wax wings: i
October 2012
Barakat residence
Jack Barakat has no intention of going to his ten-year high school reunion, but his siblings make him go. May rouses him early in the morning and forces him into the shower, turning the water on full-blast and shoving him in fully clothed. He does not protest; he strips out of his soaked clothes and bathes quickly, rakes shampoo and conditioner half-heartedly through his thick hair and skips shaving altogether. There’s no point trying to look good - who does he have to impress today? He will not allow himself to think about who might show up; to do that will only add to his misery, add to the heartbreak that is all too fresh since he moved back to Baltimore. But that is his past. Now there is only the future - working at his father’s medical practice with his siblings, taking care of his patients and volunteering at the animal shelter on weekends. Since Alex left him nine years ago, he has concentrated all of his energy on becoming a better person. He remains convinced that if he becomes selfless enough, his broken heart will mend itself.
So far, it’s really not working out for him. He contemplates this as May and Joe fuss over his wardrobe, picking and tugging at his outfit until they’re satisfied with his - read: their - choice. They’ve put him in a pair of skinny jeans and a torso-hugging red dress shirt. In other words, they’re bringing out the big guns. He knows they can’t help it; they have always been his over-protective siblings and they always will be. Especially today, when they all feel a certain sense of déjà vu, as if they are throwing Jack back to the wolves unprotected. None of them has ever forgotten how badly he was bullied in high school. He grimaces as May sits him down in the bathroom to style his hair, hemming and hawing and pushing strands of hair this way and that.
“May,” he whines. “I’m not sixteen anymore; it’s going to be fine. He probably won’t show up.”
She frowns and rests her hands on her hips. “You should still look nice anyway, just to stick it to those assholes that made your high school experience miserable. Show them how far you’ve come in ten years.” Joe, who is lingering in the doorframe, nods solemnly. He’s still in his pyjamas; Jack envies him that. Any other Saturday morning, they would both stay in their pyjamas until noon, playing video games and drinking beers amiably. May huffs and switches her attention from one brother to the next. “Joe, go get dressed.”
Joe rolls his eyes. “I don’t see why I have to be the one who drives Jack-off to his stupid reunion anyway,” he says, shoving his hands into his pockets. “He’s twenty-seven, May, for fuck’s sake. We don’t need to baby him anymore.”
“I would do it myself,” May grumbles, “but I’m supposed to be at the hospital in an hour prepping to induce Mrs. Simpson-Wentz’s labour. And you know why.” The look in her eyes is menacing; the Barakat brothers know better than to cross her. The young gynaecologist may have a pleasant demeanour with her patients, but that doesn’t mean she’s afraid to show her brothers who’s in charge. May storms out of the room and brushes past Joe on her way out, nearly spilling his coffee in the process. The two brothers exchange a look. “Joseph!” she shouts from the kitchen. “Get your lazy ass in the shower!”
“Just another day in paradise,” Joe mutters. “Excuse me while I jump for joy at the prospect of going back to that hellhole. We should consider ourselves lucky to have a break from the fun world of stethoscopes and speculums, hey?”
“I heard that!” May fumes.
Half an hour later, all three Barakat siblings are showered, groomed and ready to go. May shepherds her brothers toward the door, jabbing them both with bony fingers and scolding them for trivialities. She’s barking final instructions at them, which neither of them pay attention to. Jack is trying not to think about the fact that he’s being dragged back to a place that holds four years of his worst memories, but it’s inevitable. This is where he got his heart broken, he thinks. These are the streets he used to walk hand-in-hand with Alex - well, at least until Jasey came into the picture. After that, they were the streets Jack walked with his head down, trying to pretend that none of it had ever happened. He ignored the jeers and nasty comments from his classmates, instead choosing to focus on his grades and getting into medical school. When they pull into the high school parking lot, his heart jumps into his throat. Joe pulls him into a tight hug.
“You can do this, bro,” he mumbles. “We believe in you.”
Jack sighs, climbs out of the car. He shuffles awkwardly toward the doors of the school, trying to ignore his heart pounding in his chest. “They’re all just people,” he reminds himself. “Just assholes you went to high school with drinking punch and talking about jokes that stopped being funny twelve years ago. You can do this.”
“Name?” the perky blonde sitting at the table with a box of name-tags asks. She looks vaguely familiar, but Jack cannot remember her name. He glances down at the name tag emblazoned with ‘Lisa’ on her chest, then immediately blushes in case she thinks he’s looking at her breasts. Jack has never been interested in women in that way. Their eyes meet for a moment before Lisa looks away awkwardly. He gives his name, and Lisa replies with, “Oh, hi Jack. You’re looking well.” It’s a false compliment, but he accepts it anyway. The day is certain to be full of them. Everyone wants to pretend to be better off than they really are, to one-up their old competition and look good in front of old flames and rivals. Jack is no exception to this rule. Which is why, he supposes, he allowed himself to be stuffed into too-tight jeans and a shirt he only wears at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
He wanders into the crowded gymnasium and weaves his way through the people milling about making small talk. If he has something in his hands - a cup of horribly sour fruit punch - then he won’t feel so awkward. Over the past few years Jack has become accustomed to having something in his hands: prescription pads, pens, medical equipment and the like. This is how he survived seven years of med school. With punch in hand, he makes his way back through the crowd and finds an empty space on the wall to lean against. No one said he had to talk to anyone. His eyes are scanning the crowd, searching out one person in particular. There he is, leaning against the wall opposite, holding Jasey Rae in his arms and looking unhappy. Jack looks away - he has to, or he feels like he will become violently ill. But he knows that Alex has seen him, and it is only a matter of time before they will, inevitably, speak. Their graduating class was only seventy people. He makes small talk with a few people before an all-too-familiar figure is standing before him, clearing his throat and touching his hair anxiously.
