How is it you can look forward to and dread something so much all at once?

[renewedsoul_v]

After running around and getting everything we needed for tonight and putting it all away in the appropriate spots, short of the DVDs, which I left on the counter, I told Logan I was going to call my dad and disappeared into the bedroom. It wasn't like I was hiding what we were going to talk about from Logan. He pretty much knew anyway. How things

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[renewedsoul_v]

I could see the frustration mounting in him with every word that came spilling out of my mouth. It was like a kettle getting ready to whistle signaling it was boiling, and yet somehow the words dripping with a touch of sarcasm and hostility just kept coming...

I really shouldn't be allowed to talk at moments like this. When I feel like this. The filter between good idea and bad idea in my brain doesn't work when I'm this tired and stressed out and everything else I was today.

"Logan..." I sighed slightly, "I'm sorry, okay? It's done. I can't take it back. He's not going to tell anybody else. I just thought maybe if he knew to be looking into what really happened that night you might actually be able to sleep through the night sometime in the foreseeable future." Which was exactly why it had slipped out in the first place, wasn't it? "Pardon me for trying to help by letting the one person actually in a position to do that for you in on what was going on." I added quietly as I got up.

"You know what? Just keep playing your video game, eat, put on whatever movie you want... I'm going to go in the other room until I stop staying things that can only be politely described as completely moronic." I told him, before heading towards the bedroom.

I didn't want to get into some huge argument with him over all of this. Removing myself from the equation right now just seemed like the better plan all the way around. He was trying so hard to keep his temper in check and I really wasn't helping that.

[logan_echolls]

I let out a sigh of my own as she explained what was going on. The anger almost completely dissipates in an instant. It wasn't as if I couldn't already see that she was beyond stressed and tired. It wasn't as if I hadn't known that was why she was on edge and saying things she didn't want to, but couldn't help.

She missed her father more than anything. Life in Neptune was going on even though we were gone and just because it felt like the world stopped for us it hadn't meant that the world had stopped for anyone else. I wasn't expecting her to take it back and make it not true. It wasn't even as if I thought her father would spill the information to anyone else. It was just too personal and too private for anyone but us.

I caught her by the arm lightly before she'd gotten much further towards the bedroom. At the same time of just wanting space from Veronica, whenever she had ever been like this to me, all we had was each other. I didn't want the space. I just wanted the buttons to stop being pressed - or, at the very least, those buttons.

"Don't go, okay?" I asked her, meeting her eyes. "I don't want you gone. I get why you said it. I don't like it, but I get it. And I don't want to be alone and neither do you. So, can we just, I don't know, start over? I won't make you watch Easy Rider if that helps," I commented, waiting for the smile to appear on her face - the one she just couldn't help. "We'll just... indulge in ice cream and dumb movies."

[renewedsoul_v]

He catches my arm lightly, more of an attempt to make me hear him than it is to stop me. It's not even close to being hard enough to actually force me to stop... he just wants me to hear what he's saying. Not to leave.

"Chalk it up to another thing to add to the list of dumb things I do when I'm scared for you?" I offered when he said he got why I told my dad, "It's like the more I try not to worry about you the more freaked out I get and the more I have no idea how to actually help you... add to that the current state of being completely powerless to do anything about it myself and we've got a stressed out, spazzy, very sorry Veronica on our hands." I told him softly, my eyes still locked with his.

He was right when he said neither of us wanted to be alone. That was actually the last thing I wanted right now. Time alone meant time to be homesick. It was actually kind of a wonder we weren't having more serious arguments than we were, considering how much time we were spending together since we left Neptune. It was pretty close to constant.

I think we've proven we can move up to Berkeley, share an apartment and not end up hating each other. Which is definitely good info to have in advance. Reassuring, actually.

"I appreciate that. Really." I told him, a tinge of amusement creeping into my voice as he says he won't make me watch Easy Rider tonight. He's trying to get me to smile and I know that, so I give in and smile just slightly. "Indulging in ice cream and dumb movies sounds like a good plan."

[logan_echolls]

I'm not sure whether to be glad or not that she humors me with a smile, so I might as well be glad that she at least didn't continue on her way to the bedroom. She'd have left the two of us to mope in our own ways; me probably losing myself within PS2, getting bored or pissed and going out and her probably either actually indulging in what she's feeling or possibly doing something manic like cleaning.

She starts in on how she worries, tries not to worry, but ends up feeling helpless when it comes to me anyway. It's one of those moments that I want desperately to shove off her words and pretend like everything is fine. But the thing about pretending everything is fine when you're on the run across the country with your girlfriend under new aliases? It just makes it seem so obscenely wrong to even bother pretending. I just can't tear myself away from her eyes right away. I move in to kiss her mouth softly, my fingers threading in her hair briefly before slipping down to thread with her fingers.

There's just no other way to tell her not to worry or that she does help me more than she even knows.

"So, do you have a general dumb movie preference? Unless you suddenly change your mind and want to go for the movies that make you think too much. You know what happened last time we watched Garden State or whatever that movie was..." I said. Personally, it wasn't my choice of deeper movies.

I tugged her over towards the kitchen and started to gather both the ice cream and ingredients for the sundae specials. Reaching in the cupboard, I pulled out two bowls and spoons to start scooping the ice cream.

[renewedsoul_v]

I returned the kiss softly, relaxing into his touch, feeling all the tension drain away as his fingers threaded gently into my hair for a moment. He might not like that I told my dad, but at least he wasn't going to hold it against me. He doesn't want me to worry about him. I knew that. I just couldn't seem to help myself at times. At least this time I didn't go into some total panic mode and do something I'd spend months regretting. Small favours, right? I'm learning.

"I think I'll skip Garden State today..." I told him. Thinking almost seemed like a bad plan right now. I just wanted to eat ice cream, laugh a little. "South Park?" I offered. I wasn't sure if that was something he'd really want to watch, given how badly the New Years' plans involving South Park had turned. True that was almost a month and half ago now, but I didn't want him to spend more time thinking about Duncan than he had to right now. In spite of everything, I know he misses him. "Or we can come up with something else..." I shrugged.

I couldn't help but think for a moment he'd been spending too much time around me as he tugged me to the kitchen... the keep moving so you don't have to dwell on any one thing too long was a strategy I'd all but perfected. Looking for Lilly's killer had given me something to focus on other than how much my life sucked, and it coupled with all the other cases didn't leave me with any time to worry about how bad things actually were.

"I take it you've decided it's dinnertime?" I smirked slightly as he set about getting the ice cream out. "Gonna let me help or should I just lean on the counter and watch you work?"