How is it you can look forward to and dread something so much all at once?

[renewedsoul_v]

After running around and getting everything we needed for tonight and putting it all away in the appropriate spots, short of the DVDs, which I left on the counter, I told Logan I was going to call my dad and disappeared into the bedroom. It wasn't like I was hiding what we were going to talk about from Logan. He pretty much knew anyway. How things

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[logan_echolls]

I let out a breath and brushed a few strands of her hair out of her face, away from her eyes and cheeks. "Well, you really don't have to worry about that," I told her firmly. Yeah, I got the fact that neither of us could do this without the other and that this was strictly something we had to do together, but I didn't leave things behind that I didn't not want to leave behind. I didn't have the father I cared enough to associate with or the people who really cared enough about my absence despite what Veronica said about her father saying Trina's been asking about me. Big fucking deal. She finally noticed her little brother? Whatever.

All of what she's saying all seems like one thing after another, more overwhelming than the last. I didn't have enough time to adjust that my ex-best friend, her ex-boyfriend, was now a father before she started in about Trina and then finally Felix's murder and the bus crash. One thing after another thing after another thing, right?

There's Duncan and freaking Meg and their little girl. He's had a freaking daughter and I'm not there. I just keep thinking about the fact that the only time I ever saw Duncan having kids was with Veronica and their happily ever after romance. Maybe at one point in time they would have had that sort of thing but hell if things aren't a lot more twisted now.

All I do is scoff and give some simple, cynical: "What did Trina need this time?" Of course, Lamb was being useless to her and of course the yacht had to be blocked off by police tape. I almost worry what they've done to my SUV, but I don't put much past our local sheriff.

"I thought your dad believed I was innocent anyway," I can't help but comment to her when she adds that to the fact that her dad thinks the murder and the bus crash are connected - which is just some sickening thought that sinks deeply into my gut. It's doubtful that Keith Mars would have let me dated his daughter around the time that I was found on that bridge or even recently if he thought I have ever committed that murder. So, why did her dad feel the need to rehash the whole thing about him believing I was innocent anyway? - You know, unless Veronica volunteered the information that I thought I wasn't. Which was between us and us alone, I had thought. I really could get pissed off at her for volunteering all that stuff - I hadn't wanted to tell her in the first place. "Next time, do you think you can not tell pops about my bad dreams, you think?" I said simply, not hard nor soft toned.

I let a breath and get up to go find a movie for us to start in watching for distraction. "So, what are we up to watching tonight? Mindless comedy? Drama? The crap we rented? I give up my pity rights for you to watch a film of your choice." Somewhere along the way between sorting out through our DVDs and holding up a few key choices, I realize that I know exactly what Duncan's named his daughter.

[renewedsoul_v]

"I know. And I'm incredibly thankful for that." I promise him softly at his statement, reassurance, whatever it was, that I didn't have to worry about doing this alone. I knew that. Having him here made all of this bearable. He was the reason for all of it anyway... without him, what's the point?

"That was pretty much my reaction when my dad told me, too. Disbelief that she actually thought to ask him without needing something and known you wouldn't actually believe it when I told you. He was less than thrilled with that response, believe me." I told him, "But yeah, I don't know... he just told me to tell you she'd been in asking if he knew where you were. I know, it's weird."

"He also said the same thing I did - that if you did it, there wouldn't be so many people trying to make you look guilty." I pointed out when he said he thought my dad already thought he was innocent. It's true. He would have been trying even harder to keep me away from Logan otherwise, but it's not entirely the point. "And I'm sorry, I just thought he should know. It's kind of hard for him to help unless he has the whole story." I reminded him. "I just thought maybe if he tried to look into what happened that night a little more he might be able to find something that would help you... that's all."

"I'm fine, Logan. You don't have to do that." I insist as he says he's giving up his pity rights in favour of letting me pick the movie. Then this look flickers on his face for a second and I just know he's figured out the baby's name. "Yeah..." I let out a breath. "What else, right?" It was Duncan. Anything else was completely illogical. And it's not like Meg was going to argue him on that. She'd know how important it was and just agree.

