Happily Ever After?

[renewedsoul_v]

I'd be lying if I said the last six weeks have been without their bumpy spots. I mean, Logan staying with us without all the wedding chaos and moving to the new place would have been weird enough for him, but that definitely added to everything. Mostly because I was a total basket case. I'm not even sure if he has any idea how many times my dad

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[renewedsoul_v]

When Logan asked if I was weirded out by it, I almost got the impression that what he really wanted to ask, even just a little bit, was if it bothered me that Duncan had a kid with someone who wasn't me.

The thing is, though, as much as that innocent baby girl's very existence had contributed to Duncan and I breaking up, we didn't break up because Meg was pregnant. The final nail was that Duncan didn't think it had to change things between the two of us. "A little, but I don't think it's exactly for the reasons you think. Watching him today, when you guys came out to the backyard, and he picked up his daughter? The look on his face completely reaffirmed my feeling like I would just be in the way of that perfect little family they've got going on."

I laced my hand with his, letting it rest on my jean covered thigh as I continued, "Duncan was kind of deluding himself to think otherwise, you know? We've been over how much I missed you, right? I'm exactly where I want to be with exactly who I want to be with." I promised him. As if it wasn't obvious by the way the ring had migrated from my finger to the chain around my neck. I wasn't quite ready to part with it.

Yeah, Meg and Duncan's little girl would probably be perfect and sweet - just like her mom.... but I couldn't imagine having to be responsible for a defenseless little person any time soon. I didn't want it right now. I wasn't a hundred percent sure I wanted it, period.

[goshmomgeedad]

There's that urge again to start blaming DK's parents for the stand up job of raising him. Then again, I had my own parents to blame - vice versa, Veronica had her mother. Proof that parents fucked you up for the long run.

Then again, we knew that.

Veronica was wrong about something though. Duncan had made a family because he had to. Because Veronica wasn't going to be exactly what she was to him anymore. We were all changed. Over the years, we've done nothing but shape and morph into something I'm not sure I can recognize anymore.

"He's going to be this great dad. You know, I always thought so. Just like letting his daughter play baseball or soccer or do whatever she wants. Actually listening to her," I commented to Veronica. "And maybe one day he'll be in love with Meg like she is with him."

We would be deluded to think anything else.

[renewedsoul_v]

"I know. The second my dad told me that he was trying to be a part of the baby's life, I knew." Duncan and Meg both were going to be so much better in the parenting department than what they had. Because they both had a different set of 'what not to do' to run through whatever filter makes parenting decisions.

"At least they're friends and are both going to be a part of her life, right? I mean, things could be so much worse. Meg's parents wanted her to send this really horrible orphanage. This way she's surrounded by love and will have the room to be whoever she wants to be. At this point I think Meg views Duncan loving her back the way she does him as icing." I pointed out quietly. So many things about both Duncan and Meg's lives sucked so much, but they both seemed really happy today. Which is both nice to see and kind of mystifying at the same time...

"He's happy, right?" I asked, "I mean, I didn't really talk to him much today. I was kind of busy being in awe of this tiny little person who was fascinated by everything around her."

[goshmomgeedad]

"Yeah, he looked it," I said to Veronica in response. However, happiness was all rather relative. He wasn't happy in the way we all know he'd be if he was with Veronica. I was pretty sure he was afraid of letting Meg down or his daughter down.

"It could be worse and, hey, if I had to trust anyone with kids it would be him," I said honestly. Some of us just didn't fit that cookie cutter shape that was required to care for children. Guilty as charged here.

As much as I had to care for Shira back in Virginia Beach, it was different. And I was nervous enough handling some little kid who was just learning her ABCs and how to count. We could carry on conversations and I still wasn't part of that material.

"Let's never have children," I said to her, imagining all the disasters.

[renewedsoul_v]

"Yeah, he did." I agreed. He definitely loved that baby. That much was clear. I wasn't sure how over what happened in December he really was, and I wasn't about to ask Logan, because having that information wouldn't change anything.

"You did a pretty good job with Shira, if I remember correctly." I pointed out with a smile. "You were better with her than I was." Besides, babysitting and full time parenting are two completely separate things.

I couldn't help but laugh when he said let's never have children, "Logan, we're 18, I don't really want to think about kids either way right now." I told him. There were so many steps between now and worrying about whether or not to plan for kids.

