i lost myself inside someone else [i couldn't see the lines between her and me]

[logan_echolls]

I didn't sleep. Well, at least, not well. Every time I twisted in discontent sleep, the bandage would pull harder at my skin and there would be a dull ache that was quickly turning into a sharp pain as the medication wore off. There were times throughout the night that I was waking myself up with each uncomfortable movement

Comments

[logan_echolls]

"I wasn't asleep. Not really," I answered her, my voice still under a whisper. How could I possibly sleep like this? Sleeping in a bedroom without Trina is hard enough if she's in the same general vicinity. She's cheery in the morning - like Snow White I'm talking to the birdies and they're talking to me too cheery. And it's goddamn annoying when you like sleep and she pulls back your curtains to wake you up with some 'Good morning, Sunshine' attitude.

I wasn't sunny in the mornings.

So, imagine trying to get some rest in a room with your sister, your girlfriend, your girlfriend's father and a bullet hole in your gut. Yeah, I didn't think so either.

And this thing where Veronica is pretending to be okay, just isn't working for her. I can see the discontent look on her face no matter how dark it is or how much she's trying to hide it all. I can tell that there's something going on beyond wanting to fall asleep beside me. And believe me, I want that just as much as she does.

I give a soft groan and make sure she's not about to jump ship - or bed, for this instance - my hand finds hers. "Hey, I have no problem kicking you out of bed," I tell her with a light smug smirk her way. "As long as nothing you do to me pulls stitches, I'm sure I'll live. Now tell me, what's up? What's got your mind so busy that you can't sleep?"

Besides the obvious?

[renewedsoul_v]

I'm not to stubborn and independent to admit that the moment his hand finds me I can't help but relax. If only a little. I wasn't sure if the groan was pain from the bed shifting or exasperation at my trying to act like I'm fine when we both know I'm not. But his hand around mind means one thing: he's right there with me and despite it seeming like a total oxymoron with the way our relationship has always been, it's calming to know that.

"You are such an asshole." I reply lightly, my voice still a whisper as he says he has no problem kicking me out of bed. I don't have to be able to see his face clearly to know he's at the very least smirking. "You know that, right?" Yeah, he might be an asshole, but he's one I'm crazy in love with. What does that say about me?

Then he does this thing where he's being concerned and gently prodding for me to talk to him. Forget there's two other people in the room that could overhear us and just let him in on whatever it is that's caused me to crawl into his bed in the middle of the night with those aforementioned people to scold us in the morning - beyond just wanting to be near him; that was a given. All while I know he's more than likely suffering a fair amount of pain with the pills having long since worn off. I let out this little breath as I carefully settle closer to him and listen to the steady beat of his heart for a moment before I murmur "I love you." so softly that I doubt I could even classify it a whisper.

"Is 'everything' too broad an answer for all the stuff running around my head making me insomnia girl?" I ask softly. He was probably going to think I was being ridiculous, feeling weird about the whole idea of my dad getting married, wasn't he? I wasn't even sure why I was. Hadn't I been happy Alicia had been there for him? That he had something in his life besides me, Backup and work?

So I'm acting all weird now because? Why all of the sudden am I having issues? I didn't see how I had any right. Not in light of the last 5 months.

"My dad's getting married..." I said finally, noticing how strange my own voice sounded in my ears.

[logan_echolls]

I can't help but yawn, because really I was exhausted by everything - one of those side effects. I felt the urge to curb it around Veronica because I knew she was going to tell me something important and seeing her boyfriend sleepy she'd probably want to postpone it. Which really, I was tired 24/7 since I got shot and nothing was comfortable. So, now, was really the best time when her father and my sister were somewhat unconscious.

I feel her relax just a little as my hand finds her and my grin widens when she counters my not having a problem kicking her out of bed with You are such an asshole. There were worst things to be called and really I was sure there were times that the both of us wanted to get under each other's skin again and again - regardless of the current situation.

