda weird but most of the people in the club act weird even if they're not. Hhhhmmmmm. Life is very complicated... I was hoping it'd have a cheat sheet, a food drive or an *easy* button like the Staples commercial.