“H-hey,” Alex says. He offers Jack a nervous smile, shifting his weight from side to side.
Jack looks him up and down. Not much has changed in the last ten years - he’s still tall and skinny, still has dark hair that hangs in his eyes - and annoyingly enough, he still has the same effect on Jack that he did during their high school days. The only difference is the five o’clock shadow, which Jack will later admit he finds kind of hot. But he shouldn’t be thinking such things; he scolds himself, taking notice of the plain gold band on Alex’s ring finger. “Hey,” he replies at last. It’s hard to keep the breathlessness out of his voice. Part of him - an embarrassingly large part - wants him to press himself to Alex, wrap his arms around the older man and kiss him with reckless abandon. So it’s safe to say that this reunion is not going at all the way Jack had planned.
“I, um. You look good... Really good.” Alex clears his throat again, rubs his nose. Jack can tell that he is nervous. He’s looking around anxiously, and Jack figures that he is probably avoiding his - well, what is she exactly? Girlfriend? Wife? Jack tells himself that the burning in his stomach is just the terrible fruit punch and not jealousy. Surely he’s not envious of the woman that is single-handedly responsible for his heartache.
“Thanks. You, um, you too,” Jack mumbles. He can’t speak, can barely breathe in close proximity to Alex. So much of him wants to close the gap between them, to touch his former lover, but he knows that it would be inappropriate and unwelcome. He doesn’t know how to unlove Alex. “So...” they say at the same time. Jack laughs awkwardly - a harsh, barking sound that is obviously false. This is painful. His mouth is dry, his palms are clammy and his breathing is shallow. Longing for this man has built up over so many years and cold nights spent alone that he doesn’t know what to do.
Alex says, “I miss you.” Not missed, as in past tense - miss, as in present, as in right now. He wraps his long, slender arms around Jack before he can protest, bringing their bodies together in an intimate embrace. Jack hugs back, resting his head in the crook of Alex’s neck just like he used to. Breathing shakily, heart pounding in his chest, he fights the overwhelming urge to kiss Alex. It would be so easy - almost too easy. Over Alex’s shoulder, he can see Jasey glaring at him with a look that is generally reserved for the kind of person who kicks little puppies in their spare time. He nuzzles into the older man’s neck, knowing that he will probably come to regret this.
“I miss us,” Jack whispers.
They stand like that a moment later before breaking apart awkwardly. Alex sighs. He says, “I know... I’m so sorry, Jack. I... Jasey’s waiting for me. I have to go.” They shake hands before going their separate ways.
Jack wants to cry a little bit. He had anticipated this going so much better, and now he is standing in a corner of their high school gymnasium with tears fresh in his eyes, threatening to fall, and he feels just as broken now as he did the day Alex ended things. That momentary contact wasn’t worth the pain. Jack is glad he has something to do with his hands; he swallows the remainder of the sour liquid in the paper cup and crushes the cup in his hands. He wanders the room for the better part of an hour, chatting up random people; he doesn’t remember any of their names and will probably never speak to them again.
When he feels a hand on his shoulder, he whirls around, expecting it to be Alex. But of course it’s not - it’s a curly-haired man that he does not recognize, with an expensive camera hanging around his neck. Jack does not recognize this fellow. “Hi,” the man greets him politely. “My name’s Zack Merrick, I’m with the paper.”
Of course he is, Jack thinks. “I’m Dr. Jack Barakat,” he says with a little swell of pride.
Zack blushes and adds, “Well, I mean, I’m also here with my boyfriend. He’s a teacher at the school... Rian Dawson, do you know him?”Jack is a bit taken aback by this revelation; Rian Dawson was the bane of his existence in high school. He can’t quite fathom it. This curly-haired creature is the absolute last person he ever would have pictured Rian with. But then again, he also hadn’t had a clue that Rian was gay, so his judgement obviously wasn’t the best. Jack doesn’t realize he’s spaced out completely until Zack asks him, “So how do you know Alex?” He’s been too busy analyzing all the homophobic comments Rian made in high school, searching for subtle nuances that would have clued him in.
“O-oh,” he stutters. “We were f-friends in high school, I guess.” He swallows hard, wishing he had another cup of punch instead of clammy fingers and nothing to close them around. Jasey Rae is staring at him smugly, tucked against Alex’s side and obviously flaunting the fact that she got the guy. But something inside him is tired of lying about it, tired of denying the past, so he says, “Actually, we were a lot more than friends.”
The look on Zack’s face says more than words ever could. “I kind of figured as much. I haven’t seen him light up like that since, like... since ever. At least, not for anyone besides Pete.” Before Jack can ask who Pete is - another boyfriend? Is he seeing someone on the side, behind Jasey’s back? - Zack is whisked away by his boyfriend, leaving Jack standing alone by the punch bowl.
Oh, the irony. It is just like their senior prom all over again - Jack standing by himself, pining for Alex while he is busy with his girlfriend. She ruined everything. Normally Jack would never say a harsh word against anybody, but he has only venom to spew about Jasey Rae. The really stupid part, he thinks, is that he actually took Alex back the first time it happened. He told himself that Alex was just confused, that he would come to his senses and come back. And Jack can still remember the way it felt that day - standing on Alex’s porch, watching those beautiful chocolate brown eyes flood with tears, as he listened to the love of his life tell him that he wasn’t good enough anymore. He endured it, hearing that Alex had needs he could never fulfill, and he went home to an empty bedroom and cried for hours until Joe got home that night. Joe and May both crawled into bed with him without a word between them, and Jack fell asleep that night sandwiched between his siblings, feeling like an abandoned child.