I just give a soft chuckle in return and wrap my arm around her shoulders as she settles closer to me. I couldn't help but close my eyes for a moment as she murmurs something inaudibly. I just thread my fingers through her hair and tilt my head down so I could place a soft kiss on the crown of her head.

I don't answer her first comment but at the 'My dad's getting married...' I can't help but look up in a 'What?' expression to her, because really that's a little unexpected.

"Let's see, It's not April Fools." I was trying to make light of a situation that really- I wouldn't say it had Veronica worried, but maybe disturbed that life had gone on without her. And her dad's life at that. Only like the most important person in her life ever. I stopped myself from going too far into the joke and nodded just barely.

"That's good, right? I mean I know it's not just you and your dad and you're used to that. And I'm kinda guessing the woman's not a complete stranger," I said softly to her.

Keith Mars didn't seem like someone to do something out of nowhere - you know other than the unfounded accusations of Jake Kane murdering Lilly. But I didn't think in any way he'd do something that would change their lives so much if he didn't think it was good for them. "Just a little bigger of a family - not like that's always a good thing." I motioned towards Trina, screw it that I came after her.

[renewedsoul_v]

There was something just so normal about the playfully little digs we exchanged... which was something we both needed more than we could possibly say right now. Things to feel normal again. Except that we were wanting a normal that no longer existed and going back to a life that wasn't really normal to start with. Yay?

We're both completely exhausted and he's indulging my insanity anyway... yeah, this is one of those moments I feel grateful that he manages to put up with me. But I'm pretty sure the feeling's mutual most of the time.

The way he shifts from kissing the top of my head when I say Dad's getting married makes it obvious he's as caught off guard by it as was. "I know I'm being ridiculous, okay?" I breathed when he jokes about it not being April Fool's day.

"It is. It's good. I mean, who deserves to be happy more than my dad?" I comment, "He's put me first for so long... He stopped dating Miss James because I freaked. And it's not like I don't like Alicia. I wanted them to get back together so why am I freaking out?" I let out a breath. "I asked him at the hospital how things were... if I should be teasing Wallace about bunkbeds again, and he said if anything changed he'd tell me. He lied - by omission, but still." I whispered. I really did get the not wanting to upset me, but I think I'd be dealing better now if he'd just told me the truth when I asked.

"Oh, and they bought a house, too." I added.

"I'm sorry. This is all good stuff. I don't know why am I being such a total headcase." I appologised softly.

[logan_echolls]

"Yeah, but you are a headcase," I told her. Which, granted, probably isn't the best thing to tell your girlfriend under any circumstances. I let out a short laugh like breath softly. "I don't mean that in some psycho boyfriend way that's bound to be offensive. It's just, yeah, this whole thing sounds a little crazy and you wouldn't be you if you weren't freaking out about this in some way."

I let out a soft breath, threading my fingers through her dark hair. "I've seen the way you and your dad are. Hell, I've been jealous of it, Veronica, but this whole thing where the two of you have each other's back and suddenly he's getting married without you really knowing about it the moment he was considering it... It's got to be hard, that's all I'm saying."

Watching Veronica and her father was some sort pastime, as odd as that sounded, they were like this vision of what actual parents and kids could be like. Not some home where everything was a lie including the people. You know, my dad tried so hard to create this image of what life should look like. He decided to impart that wisdom on his son by literally beating some sort of lesson into me. Gosh, dad. Gee, thanks.

So, Veronica's little world where the worst thing her dad could possibly do to her is lie about something or postpone the truth is like Candyland. It certainly beats having a father who attempts to kill your girlfriend and/or sex them up. She knows it's like some dream land to have vaguely affectionate parents in Neptune. Which is probably why she feels so guilty about being upset.

"I get that you feel like you're psycho for freaking out and maybe this doesn't require a worst case scenario handbook, but it's valid to you. And that's what matters, right?"

[renewedsoul_v]

"Nice save, Logan." I couldn't help but smile when he clarifies his agreement that I am most definitely a headcase. "Really."