[goshmomgeedad]

"Oh, please," I said, laughing. "I was like this grown up and willing dress up doll for her. That doesn't mean I was any good. Especially, since I was slipping her chocolates to keep her content and happy."

Yes, so that's where your chocolate collection went.

I wasn't saying now. I was talking about ever. I didn't know about future or where the hell I was headed but a couple months ago I didn't even think I'd be alive to see my 19th birthday. I wasn't even sure I was serious or not about this. We were complicated enough without raising complicated kids.

[renewedsoul_v]

"Logan, how do you think my dad dealt with me when I was little? There's a reason desert for dinner as a concept exists." I pointed out. "You made sure she was happy and safe... I'm not sure Maribeth and Daniel were expecting anything different out of you." Yeah, I knew there was no convincing him he was anything but a disaster with kids... "But I get what you're saying. I was a disaster with that robot baby for health class. Duncan on the other hand? Seemed competent. My dad actually picked up the baby and flipped it over on me when I put it on the counter upside down..." I rolled my eyes.

Yeah, kids any time soon were so not happening. Not without some intensive therapy or something. I knew I wasn't my mom, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that I would somehow scar any potential kids beyond all reason.

"I wasn't meaning even now or anything... but there's actually graduating High School, and maybe college, having some time for us before we even think about kids one way or another, you know?" I tried to clarify.

[goshmomgeedad]

See this is precisely why I never took health class. I didn't have any computerized baby reassuring my fate as being a completely incapable father. Which I didn't mind, honestly. I think the genes should be cut off with me completely. When I die and when my dad dies we won't have any other Echolls to concern ourselves with and the world will be a much safer place for girls everywhere.

Let Veronica be concerned when I consider taking acting.

I looked up to her, the word 'college' catching my ear. While I knew that was coming, even with us running away, I somehow didn't expect it. We'd been dating, we'd been in school when I gave her that bank account. It was something I knew she wanted and something I knew she deserved and I honestly wondered if she had enough to still go where she wanted to go. Then again, I was wondering where she wanted to go and where that left us. I hadn't even returned to school yet - which she understood for the first little while, gunshot wound and all - but now I just didn't even see the point in graduation.

Maybe that's what she was searching for by giving that disapproving Veronica look I knew all too well each day I didn't go.

"So, what's in your future? Hearst? Berkeley? Stanford?" I asked because she was bound to have some place of choice to show off her shining recommendations. Where the fuck did college honestly leave us?

[renewedsoul_v]

I couldn't help but catch the look Logan was giving me at the mere mention of college. How many times had I told him that Virgina Beach hadn't changed the overall plan any?

"Plan's still Berkeley undergrad. Maybe Hearst for graduate work." I replied. Best case we're talking January though. More than likely next September... but I wasn't worried. Logan wasn't rotting on death row for something he didn't do. That was what was important. "We've talked about this, Logan... how I want you with me up there, right?" I asked gently. "Neptune, for better or worse, is home... but I think not being here full time for a while would do us both a lot of good."

I was trying hard to avoid making it sound like he didn't have a choice in the matter, I really was. And as much as I knew Berkeley was close enough that we could basically see each other whenever we wanted, I wasn't sure I would be as okay with being up there without him.

"The timetable's shifted a little, the money's a bit tighter, but if I work this year, and get a job up there it's all still doable." Sure, the Kane Scholarship was out of the picture, but I still had over half the money Logan had given me... and who knows, maybe I qualify for some grants?

He was so resistant to the whole idea of school right now, and I was starting to get the impression that he'd somehow decided me plus my college dreams automatically equals no him. If that was true, what the hell were the last 6 months?

The worst part was I didn't even know where to start in terms of making him get that he was stuck with me, never mind that school might actually be fun once he can start taking just the classes he wants.

[renewedsoul_v]

Logan: Veronica was not getting it. And I wasn't really sure how to explain it to her. College wasn't for me. It just wasn't a part of things and I didn't see how graduating high school made life any better either. I knew she was going to some college to finish off. I knew that's what she wanted and she'd be amazing at it. "I know you want me with you," I told her, keeping my voice as light as I possibly could. Neptune depressed me. I wanted to get out as soon as possible. "And money really isn't a problem," I said giving her a look. "I just don't know if I want to go to college."

