I wish
Not gonna lie, I mostly have enjoyed not having my phone these past few days. I left it in my dad's car and thought I would be super screwed and twice as stressed, but not really. I like not having to deal with silly phone calls and in terms of meeting up with people, I just send a quick email instead. Granted if I'm ever stranded somewhere, I'm fucked, but it's a little liberating to not have a phone. Aaaaah...
I'm researching about below-knee amputations. The type of prosthetics they have are considered Transtibial Prosthesis. I have seriously considered amputation for the past couple years, but never really done more than think about it. Why? Because I would need at LEAST 6 months recovery time...when the hell do I have that? Also, the cost of the prosthetic would be about $6000-$9000 (which generally, would need to be replaced every couple years) on TOP of the cost of the actual surgery, a.k.a. money neither I nor my parents have. *Sigh* But I'm getting sick of my left leg below the knee. I frequently feel like I'm just carrying around a dead limb. My ankle is fused, my foot aches frequently, my knee is weak and bends in funny directions, I practically have no muscle, shoes have to be adjusted (which takes at least a week and a half). It seems like just a big hassle. I want to be able to run. To not be hesitant in riding a bike. To not feel fatigued and achy after walking for sometime. TO WEAR SHOES RIGHT AFTER I BUY THEM! I know the last one may seem silly, but you think about it. First off, you're limited to only certain types of shoes because you have to make sure it can be adjusted which limits you horribly. Secondly, you know the excitement of buying a new pair of shoes and getting to show them off and wear them in? Yeah, I can't do that so readily. And even when they are totally finished and wearable, there's always this little pain in me that's not 100% proud and hates it. And many people will warn me about the potential psychological effects amputation can have, the risks, "how it'll look". But I'm WAY past looks right now. I want functionality. And you don't think my being disabled with a noticeably pain-in-the-ass leg is any less psychologically damaging? I've gone through surgeries for practically 13 straight years of my life. I've done all I feel like I could and STILL not satisfied.
I feel like I've been denying or overlooking the "disabled" aspect of my external and internal identity. Yet, it's something that seems to blatantly pop-out more than other aspects of my identity. Is it shame? Self-esteem? Yes and yes. So what the fuck do I do about it? I'm not against talking about it in a respectful and honest manner. But internally, I'm screaming. I WANT to talk about it, but I can't help but feel a little saddened.
God, I hate money. Actually, the time thing isn't as discouraging as the money thing in terms of what's stopping me from wanting to fully go through with this. If any feels mildly more enlightened to learn a little more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artificial_limb