I couldn't help the little pang of sadness when he admits he's jealous of the relationship I have with my dad. For all the horrible things we've all been through in the last few years, I knew the reason I did was because no matter what I tried to pull, I had my dad. Even know when he should be beyond fed up with me. It was such a stark contrast to the life Logan was used to... I don't even know how he's managed to hold up so well with nobody to lean on through most of it. I mean, his parents? Lynn may have actually wanted to be there - unlike my mom - but she was so out of it most of the time that she really couldn't. And the idea of Aaron as a parent is a joke. At least where Logan is concerned. Trina learned her dismissive attitude towards her brother from their father, that's for sure. Then there was me... my mom might be useless, but my dad is a better parent than practically half of Neptune's parents combined...

"I think I just need time to process or something. I've never really been good with the big changes. Except for when we left town... which I know makes no sense at all, but there it is. I was gone for months... what right do I have to be acting like a spoiled brat over the idea of him getting married to someone I actually like? And for whatever it's worth? My dad seems to be at least sort of in your corner, now, too. Enough that the fact that you were banished from our apartment has been lifted to the point where he's okay with you staying with us." I pointed out softly, "If you decide you want to, anyway."

"I should be scared by how easily you can make sense of the crazy that is me right now, shouldn't I?" I teased. "Especially when you factor in that we're both half asleep."

Yeah... Wallace might be my best friend and soon-to-be brother, but Logan still knew me... the good, the bad, and everything in between, better than anybody ever had.

[logan_echolls]

So, not to be completely and entirely cynical, but as Veronica gains family members I'm pretty sure I can watch mine decrease. I look over Veronica's shoulder and Trina's asleep and making some sort of sound out of her mouth or nose or possibly both. If I wasn't so self involved in my own pain or didn't have my girlfriend settled beside me in the bed I might have been jealous that Veronica had to share a bed with her. As much as Trina is here now, I have to wonder how long that's truly going to last. I'm not even sure I want it to. Actually, I'm pretty sure I don't.

It strikes me in this moment that I wish my mother was here right beside me, taking care of me. I mean, I have a friggin bullet hole in my gut and she's not here because she thought it was a better idea to sleep with the fishes. I'm not sure she's entirely wrong and I'm positive it would have been even worse if she knew what dad did.

It's just a moment that, even with Veronica, I feel alone and I truly wish I didn't.

I nodded at her words and curl my fingers a little tighter in her hair to have her closer to me. "I should get bonus points for being on painkillers too," I told her with a small but spreading grin. "And, you know, continuing to function with holes inside of me. I think I might make a list of how much I rock and give it to you as a reference page," I told her, teasingly.

"It's gonna be okay, V," I said to her finally. "You're getting a family."

[renewedsoul_v]

"Extra holes. There's always holes." I pointed out just as teasingly, "But yes, you definitely get bonus points for that and the painkillers." That don't actually seem quite strong enough in their prescribed doses... or was that just me? "I'll scan the reference page onto my laptop." I added with a smirk.

"I know. I think I just need time for it to all register, you know? I mean, we're talking Wallace, Alicia and Darrel here. It's not like my dad's marrying Dick's mom or something." Now that's a horrifying thought. If only because it would make me related to Dick Casablancas. And now I need to scrub that thought from my brain. "This is a good thing..." Though I can't help but think for a moment that the universe has twisted that wish I once had to be related to my best friend. I had meant Lilly. But the fact that I'm even with Logan proves that the world works in weird and unexpected ways.

"How are you holding up? And I don't mean physically before you even try and insist you're fine... there's been a lot going on, and I know you, Logan. Even when we fought, you were probably the happiest I've ever seen you in that apartment in Virgina Beach." I pointed out softly. It was like nothing from back home could touch us there. None of it mattered. I wouldn't blame him at all for worrying about what was waiting for us back in Neptune.

[logan_echolls]

I give a quiet snort at her mentioning of holes. I'm pretty sure what that discussion might lead to had we not been in a hotel room with her father and my sister along with the aforementioned bullet hole in my gut.

