Ramblings
For the past few months, the idea that my personal life is greatly lacking keeps flitting through my mind. I believe it's finally catching upto me, beause now I'm in a slump. No... more fallen into an abyss. And I can't seem to get myself out of it. I don't know how.
This idea started sticking to me with a week left to my trip to India. Being away for a month was like an exercise in "how do I affect my world," or the "how many lives would my death affect" theory. My parents and siblings definitely missed me, which I find surprising since I was only gone for a month (I've had gaps longer than that between visits home over the past year) and I spoke to them on the phone almost every day.
I didn't think I'd be missed much at work. In fact, I thought nobody would have noticed that I was gone for a month. I had every expectation that I'd get back and most of the projects that I was working on would have progressed significantly. With the exception of 4 projects, this was NOT the case. I pretty much picked up all my other projects where I left them. And apparently the office dreadfully missed me for my "glorified secretary" job skills. I know they definitely noticed how much work I do around there.
It also appears that I was very much missed on a social level at work. Since I've been back, I've somehow turned into Ms. Socialite. People feel the need to come to my desk and tell me their life stories and impart their personal and professional wisdom/knowledge with me. So, I have this wealth of knowledge on various matters, making me the person to 'go-to' with questions because I know the answers. (My boss even wrote this in my evaluation!) Thus giving people even more reason to come talk to me. And, in turn, making me Ms. Socialite since I'm always talking to someone.
So, were I to die today, how many lives would I affect? My immediate family would miss me. I would be sorely missed at work (for a little while). And my passing would be an inconvenience to my landlord and roommate. Oh.. and some banks wouldn't get money back from my student loans and credit card debt. Otherwise, I don't think I've impacted many other lives. Perhaps 2 lives would be impacted on a personal level. Maybe 4. But it's not a profound impact.
That's how much of a personal life I have. Sure, I have people I'll go out with every so often. But to say that I have people that I talk to on a regular basis... very limited.
On the flip side of the token, with the exception of my Mom, I go for days without a person genuinely asking about my well-being, though I spend hours each day listening to the well-being stories of others. I realize people have their own lives.. but why is it that noone's interested in my life? At least one other person. If I could say that I was an integral part of one person's life (and vice versa), my life would feel more fulfilling. And this is even more depressing that the first part of this post.
I don't understand why this is. I'm a good person. I'm fun and engaging. I think I'm at least somewhat interesting. Yes, I can be intense at times. But I'm not a bitch. I'm not manipulative. Granted, I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but I'm not ugly. So what's the problem?
What's the solution to this? I have no idea. What can I do? Put myself out there and hope? That's like saying that I'm a worm on a fishing line... string myself up and hope a fish bites. I've been doing that, but I'm not getting any anything of substance. And that's depressing.
*sigh*
I have no idea where I'm going with this. And that in and of itself is depressing.
This idea started sticking to me with a week left to my trip to India. Being away for a month was like an exercise in "how do I affect my world," or the "how many lives would my death affect" theory. My parents and siblings definitely missed me, which I find surprising since I was only gone for a month (I've had gaps longer than that between visits home over the past year) and I spoke to them on the phone almost every day.
I didn't think I'd be missed much at work. In fact, I thought nobody would have noticed that I was gone for a month. I had every expectation that I'd get back and most of the projects that I was working on would have progressed significantly. With the exception of 4 projects, this was NOT the case. I pretty much picked up all my other projects where I left them. And apparently the office dreadfully missed me for my "glorified secretary" job skills. I know they definitely noticed how much work I do around there.
It also appears that I was very much missed on a social level at work. Since I've been back, I've somehow turned into Ms. Socialite. People feel the need to come to my desk and tell me their life stories and impart their personal and professional wisdom/knowledge with me. So, I have this wealth of knowledge on various matters, making me the person to 'go-to' with questions because I know the answers. (My boss even wrote this in my evaluation!) Thus giving people even more reason to come talk to me. And, in turn, making me Ms. Socialite since I'm always talking to someone.
So, were I to die today, how many lives would I affect? My immediate family would miss me. I would be sorely missed at work (for a little while). And my passing would be an inconvenience to my landlord and roommate. Oh.. and some banks wouldn't get money back from my student loans and credit card debt. Otherwise, I don't think I've impacted many other lives. Perhaps 2 lives would be impacted on a personal level. Maybe 4. But it's not a profound impact.
That's how much of a personal life I have. Sure, I have people I'll go out with every so often. But to say that I have people that I talk to on a regular basis... very limited.
On the flip side of the token, with the exception of my Mom, I go for days without a person genuinely asking about my well-being, though I spend hours each day listening to the well-being stories of others. I realize people have their own lives.. but why is it that noone's interested in my life? At least one other person. If I could say that I was an integral part of one person's life (and vice versa), my life would feel more fulfilling. And this is even more depressing that the first part of this post.
I don't understand why this is. I'm a good person. I'm fun and engaging. I think I'm at least somewhat interesting. Yes, I can be intense at times. But I'm not a bitch. I'm not manipulative. Granted, I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but I'm not ugly. So what's the problem?
What's the solution to this? I have no idea. What can I do? Put myself out there and hope? That's like saying that I'm a worm on a fishing line... string myself up and hope a fish bites. I've been doing that, but I'm not getting any anything of substance. And that's depressing.
*sigh*
I have no idea where I'm going with this. And that in and of itself is depressing.