What the hell just happened? How did we get to this?
"Right, I don't have to prove anything to you? This is why we went from being almost happy all things considered to barreling full speed into an argument? I'm so sure." I rolled my eyes, getting up as he pulled his arm from around me. Getting dressed seemed like a plan. Not being in the same bed with him seemed like the better one right now. I was not having a fight with him while we were both naked on what was for all intents and purposes 'our' bed.
"It wasn't like that." I insisted, quickly getting my underwear and bra. "Things with Duncan and I? Hadn't exactly been right since the bus crash. I kept hoping maybe if we kept trying, things would get better, but they kinda just went the other way increasingly. We stayed together a lot longer than we should have. But we've been over that. How things weren't working and how we were basically going through the motions because we just couldn't seem to let go of the past? It wasn't convenient. We love each other. We kept ignoring all the signs that we shouldn't be together because we wanted it to work. But at least one of us was still in love with someone else." I said pointedly, pulling on my jeans and doing them up. Part of me couldn't help but wonder if Duncan blamed me for Meg being on that bus. It was pretty obvious that whatever the two of us shared, there was a strong bond there, too, for them to even get in a situation where Meg is pregnant...
"I know all of this is my fault, okay? I get that. I messed up, and I'm sorry." I said, my voice wavering slightly, tears trying to pool in my eyes. I know I'm the one that left him. But we've been over that more times than I care to count right now. "I know 'sorry' doesn't fix it or erase it, but I don't know what the hell you want me to say here, Logan. It's been pointed out that I'm more than a little self-centred." Okay, not in so many words, but that's exactly what Wallace meant when he went off on me for insisting Jackie set me up on that stupid cable-access psychic's show. That's exactly what he meant by saying it was my world and everybody else just lived in it. That I was self-centred and basically a craptastic friend for not even noticing everything that was going on with him. "I can't take back anything that's been said or done, so what the hell do you want from me?" I asked, desperately trying to make my voice stay close to normal levels before untangling my shirt and pulling it on.
I ran my fingers through my hair roughly, thinking about how he said he didn't think Lilly deserved what had happened. Maybe not, but she did nothing but invite that possibility, didn't she? She was almost always inviting trouble, upping the ante just enough for her to get a rush out of whatever she was doing. Pushing things just that much further every time. It was bordering on inevitable in a way. And I hated thinking like that. I didn't want to think that about my best friend.
"Yeah, they do. Sometimes they just get caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. That applies to pretty much any death by any external influence. Like all those kids on the bus that day. Other times, people go out of their way to invite the drama and the trouble and up the chances that something could happen." Like he and Lilly both did. Like Weevil, Felix and the rest of the PCHers did. Hell, even I did it on occasion while working on a case... but it wasn't as if I enjoyed that. That's the whole reason my dad would rather me wait tables. Safer. Less likely I'm going to get hurt. "Trouble finds us easily enough without us actively looking for it, that's all I'm saying."
Why was he acting like my being afraid to lose him was some sort of insult? Some sort of personal affront. It wasn't like I was complaining about his surfing. That was plenty dangerous in its own way, but I didn't say anything until his risk taking started involving things getting burnt down and vehicles being shot out did I start having issues.
"It wasn't like that." I insisted, quickly getting my underwear and bra. "Things with Duncan and I? Hadn't exactly been right since the bus crash. I kept hoping maybe if we kept trying, things would get better, but they kinda just went the other way increasingly. We stayed together a lot longer than we should have. But we've been over that. How things weren't working and how we were basically going through the motions because we just couldn't seem to let go of the past? It wasn't convenient. We love each other. We kept ignoring all the signs that we shouldn't be together because we wanted it to work. But at least one of us was still in love with someone else." I said pointedly, pulling on my jeans and doing them up. Part of me couldn't help but wonder if Duncan blamed me for Meg being on that bus. It was pretty obvious that whatever the two of us shared, there was a strong bond there, too, for them to even get in a situation where Meg is pregnant...
"I know all of this is my fault, okay? I get that. I messed up, and I'm sorry." I said, my voice wavering slightly, tears trying to pool in my eyes. I know I'm the one that left him. But we've been over that more times than I care to count right now. "I know 'sorry' doesn't fix it or erase it, but I don't know what the hell you want me to say here, Logan. It's been pointed out that I'm more than a little self-centred." Okay, not in so many words, but that's exactly what Wallace meant when he went off on me for insisting Jackie set me up on that stupid cable-access psychic's show. That's exactly what he meant by saying it was my world and everybody else just lived in it. That I was self-centred and basically a craptastic friend for not even noticing everything that was going on with him. "I can't take back anything that's been said or done, so what the hell do you want from me?" I asked, desperately trying to make my voice stay close to normal levels before untangling my shirt and pulling it on.
I ran my fingers through my hair roughly, thinking about how he said he didn't think Lilly deserved what had happened. Maybe not, but she did nothing but invite that possibility, didn't she? She was almost always inviting trouble, upping the ante just enough for her to get a rush out of whatever she was doing. Pushing things just that much further every time. It was bordering on inevitable in a way. And I hated thinking like that. I didn't want to think that about my best friend.
"Yeah, they do. Sometimes they just get caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. That applies to pretty much any death by any external influence. Like all those kids on the bus that day. Other times, people go out of their way to invite the drama and the trouble and up the chances that something could happen." Like he and Lilly both did. Like Weevil, Felix and the rest of the PCHers did. Hell, even I did it on occasion while working on a case... but it wasn't as if I enjoyed that. That's the whole reason my dad would rather me wait tables. Safer. Less likely I'm going to get hurt. "Trouble finds us easily enough without us actively looking for it, that's all I'm saying."
Why was he acting like my being afraid to lose him was some sort of insult? Some sort of personal affront. It wasn't like I was complaining about his surfing. That was plenty dangerous in its own way, but I didn't say anything until his risk taking started involving things getting burnt down and vehicles being shot out did I start having issues.