"Okay, I know I'm on pain management medication, but I'm not quite medicated enough for you to mention your dad hooking up with Betina Casablancas," I replied wryly to her. Unless she was actually referring to Kendall, in which that could become a really awkward family conversation. "But, yeah, it's a good thing," I nodded to her, running my fingers lightly through her hair.

I'm fucking exhausted, but I don't want to tell her that since we're actually talking and we don't talk like this too often. Of course, a step up - us actually talking about us - would be a miracle and I doubt that either of us really have wanted to do that since she broke up with me last summer.

And then she asks how I am. I sigh, let go and lean back against the pillows. I hate the shift my body takes to move because everything has this dull ache that's hard to ignore. Correction: It's Veronica; she doesn't ask me how I feel, she tells me. It worse that she's right. That I was so entirely happy to be away from home - from Neptune - and now that I'm back, now that I'm myself again, it bites.

I look over to her. "I'm going to be fine," I told her. And eventually, I would be.

[renewedsoul_v]

"Perv." I rolled my eyes at his snort. "Your mind clearly went somewhere mine hadn't with that statement." Yeah, I had been thinking ears, nose, mouth... orifices through which the of most of our body heat escapes.

"And here I was more bothered by the idea of being related in any way to Dick than anything else." I state at his reply. "We couldn't have gone more different ways on that if we'd tried." I add softly, enjoying the feel of his fingers running through my hair.

I was starting to weigh the idea of staying right where I was and dealing with the disapproving lectures in the morning or go back to bed with Trina. Really there was no part of me that wanted to move, but I was a little worried about making Logan more uncomfortable.

"Thanks to whatever magic my dad worked to make us not instantly land in jail the second we set foot in Balboa County..." I added to his saying everything would be fine. Though I wasn't sure even I believed that right now. Things were just weird, and upside down. As happy as I was to have my dad back, and as much as I missed him, there was this part of me that wasn't really willing to let go of that other life.

[logan_echolls]

"Clearly," I said to her with a small grin as she rolled her eyes.

I paused on her next words and gave a sort of nod. "See, I'd rather be related to Dick than my own relatives, but honestly it's a step up," I told her. Dick would be like a step down for her which honestly meant that being related to my family was like a leap.

She looked thoughtful and I was right there with her. I was like watching myself from afar leaving this life I had in Virginia Beach with Veronica to whatever was waiting for us back in Neptune. I didn't want that. I didn't want to return. I didn't want whatever my sister wanted out of a family suddenly and I didn't see the potential in returning to that god awful town.

Thanks to whatever magic her dad worked out to make us not instantly land in jail, thanks to not dying from a gunshot wound. Thanks to a lot of shit, but I wasn't thinking about that for being fine. "Yeah," I agreed despite myself.

[renewedsoul_v]

"Seriously... under the best circumstances there are still other people in the room." I pointed out, smiling at his grin before placing a soft kiss on his cheek.

"Yeah, I can get that." I agreed softly, "And I know he's your friend and all, so for you that might be good, like Wallace being my step brother will be for me... but Dick and I? I don't think we're ever going to be pals."

"I'm feeling weird about going back, too, Logan." I told him quietly. I knew it wasn't the same because he didn't have anything to come back to the way I did. Except for me... but he had me in Virgina Beach. "But at least were in this together, right?"

[logan_echolls]

"I honestly already went through those thoughts," I told her teasingly, but seriously. I shut my eyes at her soft kiss against my cheek, thankful for at least this moment.

"Considering how my sum of friends have gone down with that whole my father is a murderer thing and even more with dating my best friend's ex thing, Dick is ranking kinda high there with all the competition," I replied wryly. "But, yeah, I don't expect you two to be exchanging friendship bracelets and having fun all you can eat ice cream nights while he braids your hair."

I glanced over to her as she commented about feeling weird going back and I saw in that same instance the look in her eyes that knew that it wasn't the same for her as it was for me. I forced a small smile onto my face and nodded to her, tugging her close to kiss her forehead.

"I think I should stay with you and your dad," I told her softly. What could it hurt?