Right back to square one.

[logan_echolls]

If I had known that Veronica's reaction to me kissing her would be ravishing me right back, despite the fact that she had just broken up with Duncan, I quite possibly would have kissed her a lot sooner

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[logan_echolls]

"Okay, so should I be feeling better about the possibility that my mom wanted to leave my dad or feel worse when she didn't do it?" I asked, slipping my hand out from under Veronica's. Sure, she made a point about how that tape didn't tell us anything new about our parents other than the fact that they were together (And from looking at how they acted? More than once). It was a point. They were always unfaithful. They were always the crappy parents we thought they were.

The one thing that Veronica wasn't quite getting was the fact that it told me more about my mom. It just confirmed all the weakness in her that I hated. The parts of her that couldn't tear herself away from him no matter how much he hurt her.

"She had the fucking leverage and she could have used it and she would have been alive today if she did. She would have had the money and dad would have looked like a fool." She kept the fucking tape in her underwear drawer. For what? Safe keeping until she got the nerve to do what she wanted to do? "She hated him, Veronica. She hated him and she didn't even leave him when she knew about this."

I didn't believe for a moment that this was in any way okay. She was questioning her mother's actions just like I was questioning mine. Oh yeah, and the sick irony that perhaps love triangles are passed through generations. Jake Kane and Lianne Mars was something at least known about. They were the Duncan/Veronica of back then, just irony that it happened to be their kids. But what was with the secrets of Lianne Mars and my dad. Thinking about that only made my head spin more.

[renewedsoul_v]

"I didn't mean it like that and you know it." I stated when he asked if he should be feeling better about his mom wanting to leave his dad. I let out a breath. He wasn't going to help anything by trying to dissect why his mom didn't use the tape. He was just going to make himself feel worse.

"Logan, listen to me, please." I said softly, "I get that this sucks beyond any possible description. I do. But the fact that she didn't use this tape? I don't think it's just being too scared to take a chance. Part of it was that she genuinely loved your dad. Why else would she have hired mine to investigate that stalker last Christmas?" I asked. Logically letting that whole mess go completely un-dealt with could have resulted in it ending in more than just a simple stabbing. But that's not what Lynn wanted, "Maybe despite everything he did to her, she still believed being with him was better than having him not be in her life."

And maybe after the party she was just too broken to care either way, anymore. She just gave up.

"None of this is okay, but it's not a reflection on us, either." I said softly, "We're not our parents." I had to believe that was true. I all but completely hated the person my mother had become, and the thought of becoming just like her made me absolutely sick to my stomach. I was sure I was paling just from the thoughts that were swirling inside me.

If I believed for a second that my mom's past with Jake didn't influence Celeste's treatment of me, I'd be the first to call myself insane, but the fact that I fell for Duncan was separate from that. Just like Logan and I were separate from our parents.

[logan_echolls]

She had hated him. Hate was easier to accept than the alternative of her actually being in love with him - with everything that he had done to her, still in love with him. I think I'm the only kid in the world that possibly didn't want his parents to be in love, just because they kept hurting each other.

"She wanted to keep up the image, Veronica." I told her seriously. "Beautiful, bigger than life?" i echoed her words from earlier. "It's just this stupid facade that everyone played along with until it became so twisted that we couldn't pretend anymore. But they kept it up. ... My mother's best acting job was the role she played as mother and wife. She was even better than he was." Because she made me believe.

There's a very fine line between murder and suicide when it came to my mother. She jumped off the bridge, but only when he pushed her. The only difference is that the ashtray that hit Lynn Echolls in the head was a metaphoric one. It was the one murder he got away with.

"I'm sorry. I'm not missing the big flashing lights that are drawing parallels either. What we just saw... that couldn't have been the first time that they... - It wasn't emotionless." I staggered when I tried to speak. What do you think? My dad may cheat without love, but your mom? She loved Jake Kane? What were her reasons for Aaron Echolls?

Why would they watch their kids get into the same twisted mess?

"Do you think she loved him too?" I asked even though I regretted it. I don't know. What would be worse? If our parents were in love too or if they weren't?

[renewedsoul_v]

"I know." I said quietly, closing my eyes for a moment as he talked about his parents. Sad part is that I really wasn't much better in the keeping things going because it was easier than not department. How long did I stay with Duncan when things felt off? How far did I have to be pushed before I walked?

I was so completely sick of how fake everything in this town was. I could probably count on my fingers without any trouble at all the amount of people at school that aren't completely phony about everything. Keeping everybody at arms length, making like everything's perfect. If it was an olympic sport there were some serious contenders for the gold medal in this place.

"I know." I repeated when he mentioned the tape. I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to keep breathing evenly, not let recorded images of a woman I wasn't completely sure actually loved me being so completely in love with a man that wasn't my father completely crush me.

How could she do that to us? How could she do that to Dad? I mean, that tape didn't exactly look super recent, not old exactly, but still - it had to have been before Dad lost his job...

God, I hated her. I did. After everything we'd done for her, I just keep finding out these things that make me think not only that we shouldn't have bothered, but that she really didn't want us to.

Sure, there's the surveillance photos, but aside from that, what has my mom done since Lilly's death that could be considered something caring about me since she tried to get me to leave town with her? Yeah, I was having trouble coming up with a solid example.

