(no subject)
I have no idea whats up with me lately.
I hate it.
I'm doing things I normally wouldnt do. I'm just trying to push my anxiety and depression aside so that I can pretend like I'm going on with life, and I'm okay with it. But I'm not.
I'm not being myself. One year ago, I was nothing like this. Nothing.
I feel like I'm not allowed to be worried. I'm not allowed to be scared. I tell them I'm scared, I'm worried. They say that I have absolutely nothing to be scared about. Nothing to be upset about. But I don't get it.
How do they do it? How do they not worry? I go through each day with more and more weight being pushed down on my shoulders, and sometimes I just think to myself: How am I going to get through this? Why am I taking this so hard and they aren't? What am I doing wrong? Am I missing the true picture? How can they watch his life be changed so dramatically? I once knew a healthy dad who didn't worry about anything. Now I have to be careful not to get sick, or to be anywhere near him when I'm sick. Now hes always sore, and tired, and cold, and it's not the same. These are the things that I see. I see him weak and defenseless. And I can't handle it.
This sounds so ridiculously selfish of me. I don't care if I'm not happy. I just want him to be healthy. I want this disease to go away.
I need help. I want a way out.
I wonder sometimes if they really are scared, and they're just not saying anything because they want to stay strong for him. That's what I do. He has no idea how I feel. Because I can't bring myself to show a tear in front of him. I have to stay strong so he can stay strong.
I need help. I want a way out.
I hate it.
I'm doing things I normally wouldnt do. I'm just trying to push my anxiety and depression aside so that I can pretend like I'm going on with life, and I'm okay with it. But I'm not.
I'm not being myself. One year ago, I was nothing like this. Nothing.
I feel like I'm not allowed to be worried. I'm not allowed to be scared. I tell them I'm scared, I'm worried. They say that I have absolutely nothing to be scared about. Nothing to be upset about. But I don't get it.
How do they do it? How do they not worry? I go through each day with more and more weight being pushed down on my shoulders, and sometimes I just think to myself: How am I going to get through this? Why am I taking this so hard and they aren't? What am I doing wrong? Am I missing the true picture? How can they watch his life be changed so dramatically? I once knew a healthy dad who didn't worry about anything. Now I have to be careful not to get sick, or to be anywhere near him when I'm sick. Now hes always sore, and tired, and cold, and it's not the same. These are the things that I see. I see him weak and defenseless. And I can't handle it.
This sounds so ridiculously selfish of me. I don't care if I'm not happy. I just want him to be healthy. I want this disease to go away.
I need help. I want a way out.
I wonder sometimes if they really are scared, and they're just not saying anything because they want to stay strong for him. That's what I do. He has no idea how I feel. Because I can't bring myself to show a tear in front of him. I have to stay strong so he can stay strong.
I need help. I want a way out.