Veronica: "Do you have any idea how weird it is that you seem to want to pay for my education without even having to think about it, but you want nothing to do with it yourself?" I asked. I mean, I got that he didn't really see the point to High School. Who did? It was kind of this step you had to go through if you wanted more out of life than saying 'Do you want fries with that?' College was supposed to be different. "Are you planning to just live off your dad's money forever?"

Logan: Honestly, did she have to state it that way? I darkened a bit, sending her a look. She was mothering me and I didn't need that right now. In fact, lets leave out all parents from the equation. She did not want to start with that with me. "You want this. You're the one who might actually get something out of it. Why waste money on something I'll just want to toss out in the end?" I asked.

Veronica: "Logan, I'm not trying to fight with you... I just want - I'm trying to figure out what your plan is." I sighed, "What are you going to do while I'm taking classes 8 months out of the year?" I just wanted to understand. I'd always thought he wanted to make something out of his life... make something for himself seperate from his family.. but right now? It really didn't seem like it.

Logan: "I'd talk to Ms. James if I honestly needed guidance in my life path," I replied to her, flatly. "I don't have to know and right now I don't know," I told her. Veronica had talents. She had a clear view of where she was and where she wanted to head, but I didn't. I didn't excel brilliantly at any particular skill - at least ones I could get paid for legally - and I wasn't thinking that far ahead yet. "Maybe you've had some plan since coming out of the womb, but not all of us are as lucky as you. You... clearly know what to do. Life is laid out in front of you. You have to get that not all of us have that and...- I really don't."

Veronica: "I don't know if you've noticed this yet, but the plan? More or less chosen for me by my dad. My input at this point is that it's not Stanford anymore." I commented. And it was true. My dad had so many hopes and dreams for me and all of them more or less pushed me away from the one thing that came as easy as breathing. "What do you think he'd do if I take a bunch of criminology courses and even attempt to follow in his footsteps?" I questioned. "And don't sit there acting like you don't have any skills at all, Logan... you're an awesome flim editor. And you were on the Navigator for how long?" I let out a breath, "You could just take some random classes in things that interest you and see where it leads. You said yourself money's not an issue." I didn't want to push him, but I knew he wanted more out of life than to live like some trust fund brat.

Logan: "Yeah, but the difference is that even if you chose not to, as long as you were happy, nothing else would matter to your father," I replied. And that was really it wasn't it? I got this money from my dad as a fucking court order so I'm somewhat supported in this life while dear old daddy rots away in prison and none of it really mattered because it was just money and it was meaningless to me. "I don't want to go, Veronica," I said. "I don't even see the point of graduating right now." Any maybe she just thought I was taking an extended stay to heal from the bullet wound - which still hurt - but I hadn't put a foot on Neptune High's ground for months. I thought it was ironic how fast Duncan was moving ahead in his life while I stayed stuck in second gear when last year we could have never fucking predicted that.

[renewedsoul_v]

Veronica: "And there's the fact that I would go insane if I was forced to work at the Hut for the rest of my life." I pointed out. As much as I appreciated that Logan was willing to help with making Berkley a reality, I wanted to be able to stand on my own two feet if for some reason he and my dad weren't factors anymore. I needed more than that. To hell with what everyone expected of me. I needed my life to mean more than that. "Okay, fine... so you don't see a point to school.. you don't want to go to college... " I sighed heavily. I loved him, but he was driving me absolutely insane. I hated the idea of him basically just giving up, and that's what it seemed like he was doing right now. "What are you doing with your life five years from now when Berkley's all said and done?" I asked gently.

Logan: "You know, screw criminology," I said wryly to Veronica, moving to get up from the couch. "How about you become a guidance counselor?" I ask her. "That way people would not only willingly give you private information but you could also direct them in the right path of life."

Veronica: "Oh, my God!" I rolled my eyes as he got up. I honestly couldn't believe he was being like this. "Pardon me for wanting to, I don't know, help you get out of this 'poor pitiful Logan' funk you seem content to stay in! Obviously you don't want to get out of it, though. My mistake." I stated sarcastically, getting up myself, suddenly glad my dad and Alicia were at work and Wallace and Darrell were out. If we were going to fight, better to not inflict it on everyone else, right?

