Tis the season
I really hate to be too negative. I am trying very hard to move negativity, in general, completely out of my life. But... it's Christmas and when you get right down to it, I fucking hate this time of year.
I know that's not what I should be blogging right now - everyone's all shits-n-giggles this time of year. But I don't think it's all that. I really don't. There are a lot of people who can't afford a real Christmas - turkey, shiny new gifts, etc. There are a lot of people who don't have anyone to celebrate with. There are a lot of people who, like me, are forced by convention to spend this time of year with people that don't like them and that they don't like.
The fact is, my family is dysfunctional. 110%. And some members of my family simply are not good people. There's a reason why we all live as far away from each other as possible. But at Christmas we all get together and try to kill each other emotionally and sometimes even physically. With me, the consequences are grim. Every year my parents spend 10 days with my brother and 10 days with me. (He gets em from today until the 29th and I get them from the 29th until the 7th) And every year that they stay with me, I end up making at least one trip to the emergency. See, Crohns is aggrivated by stress. My parents = my stress.
Last year I swore to myself that I would never ever spend another Christmas with them. And I didn't plan to - but my dad got sick and it looks like this is his last Christmas. So... I hop on the greyhound and head to my brother's next Thursday. He's still going to be a malicious drunk, and I'm still going to get all hurt and sad and angry, but... well, I guess I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try. So this is my trying....
I've started taking bowel medication now as a pre-emptive strike. So I still deal with the emotional train wreck that is my oblivious mother, my alcoholic father and my anger (talk about a dangerous mix) but at least this year my ass shouldn't explode. (funny, but true).
And just so I don't make anyone suicidal with this whole post here's something relatively happy:
What I do enjoy about this season is buying gifts for other people - even the ones I can't stand spending time with, I still love buyging them something i know they'll love. I'm done almost everyone except my brother and my landlords. (They're the family I wish I had).
For the Landlords:
I'm getting their newborn an outfit (cuz she's only 1 months and I got her a toy when she was born). They're 2 year old's getting something play-doh related (she's obsessed with it) and the parents are getting a letter M for their mantel and a bottle of wine. (See they've got an H on their mantel for their daughter Hannah but they just had Maddie and don't have a M so I'm getting it for them).
The Bro:
My brother's getting ties cuz sadly that's what he wants. *sigh* I remember when he wanted an electric guitar and a Kiss t-shirt... times have changed.
I know that's not what I should be blogging right now - everyone's all shits-n-giggles this time of year. But I don't think it's all that. I really don't. There are a lot of people who can't afford a real Christmas - turkey, shiny new gifts, etc. There are a lot of people who don't have anyone to celebrate with. There are a lot of people who, like me, are forced by convention to spend this time of year with people that don't like them and that they don't like.
The fact is, my family is dysfunctional. 110%. And some members of my family simply are not good people. There's a reason why we all live as far away from each other as possible. But at Christmas we all get together and try to kill each other emotionally and sometimes even physically. With me, the consequences are grim. Every year my parents spend 10 days with my brother and 10 days with me. (He gets em from today until the 29th and I get them from the 29th until the 7th) And every year that they stay with me, I end up making at least one trip to the emergency. See, Crohns is aggrivated by stress. My parents = my stress.
Last year I swore to myself that I would never ever spend another Christmas with them. And I didn't plan to - but my dad got sick and it looks like this is his last Christmas. So... I hop on the greyhound and head to my brother's next Thursday. He's still going to be a malicious drunk, and I'm still going to get all hurt and sad and angry, but... well, I guess I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try. So this is my trying....
I've started taking bowel medication now as a pre-emptive strike. So I still deal with the emotional train wreck that is my oblivious mother, my alcoholic father and my anger (talk about a dangerous mix) but at least this year my ass shouldn't explode. (funny, but true).
And just so I don't make anyone suicidal with this whole post here's something relatively happy:
What I do enjoy about this season is buying gifts for other people - even the ones I can't stand spending time with, I still love buyging them something i know they'll love. I'm done almost everyone except my brother and my landlords. (They're the family I wish I had).
For the Landlords:
I'm getting their newborn an outfit (cuz she's only 1 months and I got her a toy when she was born). They're 2 year old's getting something play-doh related (she's obsessed with it) and the parents are getting a letter M for their mantel and a bottle of wine. (See they've got an H on their mantel for their daughter Hannah but they just had Maddie and don't have a M so I'm getting it for them).
The Bro:
My brother's getting ties cuz sadly that's what he wants. *sigh* I remember when he wanted an electric guitar and a Kiss t-shirt... times have changed.