[logan_echolls]

"Well, your dad is an optimist," I replied. "Life sunny side up, glass half full. We're realists. She probably did need something, because I can't think of a time that Trina has ever decided to come visiting just because she was thinking of me." The whole court ordering her as a guardian until I was emancipated this Spring/Summer barely counted. Even as it was, I was emancipated a few weeks before turning 18.

I could care less that Trina was asking over me for whatever reason she had given in her little head. Maybe she worried about more bad publicity, something. Well, little brother is an accused murderer. Probably, as far as Lamb is concerned, I did murder Felix and it was pasted everywhere - the name tarnishing everything.

I didn't really want to think about what Keith Mars would have done if he didn't believe his daughter. "The whole story as in my dreams too? It's not like some clue, Veronica. You were the one who was pointing that out to me this morning. You know, unless I really did do it." It was a subject I wanted to move past promptly so I start in with Duncan and his newborn baby girl.

"Jesus, if I was there I would have talked him out of it, you know." If only for the simple reason that the world didn't need another Lilly Kane and there was nothing in our power that we could do to replace her. So, you're supposed to name kids after people for memories - a time honored tradition - don't you think that Duncan could have skipped this one, no matter how touching or heart wrenching it might be. That kid didn't deserve to carry around a heavy name like that. Duncan and Lilly couldn't have loved each other any less though.

[renewedsoul_v]

The tiniest of sighs escaped when Logan pointed out the difference between us and my dad. If my dad was anything but optimistic he would have given up a long time ago. He wouldn't have fought mom so hard about leaving Neptune. One thing I know for sure is that life would be very different than it is now for more reasons than I even care to count.

And in the end, as messed up as things got, and still in a lot of ways are? I wouldn't want that life. That life would have me relying on and trusting a woman who clearly doesn't want me. There'd be no Wallace. I wouldn't have gotten the chance to fall in love with Logan... This way I know who I can actually count on and who genuinely cares about me. I'll take Optimist Dad over Realist Dad. At least this way we balance each other out.

"I know. You're right. Believe me, I've seen enough of Trina's behaviour in general to know you are." I told him, "I just promised my dad I'd tell you, and I did, so promise fulfilled." I shrugged slightly.

"It's not? You're the one who was all but completely insisting they were true this morning. That you were remembering what really happened that night. I was the one saying they weren't and you aren't. You remember that, right? And if you even think for a second that it's true, don't you think the guy working to save your ass has a right to know?" I questioned, trying to keep my tone even. I knew I shouldn't push this, but the words were tumbling out of my mouth before I could stop them. I didn't think for a second that my dad was going to turn around and tell Lamb. Not after what happened the last time. Not when he thinks this case might tie to the bus crash. That'd be putting both cases in jeopardy thanks to Lamb's total inability to actually do his job.

"You think somehow Duncan's going to listen to either of us on that front right now?" I asked softly when he said he'd have talked Duncan out of it had he been there. "I get it, okay? That little girl doesn't need Lilly's name and all that means - good and bad - hanging over her head her entire life. It's almost bad enough she's going to be walking around with the name Kane attached to her in Neptune." I loved Lilly, too, but everything that her name had come to mean to everyone who didn't actually know her? I was trying to think of something worse than being saddled with that name and failing miserably.

[logan_echolls]

I would have been perfectly fine with Veronica stopping at the fact that she just fulfilled a promise to her dad that Trina was thinking of me. You know, that was enough. I knew when she said that we were missed that it had meant she was missed, that Neptune wanted her home while only wanting to lock me up for a crime I may or may not have committed.

But Veronica didn't stop there. Even expecting her to stop there was probably too much. I was actually doing what I could not to engage in a fight - because we always did seem to bait each other into one easily. She knew I didn't want to talk about this: that night on the bridge, Felix's murder, why we were here. She knew that, but she kept pressing the buttons anyway. She even openly questions her dad's right to know about those dreams along with questioning me if the dreams were true or not.