"You sure you should be asking the daughter who questions if her mother actually wanted her that particular question?" I breathed. "I mean, it's becoming increasingly obvious her family loved her so much more than she ever did us..." I added, a few tears slowly rolling down my cheeks just to spite me. I didn't want to be crying over her. Not again. Not now.

[logan_echolls]

Lianne Mars: Another Neptune wife, another Neptune mother. She fit the minimum requirement of having a dirty past that people knew, but never talked about. She had enough secrets and she definitely did things that screwed over Veronica for life. I grimaced at the sight of Veronica's tears.

"Hey," I said quietly, exhaling softly as I reached over to brush her tears away with the pad of my thumb. "I didn't...- I know that this brings up as many questions for you as it does for me. I just-"

I wonder if I could have dealt better with this if I had seen Lilly on the tape. I think I would have understood why my mom didn't turn in the tape. I think I would have gotten it over with and just hated him and continued to reassure that hatred. Even if it was a stranger, I would have tossed it away; but, no, it was Veronica's mother. I mean how screwed up could things really get.

I shouldn't have pushed because now Veronica was crying with the full belief that her mother never loved her. Ironically, it was something that I could almost find funny. The two people in the video were the two people who should have loved us but never could. Hell, my dad would love Trina, his adopted daughter, before me: his biological screw up of flesh and blood.

And we hated them too. Just for the stuff like this.

I shut my eyes and pressed my lips lightly against her forehead. "Forget I asked that stupid question, okay?" I asked her. "I mean, this... what ever it was... It was a long while ago. It doesn't matter now."

It felt like lies through my teeth. Something too easy to tell and learned. Definitely, learned. No, the more I thought back on it, the more I could see how much of him was in me. I'm sure the being jailed recently hadn't actually helped in my comparison. C'mon, dad. This is where they put accused murderers.

"God..." I whispered under my breath.

[renewedsoul_v]

"It's fine, Logan." I said softly, as he wiped away my tears. I knew he hadn't meant to upset me, but it wasn't really him that had did it anyway. It was mom. "I know why you asked. It's fine. I just - my mom's practically a stranger aside from shared genetics, you know?"

Even before she left it had been like that to a point. I was always closer with my dad. I loved the idea of what she was supposed to be, what I wanted her to be, more than I did the person she really was. The one she never let me see. At least I could trust my dad to tell me the truth, be honest with me, even if I didn't always like what I was hearing. That's more than I can say for my mom. She was pretty much the exact opposite. Avoiding my questions in some ridiculous attempt to have me think well of her? Funny how that kept failing.

I just wasn't equipped to make judgments on if Lianne Mars was in love with Aaron Echolls or not. And truthfully, the little girl inside doesn't want to believe it anyway. That part of me wishes she could believe her parents loved each other more than anything, no matter what. Unfortunately, that's not real life. Or even the Neptune ideal of what real life should be.

I closed my eyes as he kissed my forehead, trying to soothe me. I relaxed just slightly. "No, it matters, it just doesn't change how we feel about each other, right? The fact that we're together has absolutely nothing to do with them." I insisted gently.

There was no point in trying to act like we didn't know. I knew that much. The thing is, though, that I knew we didn't have to let our parents screw ups completely define us. We were more than just their children. We were our own people in control of our own lives. If we weren't, well, we all might as well give up because we're beyond doomed.

This whole thing wasn't exactly helping Logan believe he wasn't. The look on his face, in his eyes, was screaming that fact. I placed a gentle kiss on his lips, caressing his cheek softly for a moment. "You are not him, Logan. You're so much better than he could ever be." I insisted, and I knew it was true. Just the way he was handling everything that had happened the last few days alone proved that. I had problems believing he'd have willingly obliterated his friendship with Duncan if he was actually that much like his father. Or that he would have just bit his tongue when my father was on his tirade. The fact that he's holding up as well as he is proves that as much as there are similarities there, reactions and learned behaviour that do come from Aaron, Logan is more than capable of rising above that.

[logan_echolls]

The fact that we're together has absolutely nothing to do with them. No, it did. It meant something ran in the family or that we were just inevitable to pick up our parents mistakes. Which was exactly what we wanted to prove wrong most of all in this moment. She kisses me, touches my cheek with affection and I can still feel him burning - like this monster inside of me that wants to rip itself out.

It doesn't mean that I'm not capable, Veronica. I guess that's really one of those thinks people are always afraid of. They live their life in fear that they're going to become the one thing that they hate. They do everything to prevent it and then one day they turn around and realize that they've been that person all along.

Veronica and I were stuck in this huge shadow the over-loomed with possibilities. Yeah, this was the best secret ever.

Somehow her words telling me that I'm not him don't register at all, because I'm already feeling like I'm him. People don't fail to remind you that you're drawn from bad blood. People don't fail to remind you especially when you're in jail ever other week it seems.

She's trying to force those words through me though. Like if I feel them I'll believe it. I don't feel it. I'm failing miserably when trying to convince myself that I'm not going to grow up and be this bastard that everyone ends up both loving and hating. There were people who'd love him no matter what he did.

I pull from Veronica's hands and lips - I can feel myself just tugging myself away like I'm trying to say Go away while you can. I just nodded slightly to her and exhaled. Breathing was key and I felt like I couldn't function. Do you really believe that Veronica? You can truthfully tell me that I'm not going to be like my father and you're not going to be like your mother? She could. We'd probably just end up making out own mistakes. Worse than the last ones.