Ms.AC
Potassium 7.6. Createnine >800. Renal failure.
Still here in the hospital. Waiting to die.
God love her. Me, her angel, I can do it. "If anyone can do if, you can. I trust you."
I cannot cure her bladder cancer, and I can never surpass her perfect soul, her eternal optimism. At 87, she's my age. After leaving her husband, a war bride, at the age of 65, she had begun to live.
Now tonight. Unsettled all day. Compelled to see where she was. Then I saw. Renal failure.
To her chart. I did not want to be surprised. "pt does not wish treatment. States it's time to go."
To her room. Withered. Eyes glazed. Pupils fixed. But fighting. Trembling. Having visions. We clasp hands. She knows me, but loses her words. "It's Natalie." I've lost the usual tagline of Dr. MacLean. She peers, knowing, afraid, stoping to scratch at the bugs in her bed, the spirits floating through the air in her reality.
"You're beautiful, Amy." Her heart. You have taught me much about life and spirit and happiness. She fights everyday for happiness, and refuses to let anyone take from her ever again.
Even in her tremor, her corea, there is intent. When she is focused, she clasps my hands with strength. Fear?
We sit. 20 minutes in silence. Looking in each others' eyes. She fights with her memory, her body, her visions. The truth. I know she is able to focus more when words are exchanged, and I am impotent as they all well info the lump forming in my throat. They flee in my tears. Talking is futile. It would hinder communication.
"It's time to rest."
"You. You. You can get me out of this. This means. A sign."
She locks her gaze. She reaches for my heart. She holds hers. Her conviction cuts the fog.
"You remember. You remember."
"You have taught me so much. Yes. Yes."
We hug. She has the embrace of a mother bear. This feels like all the other times, except now I do not feel wrong for being so close. She is not my patient anymore. She is my friend. We have talked about life and love and children and happiness. And death.
"I love you. You know that."
"I love you too. Goodnight sweetheart."
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