I refrain from gritting teeth or something equally expressive of my frustration with her questions. I look up towards her as if I can say it all with my eyes. What for? is the question I'm asking her without even opening my mouth. It hurts. I drop the DVD cases back down and rub my forehead like I'm getting some sort of headache and I'd name it after Veronica. Really, who cared about some dumb old movie now.

"I didn't want you knowing and I really don't want or think your dad needs to know, my ass being saved aside or not," I replied clearly, flippantly. I should be thankful for having the Mars family behind me always trying to save my ass for all this shit that I just happen to go through, but truthfully - at this moment - I'm not even close. "They were dreams. They were a bunch of horrible dreams of mine and, if I wanted them to be shared, I would have given that information up myself - of my own free will. ... and you knew I didn't want them shared." I state the facts simply.

Who cared if Duncan would have listened to either of us. He would have done exactly what he wanted to anyway, but I'm so beyond thinking of that right now. Talking about Duncan right now is like having a chemical burn without the vinegar to neutralize and sooth - to make it stop burning.

Sometimes there are so many things that Veronica doesn't get. She actively crosses over these lines like it's nothing and from the fact that we've known each other practically forever we should be able to find ways around pressing each others' goddamn buttons. Yeah, we both loved Lilly, but there are sometimes that I only think the things that were worth about the past were the fact that at the very least we were ignorant.

I don't even want to be around Veronica at this moment. Not because I didn't love her or anything like that, but maybe because the past was so close that it all just turned into this thing where I felt so openly hostile just because I couldn't change a thing.

[renewedsoul_v]

I could see the frustration mounting in him with every word that came spilling out of my mouth. It was like a kettle getting ready to whistle signaling it was boiling, and yet somehow the words dripping with a touch of sarcasm and hostility just kept coming...

I really shouldn't be allowed to talk at moments like this. When I feel like this. The filter between good idea and bad idea in my brain doesn't work when I'm this tired and stressed out and everything else I was today.

"Logan..." I sighed slightly, "I'm sorry, okay? It's done. I can't take it back. He's not going to tell anybody else. I just thought maybe if he knew to be looking into what really happened that night you might actually be able to sleep through the night sometime in the foreseeable future." Which was exactly why it had slipped out in the first place, wasn't it? "Pardon me for trying to help by letting the one person actually in a position to do that for you in on what was going on." I added quietly as I got up.

"You know what? Just keep playing your video game, eat, put on whatever movie you want... I'm going to go in the other room until I stop staying things that can only be politely described as completely moronic." I told him, before heading towards the bedroom.

I didn't want to get into some huge argument with him over all of this. Removing myself from the equation right now just seemed like the better plan all the way around. He was trying so hard to keep his temper in check and I really wasn't helping that.

[logan_echolls]

I let out a sigh of my own as she explained what was going on. The anger almost completely dissipates in an instant. It wasn't as if I couldn't already see that she was beyond stressed and tired. It wasn't as if I hadn't known that was why she was on edge and saying things she didn't want to, but couldn't help.

She missed her father more than anything. Life in Neptune was going on even though we were gone and just because it felt like the world stopped for us it hadn't meant that the world had stopped for anyone else. I wasn't expecting her to take it back and make it not true. It wasn't even as if I thought her father would spill the information to anyone else. It was just too personal and too private for anyone but us.

I caught her by the arm lightly before she'd gotten much further towards the bedroom. At the same time of just wanting space from Veronica, whenever she had ever been like this to me, all we had was each other. I didn't want the space. I just wanted the buttons to stop being pressed - or, at the very least, those buttons.

"Don't go, okay?" I asked her, meeting her eyes. "I don't want you gone. I get why you said it. I don't like it, but I get it. And I don't want to be alone and neither do you. So, can we just, I don't know, start over? I won't make you watch Easy Rider if that helps," I commented, waiting for the smile to appear on her face - the one she just couldn't help. "We'll just... indulge in ice cream and dumb movies."

