♫ cycles of love
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I don't usually watch youtube videos or follow any specific vlogger, but this is definitely something I can see that happens, so I wanted to share it with you all. It's something I feel I've experienced in my time in fandom, both as a fan of people and material they've created, and as someone who has produced material myself. I definitely know what it's like to find stuff online that's brightened my day, and I've written my fair share of love letters to people who have done things I admire, things that have made me happy, and things that I wish i could have done had I just had the courage. And I've befriended some of those people. And some of those relationships have been very meaningful. Not all of them, of course, but some of them. And some of those relationships will always feel a bit odd to me because they are relationships that have, at their core, a kind of respect that I will never be able to wipe out of my eyes when looking at those people, and I know, really fundamentally, that I will never be able to be friends with someone who I think I have nothing to offer. I will always see our relationship is inherently unequal. And that's not...really a friendship, in my opinion. I don't know what those other people think of my perspective because I've never mentioned it. But a friendship is a two way street, and no matter how hard someone else tries, if I've got a block at my end, the traffic won't flow.
"You're just not for me now" is something I can really get, especially as someone who, I think, spends much of my time putting myself out there. It's weird because I simultaneously ask people not to expect very much of me and give people bits of myself. I express myself in stories that I share with people who are not actually interested in me, but are interested in the characters we share. The fandom, in a sense. And so while I lock my personal blog posts and try and refrain from forming lasting connections with people just because I frankly do not feel like I have much to offer a group of people on the internet, I also give you quite a lot of myself. And I know that knowing that people like those bits of myself is rewarding, reassuring, exciting, and exhilarating.
Some of you have really made my days bright and shining. Some of you have come to the rescue by sending me a random message or comment or link or whatever. You didn't know I was having a bad day. I didn't tell you. But the fact that I brightened a bit of your day--the fact that you told me I managed to help you though something--seriously brought a smile to my face. I don't particularly have low self esteem, I just tend not to think that I can offer people much by way of comfort or fun because I'm not a very comfortable or fun person. The internet has given me an amazing way to learn how to do that, and while writing fanfiction and blog posts has always been something I do primarily for me, sometimes--just sometimes--I do it for you too.
And I know people have moved on from me, in a sense. From my fanfiction, my fandoms, my life, my friendship. I know that what I have had to offer people has not been enough, sometimes, and I used to get really sad and beat myself up over that. I used to track the way my relationships with people would inevitably collapse, and I'd wonder what was wrong with me, what could I do to make everyone else happier. How could I change?
I had some kind of personal revelation a few weeks ago. I'm kind of happy! Like, I know I have been a crappy friend. I know it's been especially hard to be my friend when I abandon social networking for days (weeks, months) at a time (often without warning) and ignore messages and never reply to people in a timely manner. I know it's hard to watch someone whose work you used to enjoy, someone you used to like both personally and creatively, and realize that you're not....a fan of their creative work anymore. And maybe you're not even a fan of their personality. And maybe you need space. And maybe you're going to say goodbye. And maybe I haven't given you enough attention, and maybe that goodbye slips off my radar. Maybe you've sent me messages and I just physically don't know how to respond--I'm like that, you know. I feel traumatized when I look at a full email inbox. I will literally do almost anything--clean, run errands, exercise--anything to avoid pressing social obligations like answering emails. And I have conversations with you in my head--I write long replies I don't send. And I actually beat myself up over conversations I haven't even had with people--conversations I invented. And that is stupid and I am pretty stupid.
But right now I'm sort of happy with the creative stuff I produce and the way I go about producing it. I like the arm's length distance I maintain. I like that some of you have broken me down and figured me out and wrangled my phone number out of me/met me in real life (we're counting three people, going on four in, count it, eleven days). I like that some of you respect my privacy, my crippling fear of people (especially those of you who I've met in real life and watched me have a minor breakdown trying to remember how to say hello and goodbye and not look at my feet and cry whilst doing so). I know not all of you will be a fan of how I ~do eljay/fandom/people, but I think it's kind of nice that this video reminded me that however sad it is that I've lost people along my trip in fandom, I have actually managed to touch a lot of people. (A lot, in my case, meaning more than one. Which seems like a lot to me!)
And as the one-year anniversary of my fic comm nears, I kind of just wanted to reflect on what this year has meant to me, what this year has meant to you, and what the year will mean, in future years. I have learned a lot. Not just about writing or about fandom or people, but a lot about myself. It's been a journey of self-discovery. I've changed. I started writing fic thinking that I was one of the least creative people, that I was a quitter, someone who could never finish projects, someone who was too shy to open up to people I don't know or people who don't approach me first.
And not all of that has changed--I'm still pretty shit at seeking out and speaking to people who I admire either on the internet or in real life (since, again, I never know how to straddle that admiration with a desire for an equal level of friendship that I think is more sustainable and personally rewarding). I still manage to put my foot in my mouth more often than not, and I still think I'm a bit of a quitter, but I've finished projects! I've dealt with huge problems in my life! I've made so much personal headway! I am a better person than I was a year ago--even six months ago! And I've spoken to so many people and stepped out of my comfort zone so many times and while sometimes it's had shitty repercussions, sometimes it really hasn't.
Anyway, this is just my way of thanking you. For those people I've just begun to bore, I'm sorry. But you know, I'm happy now! Or happy-ish! Happiness, I've always thought (uhhh with significant help from Aristotle), it is a process. It's not something you attain, it's something that just kind of happens when you're doing everything right. And I hope you're okay with my being happy; I hope our goodbye isn't bitter or awful, it's sad and nostalgic, but a "moving up and on"--you find someone better for yourself than me, and I find someone else to be.
I want to say thank you for brightening my days. And maybe I've not been able to do the same for you, maybe I've been totally remiss and just never known what to say or maybe I've said it already and it wasn't enough, or maybe it was just the wrong thing to say, but you've all made me so, so happy. Like I'm just kind of marveling that I have so many people who I have been able to share little bits of happiness with? And that finally, I, Els, have something to offer other people in the way of happiness. Or did. Or will do, at some point in time.
And maybe our time together has long since expired, and maybe the people who should be reading this will never see it because they've moved on, but. Yeah. You've all made me so happy. I can't be the right person for everyone, but for the people I've been "right" for, even if it's just been for a short time, thank you for letting me let myself into your heart and just, you know, do something special with it. Poke it. Sing it a song. Tell it a story.
Kind of like I'm doing now.
I just hope I continue managing to bring something to the table. To any table. You have given me that kind of confidence, so I guess I just thought it right to let you know how much it's changed me. You've been my friends--at least the way I define friendship--because I've offered you something you've found valuable, and you've given me the world.
This post was brought to you by Me & My Emotions! Don't worry, you don't have to reply ♥.