Logan: "Oh, did I forget to thank you today?" I asked her. "Thank you, Veronica. I was just forgetting how you're ultimately meant to be my savior. Please, save me from a life of corruption, crime and a complete lack of morals and values," I snapped towards her. "I didn't ask for your help."

Veronica: "Because that's how relationships are supposed to work?!" I snapped back when he started to thank me. "Get over yourself already." I moved towards the stairs before spinning back around to face him. "It's a fucking miracle you're even standing here to have this completely stupid argument, Logan..." How true that statement really was kind of terrified me. He was beaten with in an inch of his life and literally did die from a bullet wound this year. You'd think we would have all learned after Lilly that there's no promise of tomorrow. Or hey, the bus crash... but no... he still doesn't seem to get it. "How many second chances at this life do you think you actually get? What is the point in wasting it playing video games? You want more than that, I know you do!" I was clenching my fists so tightly that I was sure that my nails were making have moon indents on my palms, but I couldn't even feel it right now.

Logan: I gave a short laugh, "Get over myself?" I asked her. "Do you ever take your advice to heart or do you just like to give it?" She starts in on how fucking lucky I am to be alive and I just don't want to hear it. I turn around again as she spins to face me I hadn't asked for second chances either. Hell, I never knew how long I'd survive. After Lilly died things became painfully clear on exactly how short life really is. "You want to talk about miracles, Veronica, you're not talking about me," I told her sharply. "Because this, right now? Isn't a fucking miracle. All those things that happened to me and I just happened to survive through it all?" I started. "That's not a miracle."

Veronica: "What the hell would you call it, then?" I asked when he said that his being here wasn't a miracle. "Oh... let me guess... you've decided it's a punishment of some kind, right?" I questioned, rolling my eyes. I was starting to think I should just go upstairs and lock myself in my room before one of us said something we couldn't take back. "I love you with all my heart, but you are so completely infuriating, you know that?"

[renewedsoul_v]

Logan: "I believe it's your miracle, because you are mine," I told her, following her words of professing love. And that was more than she knew: how much it meant to be a miracle to her. "But when your girlfriend sleeps with your father and in return he bashes her brains in, when your best friend abandons you for over a year because of either his issues or yours or the fact that the both of you are still so in love with a girl, when your mother decides that life as it is isn't worth living. Not to mention the being framed for murder or the fact that somehow that girl you love ran away for god knows what reason to save your life, yet again, and essentially risked it all... We're not even getting to what happened on the Coronado with me or the run ins with the Fitzpatricks! Tell me where the miracle in that is? Because I don't see it. And don't give me some life is its own miracle bullshit because I just don't fucking buy it anymore."

Veronica: How is it can defuse my aggravation in one breath and then go right back to being the cause of it the next? "Look, I get that everything sucked for a really long, like ridiculously long, time." I sighed. "But they don't anymore... or at least not nearly as much, so I don't see what's so unforgivably wrong about having dreams for the future or things you want for yourself." I tried to clarify. "The sky won't fall in if we think we have a future beyond the point when we fall asleep tonight."

Logan: "They're your dreams," I said to her. "And I get that you do the plan thing when life feels uncontrollably out of your hands," - Believe me I had seen enough of it in the past few weeks - "but the only thing I can clearly see in my future is you," I told her. That's my only plan. That's my only goal and one thing that I strive to actually keep in this life. "So, it's not what I'm doing in five years or where I am or what the fuck else has happened, but it's who I'm with and nothing else really matters. You want to know my plans, Veronica, but they're just you."

Veronica: "You know, if I didn't know you so well I would think everything you just said was some disgustingly slick way to end the fight." I pointed out, laughing softly. Logan's pretty much the only person that could ever say something that corny to me and have me buy it. "And for being someone who pretty much loathes any tiny attempt to even so much as point you in a direction, saying that all your plans are me puts me in way too much control of your destiny." I pointed out with a smirk. Never mind the fact that he practically had a panic attack when he found out I was still wearing the ring on the way back to Neptune.... how did we get from that to this moment? "What if I focused in on Journalism like my dad wants me to, and I end up working for some place that wants to send me to the middle east or something for an extended period?"