[renewedsoul_v]

He catches my arm lightly, more of an attempt to make me hear him than it is to stop me. It's not even close to being hard enough to actually force me to stop... he just wants me to hear what he's saying. Not to leave.

"Chalk it up to another thing to add to the list of dumb things I do when I'm scared for you?" I offered when he said he got why I told my dad, "It's like the more I try not to worry about you the more freaked out I get and the more I have no idea how to actually help you... add to that the current state of being completely powerless to do anything about it myself and we've got a stressed out, spazzy, very sorry Veronica on our hands." I told him softly, my eyes still locked with his.

He was right when he said neither of us wanted to be alone. That was actually the last thing I wanted right now. Time alone meant time to be homesick. It was actually kind of a wonder we weren't having more serious arguments than we were, considering how much time we were spending together since we left Neptune. It was pretty close to constant.

I think we've proven we can move up to Berkeley, share an apartment and not end up hating each other. Which is definitely good info to have in advance. Reassuring, actually.

"I appreciate that. Really." I told him, a tinge of amusement creeping into my voice as he says he won't make me watch Easy Rider tonight. He's trying to get me to smile and I know that, so I give in and smile just slightly. "Indulging in ice cream and dumb movies sounds like a good plan."

[logan_echolls]

I'm not sure whether to be glad or not that she humors me with a smile, so I might as well be glad that she at least didn't continue on her way to the bedroom. She'd have left the two of us to mope in our own ways; me probably losing myself within PS2, getting bored or pissed and going out and her probably either actually indulging in what she's feeling or possibly doing something manic like cleaning.

She starts in on how she worries, tries not to worry, but ends up feeling helpless when it comes to me anyway. It's one of those moments that I want desperately to shove off her words and pretend like everything is fine. But the thing about pretending everything is fine when you're on the run across the country with your girlfriend under new aliases? It just makes it seem so obscenely wrong to even bother pretending. I just can't tear myself away from her eyes right away. I move in to kiss her mouth softly, my fingers threading in her hair briefly before slipping down to thread with her fingers.

There's just no other way to tell her not to worry or that she does help me more than she even knows.

"So, do you have a general dumb movie preference? Unless you suddenly change your mind and want to go for the movies that make you think too much. You know what happened last time we watched Garden State or whatever that movie was..." I said. Personally, it wasn't my choice of deeper movies.

I tugged her over towards the kitchen and started to gather both the ice cream and ingredients for the sundae specials. Reaching in the cupboard, I pulled out two bowls and spoons to start scooping the ice cream.

[renewedsoul_v]

I returned the kiss softly, relaxing into his touch, feeling all the tension drain away as his fingers threaded gently into my hair for a moment. He might not like that I told my dad, but at least he wasn't going to hold it against me. He doesn't want me to worry about him. I knew that. I just couldn't seem to help myself at times. At least this time I didn't go into some total panic mode and do something I'd spend months regretting. Small favours, right? I'm learning.

"I think I'll skip Garden State today..." I told him. Thinking almost seemed like a bad plan right now. I just wanted to eat ice cream, laugh a little. "South Park?" I offered. I wasn't sure if that was something he'd really want to watch, given how badly the New Years' plans involving South Park had turned. True that was almost a month and half ago now, but I didn't want him to spend more time thinking about Duncan than he had to right now. In spite of everything, I know he misses him. "Or we can come up with something else..." I shrugged.

I couldn't help but think for a moment he'd been spending too much time around me as he tugged me to the kitchen... the keep moving so you don't have to dwell on any one thing too long was a strategy I'd all but perfected. Looking for Lilly's killer had given me something to focus on other than how much my life sucked, and it coupled with all the other cases didn't leave me with any time to worry about how bad things actually were.

"I take it you've decided it's dinnertime?" I smirked slightly as he set about getting the ice cream out. "Gonna let me help or should I just lean on the counter and watch you work?"