Aug 15, 2009 19:20
Gawd, I am knee deep in the doldrums right now. I can't get my mind off how lonely I am these days. My room mate and best friend sleeps in the bed across the room, but lately its like I'm not there, so I try not to exist in whatever universe he is floating in-in that moment. I know his next great love is here, tangible and sweet, but I forgot how the beginning of a new relationship turns out everyone else that is important. No one is to be blamed its just the way it is...I'd just forgotten..
I'm only jealous that I don't have someone to kiss me "see you later" when they run home to retrieve something knowing that they'll be right back. I miss the text messages that used to make me smile out loud and the option to hold that person's hand or not....the anticipation and longing in their kiss. I miss sex. And sleeping with random so and so's has made me tired of even trying to seem appealing. Who would want that?
I thought that if I dated women, it was easy- Women are much more open when it comes to finding another woman attractive, whether its sexual or not....well so I thought. I told myself I was bi...even gay all because I didn't think that I was pretty enough for a man. So now I am just confused and I think that maybe the confusion is showing. My last relationship was and epic failure mostly because of me. I didn't wait long enough....I gave it all up for one thing. Maybe that is what is blocking me from bliss. I feel soft and delicate but I just know that I am being hard and cold on the outside....I don't want that anymore.
I don't think that I am unattractive...but maybe there is something that I am missing. I'm much more put together, I can walk around with the sense that I am carrying myself well. But I wish someone would come right out and say what my problem was so I could fix it. I mean I would be mad and embarrassed but those are the stimuli for getting someone to move their ass and fix the problems. I wanna fix whatever it is...I want someone to ask me how my day was, and actually care, and smile when I send them a text message that says: "I'm thinking about you.."
There is nothing I enjoy more than making my friends laugh.....but it would be just as good if not better to make that one special someone laugh. So I've heard before that every woman has the exact love life she wants. And I am thinking about it now....I don't want this loveless life that I have now....its too empty and cold. I want something more....now how do I get it?
I've waited...but I am here now...right here....right now...